Problems with sex...?

Question

I didn't really feel comfortable talking about this with anyone I know...because no one knows...so I thought I'd try posting it here.

The summer before I came to college (I'm a junior) I was sleeping over at the person I worked for's house (I babysit). I had just taken a pretty powerful sleeping pill and was almost completely unconscious. The person I worked for's boyfriend came downstairs (he was 50) and he fingered me and might have done some other stuff. I kept going in between being conscious and not conscious, but I couldn't get awake enough to get him off of me. Everytime I think about it I feel disgusting.

Fastforward a few years to the present, I am dating a really nice guy. However, whenever we are having sex I get really sad and just want it to stop. I'm guessing it has to do with what happened. The guy I'm dating doesn't know exactly what happened, but he knows something happened...since I freak out all the time. I'd like to be able to have sex and not get so upset. Help..

Answer 1

You should find a recommended psychologist first thing. Before you talk about it with your boyfriend.

Answer 2

Every time you have sex with your boyfriend you are reliving the feelings you had when the old fart molested you. Ditto with the other answers about getting professional help. Probably you never really "exorcised" the ghost of that experience. If you refuse therapy try this, use a pillow and imagine the old guy's ah vitals on them and beat the **** out of that pillow. You need to feel empowered and not as a helpless passive victim of sex. After all, you as a female have the real power, power to say yes or no, power to control the intensity. Also, reach inside you and maybe you don't really want sex with the bf, he might be as much of a liar/sneak as the old man. Stop feeling dirty and start feeling sexy, would be a real shame if you missed out on the intimacy for life.

Answer 3

Well first off, I understand what people are saying about therapy...yes it can be good thing, but it doesn't work for everyone. Before you run off and spend 80 bucks an hour on a therapist to have that person tell you you have intimacy issues maybe there are some other options to explore. As I said, Therapy works for some people, but speaking from experience, something like this is a process *YOU have to go through.

It takes time, and it takes a lot of understanding and patience on his part. I felt as though no one could understand what exactly was going through my head when I thought of what had happened to me in intimate situations. And see, no one will. But the comforting thing is that this great guy that your seeing can help you slowly but surely get past that feeling of sadness. As someone else said, eye contact is good. Also, smells are very strongly related to memory. If your boyfriend has a cologne or soap that he always uses or even the smell of his dirty sheets (sounds gross, but ever noticed just how "good" they smell when you love the guy? lol) use the smell to incite a lustful feeling, concentrating on all the good memories that are linked to that smell can help you link the intimacies of having sex with him with that smell if you concentrate on it. I hope that makes sense.

What it came down to with me is that I just needed him to just be aware of what happened...exactly what happened. I was completely conscious so my memories are a bit more vivid. If there were specific things that reminded me of the situations I told him and we moved on to another "action". It's hard. It's really hard and I have times where that sad feeling comes flooding back when we are intimate but the important thing that I remind myself is that I AM IN LOVE with this man and that he would never ever hurt me in that way. What we are doing is an act of love nd not of lust or violence. Well sometimes lust, but thats not what I mean. (wink wink) I hope that things get better for you. It has been almost 4 years since what I went through and I still have things that I deal with. email if you like. [e-mail]

Answer 4

I think others have pretty well expressed the advice I would give you.

I would tell your boyfriend about the previous incident and be honest about how your feelings are affected by it. The two of you can work a lot of the problems out.

Counseling and/or psychiatry might be helpful, but sex is a multi-faceted activity that works best when both partners participate honestly and are considerate of each other.

Sex may at times be painful for the female. A gentle and considerate male will be sensitive to that and will try to lessen the pain. (I'm speaking of physical pain here.)

What you need is much more than sex. You need a relationship with him that goes well beyond physical gratification. You need to emotionally bond with him and reach a point where it's about "us," and not about "me" for both of you.

Outside of marriage that may be hard to do. Are you serious enough about this young man to consider marriage? Pure sex might not be the best way for you to go if you aren't.

You need to communicate with your boyfriend in many ways and about many things. If this is going to be a serious relationship all secrets must be on the table, particularly if they affect the way you relate to each other.

Answer 5

Get professional help. Find a clinic or women's group to talk about this. Don't be embarrassed as it's not an uncommon event. Not dealing with it will hinder your future as a sexually healthy woman. There is no quick fix for this, sorry. I can't tell where you are from but check out any mental health clinics or places like Planned Parenthood, crisis centers etc. They will guide you in selecting the right course of action. By the way, that man broke the law and you are paying for it emotionally now, it's not right but there is a cure so go find it. It's all confidential so no fear friends or family will find out.

Answer 6

What happened to you when babysitting was absolutely wrong. You have been very brave to manage to keep going with your life with this secret. It must have been so hard to feel so many feelings inside without anyone to talk to. Sometimes we tend to minimise bad things that happen to us - we say to ourself - 'oh, it wasnt that bad'. But it is that bad - it was a horrible thing to happen. This is sexual assualt.

Sometimes when bad things happen to us we can put them aside, into the back of our heads and keep them there. However they come out in the future like what is happening to you. Even though what is happening with your boyfriend is a nice thing and something you want it also drags up all those feelings that are hidden away.

Sometimes we know the bad things that happen are not our fault and we know that we are not at all responsible. We know this is our heads but sometimes our hearts feel different making us feel ashamed or dirty.

Working through the grief, disgust, anger and horror at what happened to you is probably the most effective way to deal with it so you can get on with your life. You do not necessarily need to go through with any legal action but you probably need to talk to someone about it. It does not mean you have to tell your parents,boyfriend or friends. You need to do what feels comfortable to you.

Is there anyone you can talk to? It is really empowering to talk to someone face to face - it is also very hard. In a Sexual Assault Service the counsellors are trained to help you, some have had similar experiences. They will not judge you or think you are bad.
Do you have a counsellor at college that can refer you to somewhere. Even going to an online sexual assault support group would be helpful.

Goodluck, you have been so brave.

Answer 7

I think you probably should talk a psychiatrist, just to help get over and past it, but find a "good one".

I'm NOT a psychiatrist, but as a human in general, I think you have to figure out how to keep those two events separate. Sex you CHOOSE to have, and some sick bastard that you had no control over. That wasn't sex, that was criminal. Try to make analogies like: "if you've ever had something stolen, it really leaves you feeling violated, where when you sell something in a garage sale, it's a good feeling."

Answer 8

I had similar things happen to me at a very young age. First, you need to tell yourself that what happened wasn't your fault, and it was something in the past. Obviously, because of something terrible like that it'll have it's effects. I suggest getting some counseling. You need some closure. Talk to your bf. You need a hearing ear. That's definitely not something to keep bottled up inside. Sometimes, things like these can leave wounds. Keep telling yourself you'll get better. Good luck.

Answer 9

I assume that you have ruled out therapy and talking to the guy directly about it for now.

I would admit to him that something really bad happen to you , but that you still really want to jumps his bones all the time!

I suggest urging him to start working towards more "loving making" which might be less traumatic (do this over time). Does getting fingered bother you? start with light touching and move to something more aggressive. In addition, although oral sex might not really be your cup of tea, it is a much more submissive act which might make you feel a bit more empowered more controlled over time.

Answer 10

I know how you feel. You need to make a connection with HIM on a personal level. Eye contact is the best remedy. Tell him how important it is to you that you make eye contact. This helps your brain realize its him, and you are not in any danger.

And of course, therapy. But Im sure you know that and a lot of people will post that.

Answer 11

Talk to your boyfriend about what happened. He should understand an may be able to help you get more comfortable. You should no that you did nothing wrong and the intimacy between you and your boyfriend is special.