i wrote this story-?

Question

wrote this last night. my names nicole. its really strange. i cant beleive i wrote it.

Nicole slid into the bathroom getting ready to hop into the shower. she turned on the water, as the water bounced off her cold hands onto the shower floor she glanced at the door. Noticing it was unlocked she quickly locked it so no one would walk in on her. Finnally she made it to the shower. With on push into the shower the water made a feeling as if it were burning her skin. Reaching to adjust the tempature she accidentally pushed the conditioner,Shampoo, soap and finnally the razor off the shower shelf. As the razor sliced her leg as it flew to the floor, Nicole reached for her leg trying to stop the pain. The blood made a path threw the boiling water into the drain. Not only was she inpain from the slice but the water was still sizzling across her slim body. Mixed with the water and blood was now tears. She felt weak. She couldnt even stand on her own two bleeeding feet.

Answer 1

A good start. Now you need to learn how to show the story instead of telling it. Try this:

"Nicole turned on the water for her shower. As the cold water bounced off her hands, she glanced at the door. Unlocked. Absently, she locked it.

Stepping into the shower, she gasped. Hot knives hit her skin. Too hot! Reaching for the water knob, she stumbled. Her hand swept across the shower shelf, knocking everything off. The razor fell last, slicing her leg as it fell to the floor.

Nicole forgot about the hot water. Blood spurted from her leg. She tried to stop it with her hands, but it bubbled around them. Water mixed with blood flowed down the drain.

Weakly, Nicole sat down, both hands clasped around her leg. She thought to cry for help, but who would hear? Why had she locked the door?"

This is showing the story. Rely less on telling people what Nicole is doing and more on showing them.

A really good writing exercise for you: Take a book you really like and copy the first three pages by hand. You'll see exactly how the author did it. Do the same thing with action scenes. You'll be amazed at all you can learn.

By the way, a modern razor will not cut anyone that way no matter how hard you try.

Answer 2

This needs a LOT of work. Your punctuation is poor, your spelling is not great, you are repetetive, and I have no idea where this is going. This as you have it here isnt a story. This is reportig an incident. There is no plot, no charcterization, no beginning, middle and end, no conflict, nothing. It's also pretty implausable that a safety razor falling off a shelf would do that kind of damage to someone. An editor would make a ton of changes to it. If you would like to see what an editor would do with it, e mail it to me and I will show you just how much work it needs. Keep writing, but I urge you to go through the Resolved Questions here and read some of the answers about what a story is. This is just an introduction. Pax - C.

Answer 3

I'll tell you one thing, you evoke a lot of vivid imagery and sensations, which is one of the best tricks you can accomplish as a writer.

Keep writing - practice, practice, practice. Your skills will sharpen. Always spell-check, watch your grammar and punctuation. Take some creative writing classes to learn about plotting, characterization, dialog, point of view, etc.

I can tell you've got a vivid imagination and stories to tell. Best of luck.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Answer 4

Pretty good. Be sure to do a spelling/grammar check (Best writer's aid ever, I use it all the time). "The water made a feeling" could be revised to "The water felt." Are you planning to write a novel?

Answer 5

Very good, but make sure to spell-check.

You have captured the idea that description is everything. Now, make it even more descriptive.