My boyfriend is intimidating and a bully? I don't know what to do?

Question

I left my own country to move to one where I was happy, and to be with my boyfriend. I left all my friends and family. Since we started living together he has got progressively worse in terms of his moods and temper. He came close to punching me square in the face last night and knocking me out (or worse), yet today he is denying he was going to hit me and is trivialising everything - how was I to know - all I know is his fist was bearing down on me, inches from my face - and he had me pinned to the floor with his other arm.
I don't know what to do. I have a good job, I am 29, but have very few friends or family here. I am scared to leave in case I will be lonely (i know this sounds crazy but loneliness can be worse) - and I have no property and not much in the way of possessions here - everything in our unit is his. I dont want to end up on the streets and I dont want to stay with an abusive man. Any advice would be welcomed. Real answers please..

I am from England, and am now in Australia. (I am now an Australian Resident - which I did on my own accord, before I met my boyfriend) I really don't want to go back to England - and I have an awesome job out here. I will leave him, but I just don't know how..

Answer 1

Hi,

You definitely need to leave him. But you already know this, and you've already said you will.

I don't know whether they have a similar system in Australia as they do in the UK, but they should have some sort of female protection organisation for women who live with dangerous or abusive partners. I had a look on Google for you, but couldn't find anything clear. I have included a link to AskTheSite - if you email them your problem, they will get back to you in the next day or two and provide links of websites and contacts that can help. If you need to get out now, or if they are of no help, go to your local police station, tell them the situation and they will give you help. You shouldn't have to press charges if you don't want to. Going to the police will help you particularly if you feel he would try to track you down if you left - they could place you in a protected environment.

If you feel that he wouldn't try to track you down - you say you have a great job; why not look for a new place to live? Not too close to where you are now, but not too far from work.

I completely understand it must be very hard for you in Australia with no friends of family. You're clearly an intelligent woman though, and you know you need to leave him. Do whatever you need to do to get away.

Loneliness will not be worse. The kind of behaviour he is displaying is the kind of behaviour that will escalate. If it was a one-off, out of character moment, you'd be saying 'my boyfriend is amazing, but.....' rather than 'my boyfriend is intimidating and a bully'. Before you know it, he WILL hit you. He will most likely start controlling you and stopping you from leaving the house. You will be more lonely then than you are now. If you are away from him, you have the chance to meet someone better. Maybe you have some good times with him, but honestly, you can find someone who you will have ALL good times with. Someone who isn't a coward or a bully. If you stay with the boyfriend you have now, not only will you be miserable and torn down into half the woman you are now, but you will never get a chance to meet the man that is right for you.

I hope you can get some help and get away from your pathetic excuse of a boyfriend.

xx Emmie

Answer 2

Go home! Pack your stuff and leave. You can get a great job back home.
Do you know how much your wasting your life with this man - if you cant go home then find a flat or a hostel and do a flitt. Dont you have any friends through work you can talk to- or stay with?
I really feel for you i have been in a similar situation but you must get strong - loneliness does not last forever-not if you get out there and meet people. Dont let this put you off you will severly regret it.
Good luck to you x

Answer 3

Men behave that way for a variety of reasons.Have you wondered why he was so close to striking you?
I'm not saying it was your or his fault,because I do not know the lead up to it,only you and he know that.
I think perhaps he is feeling threatened with your relationship,perhaps his inability to cope with the demands such a relationship brings.
He might feel his independance is at stake and that he needs to "set the record straight"in the only way he knows.
At a guess,and trying to avoid the hysteria that inevitably goes with the mereset mention of "domestic violence",I would say that unfotunately,you are unsuited to each other and that you and he should go your seperate ways.
Is being threatened in this way preferable to being lonely?
You say you have a good job and I take that to mean you like it,so why not get yourself a small place that you can call your own,which brings with it responsibilities that can stave off loneliness if thats what worries you.
In a short time you might find that you are starting to actually enjoy that new life,and your new demeanour will help you to socialise and become friends with other people.The world is full of people who think they will be lonely,all they have to do is reach out.And I dont say that in a trite way because I have very much been there.As I have in the whole scenario,although I had an abusive wife instead,who used her fists on me and the children,along with a nasty brand of mental torture.
I see your situation going that way possibly,so think a lot about it and dont ever feel alone in this.If nothing else,you have this site at the moment.
As one door closes,the saying goes.

