Ok I am certain I am in a verbally abusive relationship, He gets extremely hostile at times.?

Question

My question is, how often does an abuser like this turn physical. We have been together almost 5 years and are now living together, He has never gotten physical but since we have moved in together his verbal attacks have increased exponentially. All advice appreciated and needed asap.

Answer 1

He is apparently already socialized to abusiveness, so he will start becoming physical when what he is already doing stops working like he wants it to work, and if he knows he can get away with it.

The three reasons men abuse women:

1. It works.

In a short-term, get what you want immediately situation, hitting someone works. Contrary to what some people may believe, domestic violence is rarely about anger. People may blame it on an "anger management" problem. But the same people who supposedly cannot manage their anger when it comes to their spouse manage perfectly well when it comes to their parents, the neighbor, the grocery clerk, or the police officer who comes to the door. Domestic violence is about using violence to gain (and maintain) control. Often the batterer views the victim as a possession to be guarded and controlled -- they monitor phone calls and email, reduce contact with family and friends, and if their possession gets out of line, they smack it back in place.

One woman told a particularly telling story. It was Thanksgiving time, and she and her husband (newly married) were preparing dinner. Their families were on the way over to celebrate with them. During the preparations, they got into an argument and he punched her in the face, breaking her jaw in three place. Needless to say, Thanksgiving dinner did not happen and she spent that day in the hospital. For the next ten years, her husband didn't have to hit her again. He could control her with two simple words: Remember Thanksgiving.

Men hit women because it works. They get the control that they want and they get their way.

2. They can get away with it.

Up until as recently as ten years ago, domestic violence was a 'personal problem,' not really treated as a crime. Sure the police might come out, but usually they either made one of the people leave the residence or made vague references to how the two parties needed to learn to handle their business and they "better not have to come back again."

While things have improved considerably, there are a large number of people who still believe that Domestic Violence is one of those things in which they shouldn't get involved. There are a distinct lack of witnesses when it comes to Domestic Violence crime. Would you speak as a witness if you saw saw a man wielding a knife against a woman he did not know? Would you speak up if you saw a hit and run? Most people would. But those same people will not speak up or come forward when the crime is domestic violence. Hitting your spouse is more acceptable than hitting a stranger.

The same thing is true when it comes to the workplace. If a man calls too often (and rest assured, this is calculated -- if your possession is working that means that there's a large part of the day where she is out of your control), or comes by and causes trouble, rather than asking what might be going on in the relationship, your coworkers and boss are generally going to roll their eyes and ask the victim to correct the problem. The same thing if she takes sick days because of his behavior. And if she doesn't correct the problem? She gets fired.

By refusing to hold men accountable for their actions, we are giving them tacit permission to go on with the abuse. It's okay to hit your wife. Nobody will say anything. The police won't help you. Your family won't help you. Your boss won't help you. You're on your own.

3. Socialization

Despite the many years of women's liberation, the predominant view in society is still that men are supposed to be in charge. True, it may not be spoken directly, but it doesn't have to be.

Examine the major consequences to the male ego if he is perceived by other men as not wearing the pants in his relationship. We have invented any number of ugly words to describe such a condition -- p*ssy-whipped, ball-less, spineless, boytoy. They all add up to one thing. The man who is not in control may as well be impotent. That is how he will be viewed by his peers.

Yes, this is a generalization. Yes, changes have been made. But when you look at the most telling part of our society, entertainment, it is easy to see that we still think that men should be strong and that violence is sexy.

Answer 2

I would suggest counseling for the both of you. If he says no and doesn't change after telling him how you feel leave.

Why wait to see what it takes for him to hit you or worst, what happens if you have a baby?

If you have to leave, then do it with out him there or have plenty of ppl. with you.

He could turn mean knowing your leaving him, and when your gone you'll hear how he has changed. Just tell him with a clear bill of health from a counselor you won't go back.

No one deserves to be treated badly, now I not saying because someone says something mean or hurt full leave.

I'm saying if you can count on your hands and feet the number of good days you've had in month get out.

Hope this helps

Answer 3

1st of all, why do you put up with it? NO ONE deserves to be spoken down to. that only causes for you to be insecure and have low self esteem about yourself.

if you're worried bout it getting physical later, then you need to get out of it while you still can... it doesn't matter if you love him so much or that he's only like this at certain times... the point is... he's abusive! you don't want it to be too late.

i was in an abusive relationship for 4 years, and i got out. i wish i had gotten out sooner, but i was blinded by love... hoping he'll grow up and things will get better. finally i realized, it was a wasted 4 years. however, i did learn from it.

honey, don't wait around... get out now! don't wait for it to get physical!

Answer 4

If this verbal abuse is getting worse, there is a high chance it will get physical. Either way you should not be in a verbal abusive relationship either. If he can't stop, then it's time to get out ASAP. Don't waste your time or energy on this person who is trying to destroy your self-esteem. This is a controlling person who will only make you miserable. Good luck!!

Answer 5

He needs to take anger management classes and don't tell him this but suggest that you both go and learn how to do it so he doesn't feel its a personal attack. Tell him you are interested and would he go with you and work it out in class. It sounds like he was verbally abused when he was a child and has been caught in a cycle of abuse, so he has to recognise and realise this so he can fix it for himself. Maybe he doesn't realise he is actually abusing you, call a womens assault line or office and just ask about how to handle or assist in breaking the abuse cycle so that you both can start to enjoy yourselves more together. Take care Heather

Answer 6

It's time to get out. It's not going to get any better living with him. Usually verbally eventually becomes physical; I've lived through it and have seen friends/family go through it. I would get my ducks in a row and start planning to move. I wouldn't tell him what you're doing, but if he finds out, I'd be honest. If he turns physical is when you call the police. Start looking for a new place, financially get things ready like deposits and to make sure everything gets put in your name like phone, cable, power, etc....

Answer 7

Maybe he needs hormone therapy, my husband did and now we both get along most of the time. He went to the doc and told him that he has no patience, and gets so mad and flies off the handle-then the next minute he would be sad and depressed. Every emotion he felt was extreme. Now he has been prescribed Trazadone 50mg and he takes 2/day at night, at the same time. We found out later that this is an anti-psychotic hormone replacement therapy but who cares it works for us. The only thing is that you have to watch out for ibuprofen and painkillers in cold meds. These and alcohol don't mix. I hope you can work things out. Best to both of you!

Answer 8

It may take a while, but it probably will escalate to physical abuse, especially if you challenge him by not following his rules. But, why wait? Tell him you can't put up with his hostility any more and while this argument is panning out make plans to get away and find a better guy.

Answer 9

he's a controller type, he could get physically abusive, begins with verbal abuse and disrespect first. u really need to get out of there, no one deserves a life like that, he has some issues, maybe he saw this as a child, maybe he isn't Happy with himself, but don't stay with him, no reason to allow someone to do u like this when theres so many nice guys out there to pick from, u don't have to settle for that.

Answer 10

kay...here's the thing, he may not be physical yet, but he will. you need to get out now! why have you put up with it for 5 years??? he is a control freak and no one deserves that. I bet after an attack, he gets real nice....and then it happens again. that is what they call a cycle....the cycle does not end, it only gets worse....you need to get out and move on with your life. he is not good for you. i am sure you have heard that before....if you plan on staying with him, then you really shouldn't be asking what should you do.