What do i do when my fifteen year old daughter wants to fight with me?

Question

She always thinks she is better than me, and that i am supposed to listen to her, not the other way around. She smarts off and back talks all the time. Now she is telling lies.Can someone give me advice?

Answer 1

When she was much younger would have been the proper time to teach her to respect you. It is not too late, but it is going to be harder now. Listen to her, let her know you heard her, then tell her the way it is going to be. If you don't rein her in now in another year or so your life will be hell. She should mind you or be grounded, have privileges revoked etc.

Answer 2

I'm curious as to why this is in the "friends" catagory, instead of the "Adolescent" or general parenting catagories. If the reason is because you consider your fifteen-year-old daughter to be your friend, and that's why you're suprised by this behavior, I think you need to adjust your thinking to where you're the mom and she's the daughter, and act accordingly.

If that's not the case, ignore what I just said. :-)

What she's doing is normal. Every (okay, ALMOST every) teenager (especially girls) does this at some point. That doesn't make it okay, though.

The first thing you need to do is sit her down and explain that in your house, respect WILL go both ways. You will respect her, but she has to respect you. However, since you're the parent and she's the child, the way you show her respect is to not take advantage of her and to consider her preferences and requests. That doesn't mean you have to take her side all the time.

Her way of respecting you will be to not smart off or be rude, and to not show you the disrespect that she shows by lying.

It's good to have a two-way road of communication, but ultimately, you both have to realize that you're the parent, and she's the child. It is your job to consider what is best for the whole family (whether it's just the two of you, or if there is a spouse and/or siblings).

I think, if you present it as a conversation about how you can show respect for each other, rather than as a power struggle, you could be affective in reaching her and getting her to see that she needs to behave for the sake of being a more respectful (and therefore, respected) person.

Answer 3

Remember, you're the adult here, so you have to act like it.

Try thinking back to when you were a teenager, and how frustrated you felt all the time. Think about things from your daughter's point of view - maybe she's wrong about the issue, but what is it that's really upsetting her?

You need to not let her rile you, and demonstrate to her that it's possible to *be* upset with *getting* upset about it. In other words, it's okay to say "I'm upset and hurt by your words/behavior" while still remaining calm, without blaming her for being a bad person.

You need to set reasonable rules for behavior, and enforce them firmly and calmly. Tell her, "Honey, I am happy to listen to you, but you need to give me that same courtesy, and listen politely when it is my turn." Then listen to what she has to say.
Tell her that she is welcome to state her opinion, but she must do so with consideration for other people's feelings - she can't call names or insult people, including you.
If she is telling lies, calmly question her about each lie until she trips herself up - "So you were at Susan's house? When did you get there? What did you do? What was Susan wearing? Did you leave at any time? Was her mother there? She was? So if I called Susan's mother right now and asked her, she could confirm you were there? No? Your sure you weren't at the park with Jimmy? Really? Because Mr. Smith said he saw you two there - why would Mr. Smith say that if it weren't true?" Most liars can't sustain such a string of lies, and once you've proven her in a lie, you can remind her that she doesn't need to lie to you... but to be fair, you have to promise not to flip out when she tells you the truth.

Remember, her attitude isn't about YOU - it's about HER. She's young and confused and trying to figure things out for herself, so don't take it personally.

Answer 4

Just tell her that if she wants you to listen to her, then she had to treat you with the same amount of respect. And don't think your advice is worthless, becuase it's not, I mean you have tried your best to teach her good morals. And for some teens, being a rebel is a really long phase, but just be patient and don't give up on her, she needs you, she just doesn't know it yet.

Answer 5

You are the parent, stop trying to her friend first. You will have to be 3 things with your daughter; Be fair,be firm & lastly be consistent. Set guidelines and rules she will have to follow. When you daughter violates any of your rules go to the 3. Also assign jobs, chores she has to do everyday like; Load, unload dish washer, clean her room, take out the trash etc....
This is only my opinion, but I think you might have been to easy going with her for a long time. Good Luck.

Answer 6

best thing i can tell you is set her straight and remeber ur the mom in the house...if she doesnt listen, take away some of her privileges...some kids like to challenge their parents to see how soft they are so they can take advantage of them and thats what she's doin to you....last thing you want to do is be scared of your daughter because i know you did not give birth to a problem child so dont wait until its too late....if u need help, get professional help...see a counselor or take ur daughter to someone and let them make ur daughter realize that she should be happy to have a woman in her life that cares about her because we all know that one day she's really going to need you and thats when she's goin to respect you and want you the most...

Answer 7

I remember my teens very clearly & I was mean to my mom too, alot of the time. Ask he straight out, do you want me to treat you like an adult? She'll, of course, say yes. Ask her: Do you want me out of your life, your buisness, etc. etc. Most angst-y teens will vehemently say yes!! Then tell her to show you some respect & at LEAST hear you out when you have something to say (she doesnt HAVE to agree!)The worst mistake you can make as a parent I think is to assume you ALWAYS know best. Even if you do, kids have to make alot of mistakes on their own before they'll admit to you being right all along. Admit to her that you don't know everything!! Admit you don't ALWAYS know best! She'll be amazed when you bring yourself down to her level & admit your not a God. At that point, sit DOWN with her & tell her how MUCH you love her & how very special & important she is to you. Tell her you know you're not always right, but your her mom & it's your job to be worried for her, and to stress about how she lives her life, coz you do truly want the best for her. That being sai, ask her to make a deal with you. You'll respect her, her opinions & her decisions, if she'll be honest with you when you ask her questions, at least listen to what you have to say when you DONT agree with her and she try her best to watch the rude remarks & back-sassing; that being said, you can't insult her either. If you compromise with her & treat her like she has a hand in the decision making, I think she'd be more willing to open up to you over-all. I hope all works out. Best of Luck!

Answer 8

Well..since she is 15 hormones develop in your brain faster then she can so she can't help the fact that she thinks she is an adult....my best advice is to not fight back even if you want to......also don't show her any emotions because it will throw her relly off gaured!

Answer 9

This may not help you but i try.
Your daughter probably wants a little space. Just let her have some. If she has enough space you might just be agravating her. You shouldn't try and seem smarter than her. Just let her be the way she is. She'll wise up.

Answer 10

Go to family court intake and talk with their counselors, get referrals and options. Join a parent support group, this is not unusual and you will need to find what works for you. Its not easy but there is a lot of help out there.