Answer 4

I would leave with nothing but the clothes on my back before I would allow myself to be victimized by this man. You say you have a good job...then get out. Move somewhere and dont tell him where. Let your co workers know the situation in case he comes around your work. Call the police the next time he touches or threatens you and get a restraining order. Let him know that if he hits you that you will break his legs when he goes to sleep and make sure that he understands that you mean it. As long as you are afraid and you show it then he has you right where he wants you...afraid of him...My husband raised his hand to me ONCE and I told him "If you ever hit me or threaten me again I will hurt you when you go to sleep and lets face it I can stay awake alot longer than you can." I meant it and he apparently knew I meant business. See I was the victim in my first marriage and I swore I would never be again and I wont. Dont be a victim. Take action. God bless and good luck

Answer 5

there has got to be some where or some one who can help you. you shouldnt be going through this. this man needs to get a back bone and controll him self. if he wont admit it theres no hope of him getting help to change it so what ever you do dont stay with this man. i got out of a relation ship with a controlling man a year and a half ago it was the best thing i ever did it made me a stronger person. i live alone now with my daughter and ive never seen him again, recently ive being trying to find him so my daughter can get to know him it is her father after all but now i feel strong enough to see him and not be controlled, minipulated or intimidated by him.you must respect your self and get away frm him lonleyness is much better then being scared he will eventually hit you what will you do then is that what it will take to make you leave dont wait for that help your self and get out before that happens. go any where there must be some organasations that help people in your situation. hope ive helped and good luck.

Answer 6

it is far better to be alone and safe than with someone and in fear. if u have a good job, why not get your own place. if he is abusing u now, don't marry this man. he is a controller, has problems within himself. next time it could be your face he hits. if u see the abuse is getting worse, don't stay wit him just because u would have nothing, that's not good enough reason. have some self respect and don't let him abuse u, leave him and get out of there, begin saving money so u won't be on the streets.

Answer 7

Use your paycheck to move out. You will meet new people. He is a loser and you would end up dead or maimed. Men who take their women away from family and friends are often abusive. Leave him. Don't wait until something really bad happens. Sounds like you have been foolish enough to give him all of your money. Which means everything is not his but is also partly yours. See a lawyer. Call an abused women's hot line. Do something immediately. Next time his fist might be inches into your face not from it.

Answer 8

Leave him now! If you have a good job and you can support yourself then do it otherwise contact a Women's shelter - these will help you til you are back on your feet - don't hesitate just do it - I walked away from everything I owned once - with only the clothes on my back and a baby in my belly - its the best thing I've ever done - no regrets at all!!

WESNET - Women's Services Network
GPO Box 1579, Canberra ACT 2601
ph 02 6247 1616 fax [phone]
email: [e-mail]

Hope this helps!

Good Luck!!

Answer 9

Get Out!!!!! I would bet he wanted to have sex as soon as he was done threatening you. You are on a slippery slope down a hill of horror, pain, degradation physical and mental injuries and financial ruin. Get control of your MONEY first thing. Money is your power. Find a shelter, call the police to ask to contact help for battered women and plan your time to leave when he won't be around to hurt you or smooth talk you out of it.Don't dump too much on your worker buds, some companies are crummy enough to fire someone with problems and it really happens when men are your bosses are men. You are a precious child and you don't need to be a punching bag for anyone.

Answer 10

Wow, this is difficult. Anyone that displays that type of aggression seems almost certain to be physically abusive. The emotional and psychological abuse is already there. I had a similar situation when I was in Germany and my ex chose to be single while we were married, it was terrifying but as soon as I got home, I left. Seek assistance from friends and family and go home if its at all possible, he will get worse