How Can I get Her To Open Up To Me? Without making It worse?

Question

I posted a question about my roommate about three days ago. She has been having really bad night terrors for the pass few days. She'll try to fight me off when I try to calm her down. And as I'm holding her and she finally begins to relax, she starts sobbing harder about someone or something hurting her... I'm not really sure. But when she is crying she holds her lower stomach, as if in pain. I know she isn't physically in pain. She will basically cry until she is literately exhausted. Sometimes she is so frightened I have to rest with her in my arms until she falls asleep. I hate seeing her like this…she just seems so small, and fragile.

I asked a similar question, and most people told me not to ask her what was going on in her dreams, or her pass. I asked her anyway, but that made it worse…she just hides her face in my neck and doesn’t answer. And if I ask again she starts to tremble and cry. I really need to know for her sake and mines. We have come along way, with getting along and stuff. I just really need to know… How can I get her to open up to me, without making it worse???

No, it's not an abortion, I asked her.

Answer 1

As hard as it is for you to see her in so much emotional pain, you do need to hold back a little and place no pressure on her whatsoever. Whatever is hurting this lady so bad is so deep rooted inside her that talikng openly about it isn't just going to make it go away. As you have seen for yourself, she is just not ready to discuss it. However do not lose heart because just being there is a very good start and it does give her a sense of comfort and a feeling of safety, and she does appreciate this more than may be evident. You just need to be very patient and over a period of time, little bit by little bit, she may begin to open her heart to you.

Try and also understand that by not discussing it with you she is actually keeping this fear locked inside where she may feel it is actually safer than letting it run loose in the outside world - i know this sounds strange but place yourself in her situation. To ease her suffering she would like to share her burden but where it lies now she has a degree of control over it and is just not ready to let it out.

All i can say to you is make sure she knows you are there for her. Sit and talk with her any opportunity you get, not about this but life generally. If you sense it is safe to maybe approach the issue then delicately try but the first sign of her reacting badly or not wanting to talk about it then leave it at that. She can't be pressured. But i feel sure she will one day just feel confident and comfortable enough with you to gradually release what is hurting her so much. Hold her , comfort her, let her see and feel she is safe with you, that she can trust you. And let time and her own sense of security do the rest.

Respect to you for being so caring. Warm hug to the lady in question. Keep strong for the both of you.

Answer 2

I'm going to take a guess here from what you have already said, as you've given enough information to be able to answer your own question.
From your description, someone has beat her up badly in the past (on the belly probably) and the thing she doesn't want you to know is 'why' that happened. Not that there is EVER a reason for beating someone up.

You don't need to know the details or the reasons. She needs only gentling and the reassurance that you will never use violence except to protect her.

There are two aromatherapy essences that might be helpful one is lemon balm (Melissa) which is useful for mild shock. However, I would choose jasmine for the calming and relaxing effect, and because it is precious - just like her. Best to be subtle and get it in a shower gel or something. Scents act directly on the emotions.

Answer 3

Just tell her, "I'm sorry he hurt you. But I am here for you. If you never want to tell me what happened, I will understand ." ( because some things are just painful to speak about, especially to a man whom you may want to give your heart to). And yes, she is in pain. That physical pain is never, ever, forgotten. Don't ask her. If and when she is ready to share and trust you, she will. Just reassure you that your are there; she need not be afraid anymore. If you wake up and are scared, just hold onto me. And that's all: just hold her. Don't question why she needs you to hold her; just do! The more you question the more difficult it becomes, the more memories you bring to the surface. Just be there. Show her this, and then tell me if what I haven't suggested is true. Because she is small and fragile. And bless you for being there for her, being a friend when she needs one.

Anthony, I truly pity any female who is conned into going out with an insensitive, immature, idiot like you. Guys like you are what cause females to have nightmares!

Answer 4

You can not do anything but be there for her. She needs to get some help. Suggest--no beg her to seek professional help. She can not continue to live like that. Eventually she will want to give up. Something tramatic has happened or is happening to her. She needs to resolve this problem asap.

I once knew a girl that acted like that because she was pregnant, and afraid to tell anyone. There are many reasons for people to be terrified. If she won't confide in you, make sure she finds someone (preferrably a professional) to help her through this.

You are a good friend.

Answer 5

Praying for her is a start. If that's not enough for you, then I have a few other suggestions. Befriend her. Take her out to things that bring happiness. Or peaceful places. Talk about your fears to her, and show her she can trust you. Give it time, eventually she'll start to open up, but don't pry. If she seems to be uncomfortable, make her laugh and forget about the questions. Good luck, and keep holding her. That means so much to a person, but please, don't tell others, it could be very embarrassing for her.

Answer 6

This girl is very wounded and traumatized about this. I would suspect a abortion..I would pray about this. Obviously you love this girl and keep being her friend until she opens up to you. Let her be reminded that there is no sin which God cannot wipe away. She is punishing herself and has not forgiven herself. Pray about this with her when she is crying just hold her and say," Jesus my friend is hurting and I know you can take that pain away and I ask you to come and comfort her in Jesus name amen."

Answer 7

When she is that upset, get her mind OFF what's freaking her out. Turn on the tv or some music, make her some tea, sing her a song, do a goofy dance, whatever will get her attention & make her laugh or comfort her. You can't MAKE a person open up, but if she trusts you & feels safe with you, she will tell you ALL about her problems. Girls are like that. Then you won't be able to shut her up ; )

Answer 8

All you can do is be there for her until she trusts you so implicitly she opens up to you without you having to ask.
It may take a long time before she does that but letting her do it on her own without pressure will benefit her most.

Your already showing her she can trust you from what you're doing already. Give it time and she'll talk to you, all you can do meanwhile is support her and be there for her.

Answer 9

Sounds like she needs professional help. She may not want to open up to you because she is ashamed of whatever she keeping from you. A neutral third party is what's called for so she doesn't feel like she's being judged by someone she will have to interact with.

Answer 10

IF YOUR ROOMMATE IS A TRUE FREIND SHE WILL TELL YOU BUT IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THERES NOT MUCH WRONG WITH HER AND SHE IS LOOKING FOR ATTENTION GIVE HER A STIFF DRINK BEFORE SHE GOES TO SLEEP AND TELL HER THAT YOU WILL BE THERE FOR HER BUT YOU WILL NOT BE MUCH GOOD TO HER IF SHE DOSNT LET YOU SLEEP