My husband and I totally disagree on how my 14 year old daughter should be punished. He thinks it's okay to spank her and I say she's too old. He thinks there's nothing wrong with pulling down her pants, too and this is where I say NO WAY!! It has become a HUGE problem in our life, as my daughter is constantly in trouble for her smart mouth and messy room. The fact that he's her stepdad factors in, too. (even though he raised her since she was a baby). I'm constantly having to be in the middle of them both. My daughter has even accused him of purposely putting trash in her room just to get her in trouble, and I think it may be true, and she swears to me that it's true. They absolutely hate each other, what can I do?? It's to the point where I've had to tell my 15 year old son to watch over them when I'm not there so that my husband doesn't do anything I've told him not to (spank her).
2007-03-30 03:30:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Just so you know: I DO NOT let him spank her... He has not spanked her in a couple of years, he just thinks it's time for another one!
2007-03-30 03:39:47 · update #1
We can't exactly go to counseling..In this day and time, the slightest thing can get your child taken away, whether there's something to it or not. They take away your child and sort it out later.
2007-03-30 03:45:32 · update #2
Your husband is way out of line. I think trying to spank a fourteen year old is bad enough. But pulling her pants down?? That's sexual abuse whether he intends it to be or not. You need to get a professional counselor involved on this one. You need to protect your daughter.
2007-03-30 03:37:08 · answer #1 · answered by alikilee 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
AND YOU ARE RIGHT!!! But what are your options, seeing that he has been around all this time and the situation was allowed to develop to this level? He definitely needs to learn a little about kids growing up and to respect her. He better get ready for her to grow up and he'd better get smart. It would be a BIG mistake for him to pull down her pants for ANY reason at that age and he's looking for major trouble with the Law should she decide to acuse him, since they "hate" each other so much. She could!
Your husband's problem is that he doesn't know anything about human development and is afraid of your daughter's growing up, but it has to happen and it's going to happen, so he'd better mature and face reality.
You probably should speak to a Minister or Counselor about this whole issue, because you have a war going on in your own home. Move it !!
PS: If you're afraid to go to Counseling (which you shouldn't be) try a Minister or someone like that. You need the help, especially when you can't feel secure to even go to the store. If you don't do something this could certainly escalate!
2007-03-30 10:41:13 · answer #2 · answered by forlove 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thats a tough one. I am in a similar situation with my husband and step son. I am not saying that your husband is innocent but I too have been accused of many things by my husband and his family that were outrageous. I will admit that sometimes I become so angry because he is the biggest brat (hes 16) fighting for dads attention, that I have planted a couple of things on him out of anger and resentment. I later regret it and realize how immature that was but it comes from anger of not being able to voice my opinion and constantly being accused as an excuse when he does something bad or wrong. He was recently detained at juvie and my husband and his family blamed me as an excuse saying that he was stealing because "I" dont buy him enough (as if its MY job) ! Well anyway, my point is that your husband obviously has anger issues and you need to get your daughter in line, not just him if you really want to be with him. If you spank her, you run the possibility of her running away since she also has resentment there. Good luck and feel free to e-mail me if you want opinions from the other side like your husband is on.
2007-03-30 10:57:53 · answer #3 · answered by Blue 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That sounds like the way my stepdad used to do me. He would spank me with a belt, when I was 12, 13, and 14 years old. I personally think that 14 is to old to be spanked. Only young children should be. You don't punish a teenager with spankings, you take things away from them, ground them, don't let them talk on the phone, don't let them have friends over, don't let them go places after school, or don't let them go places on the weekends. My stepdad would purposely do things to get me in trouble and it finally got to the point that I wasn't going to let him rule over me anymore so I started to defend myself. He was very mean and cruel to me. I think that you should tell your husband that you think she is told old for spankings and you think there are better ways to punish her. Tell him that talking on the phone or not getting to do things is alot more punishable than a spanking, or atleast I think so. I know not getting to do things with my friends hurt alot worse. Once it gets to where you can't do anything anymore you realize that keeping your rooms clean and having a smart mouth isn't worth it! When I would get a spanking it would make me want to act out even more to my stepdad, but when something I cared about got taken away it made me realzie that he wasn't worth my not getting to have a life! Maybe your daughter would respect her stepdad if he had some respect for her, and actually treated her like the young adult she is, instead of like a 3 year old child!
2007-03-30 10:52:10 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's time to sit down and have a serious talk with your husband. Yes, she's too old to be spanked. There should be other severe consequenses she can face other than that that are age appropriate like no cell phone, no tv, no dating, no hanging out with friends etc...then, sit down with the both of them and disucss the fact of him being accused of the trash situation and (anything else mean she's accused him of)because if you don't nip that in the bud now, it will escalate to something much worse. Have your son sit in on it too, this way he's completely aware of the situation and knows what's going on etc...since he's having to be the watchdog, he needs to know things also =) Good luck!!
2007-03-30 10:48:42 · answer #5 · answered by suzlaa1971 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have never felt that it was wrong to spank your children when they are very young (unable to reason), 14 is way too old, A father or stepfather has no business exposing the bottom of a 14 yr old girl. You are her mother, you have the final say. Keep in mind that as their relationship spirals downward she will resent you for allowing it to happen. If he wont respect your rights as the biological mother, you are going to have to make a choice. Support your children or support your husband. In my mind the children come first
2007-03-30 10:51:27 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a 14 year old son, I don't spank him because number one he's to old, number 2 spanking don't solve anything. I put him on punishment. I don't like to hit my children because I don't like anyone hitting me. I respect my children enough not to put my hands on them, but they also know that moma don't play. Also maybe your daughter needs some counseling. you need to listen to your daughter, maybe it could be some jealous between the step dad that you are giving her to much attention. But don't forget your child come first. Don't let your husband spank her because I think he wants to do it out of anger not love
I also agree with one of the writers that pulling her pants down is abuse I think that is sick, have you ask your husband why she has to have her pants pulled down. thats kind of creepy to me
2007-03-30 10:41:04 · answer #7 · answered by sonya h 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your daughter's behavior could be because of the way he treats her, like throwing garbage in her room to get her in trouble. That is not right. I hate to say it, but watch over your daughter. After all, she's YOUR DAUGHTER. Do not let him put his hands on her. The fact that she's a teenager and he wants to pull her pants down is disturbing. Make it clear to him that he is never to disrespect your daughter that way. Talk to her and make it clear to her that she is to come to you if he ever tries to put his hands on her. I'm glad that you believe your daughter. You all may benefit from family counseling.
2007-03-30 10:50:46 · answer #8 · answered by Doll 101 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are going to have to resolve this. If you don't your daughter is going to ruin all of your lives. It sounds like a good spanking would indeed set her straight for a while, maybe for good. Maybe a good compromise is for your husband to agree to stay out of it as long as you agree to adequately discipline your daughter. Yes, you will have to give her the spanking, but that would be better than your husband doing it.
2007-03-30 16:58:09 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
What's next letting him have sex with her you need to leave your kids are the most important thing in the world. do what makes them safe and loved and cared for think do you want your daughter to grow up and marry a man like her step dad?
your daughter needs help and thats your job
2007-03-30 11:33:57 · answer #10 · answered by mirandadeve2002 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