Will it ever be the same again?

Question

I had a 6 month affair with a colleague of my husband's which ended when he found out about it a month ago when he came home a day early to suprise me.He threw the other guy out and proceeded to yell at me for an hour about trust and fidelity.He decided because he loved me too much and didn't want to take the easy way out he wouldn't divorce me and cause me to lose everything.He refuses to go to marriage counselling insisting we can figure this out on our own. He partly blames himself insisting if he hadn't been away so much this wouldn't have happend.He does travel a lot leaving me bored and lonely.It's been 4 weeks and he can barely look at me let alone touch me.He sleeps in one of the guest rooms and although he has cut back on work a lot we barely talk.He used to worship me and now he looks at me like I'm some stranger to him.Will this ever get better?Am I better off leaving? I'd rather be divorced at 27 than spend another 10 years like this.What can I do to make it better?

Answer 1

Things happen. Things won't be the same but they could be better.

For my part I took a great gamble that I might lose the most beautiful, in every way, lady in the World. I told her point blank that if my favorite movie actress were lying in my bed when I came home, in her negligee and a lustful look and a wiggling tongue I'd do a bit of wiggling myself and take it from there.

However I did PROMISE that if this happened I would give her a ball by ball (?) description of everything that had occurred. I promised her trust which is much more important than bedroom gymnastics (of course that's important too). On the same basis she was free.

So it follows that we had an "Open Marriage". In fact we had the PERFECT marriage for 30 years and no other lovers (despite, I must say some LOVELY offers).

Your idea of a marriage guidance helper is wise but it must be mutually agreed. If both of you feel guilt it makes it so hard to think in your own interests.

Perhaps he should never have worshiped you? Did you encourage this.

You are not a God.

Expect him to understand that.

Perhaps your relationship would have been better based on trust and mutual love?

Perhaps you can be again the girl he was attracted to but with a deeper and more meaningful understanding of him for you and you for him? Admit your weakness.

Perhaps you CAN talk WITH him about things other than your marital problems but keep in mind the idea of TRUST and, if you can be "trusted" show him so. DON'T be insincere but do the lots of little things that make him happy because you love him.

Or leave.

Answer 2

I think you should consider yourself very lucky that something really bad didn't happen when he came home to find another man in his house. I don't think I would have handled it that well. It's only been 4 weeks. Something like infidelity takes a lot of time to get through and get over. Your husband obviously loves you very much or he would have left immediately. Now it is up to you to do most of the work to repair things. You need to be an open book about where you are going, who you are talking to, etc. to try and regain his trust. You should be the one going to him to try and initiate conversations about the relationship and do special things for him to show him that you want this to work. If you don't care either way, then I would let him go so that he can live his life and move on. If you do love him, you are going to have to be patient with him to get through this and get your marriage back on track. His traveling is no excuse for cheating. My Brother in law travels for 6-8 weeks at a time and they have been married for 27 years with no infidelity. If you are bored while he's away, find something productive to do with your time. Get a hobby or maybe even you should go to counseling to try and figure out why you did what you did and work through your feelings. I wish you the best and hope you can get things worked out. it sounds like you have a husband who really loves you and is willing to give it another chance.

Answer 3

What do you expect from him?? Can you imagine how much you have hurt him? It is a nasty wound and it's going to take time to heal. The fact he is still around, means that he loves you quite a bit. Get on your knees and tell him you love him, and you regret it happened, and it will never again,
How can this guy trust you again? The truth is, he probably never will as much as he did before this happened.

Now is the time to figure out if you do love him or not. Are you willing to do without the affairs while he travels? If the answer is no, then that's that, call it off and stop the hurt.

I know you think you have it bad, but what about the military wives? Their husbands are thousands of miles away, dodging bullets, trying to stay alive, and they can honor their vows to him. As a guy, I know what it means to trust your wife, when I need to go out of town, I don't need the worry of having doubts if she is sleeping with someone while I'm away. It makes it hard to work and concentrate with that worry on your mind.

So, with that being said, try and make him feel like a king, help restore his bruised ego, do what ever you can to show him attention. It will take time, but with showing him a lot of love it will help shorten the time required to regain most of the trust he used to have in you.
I'll say a prayer for the both of you, and good luck.

Answer 4

Okay, you and I should talk...

I'm 28, married for 4 years this coming November, and I have a 2.5 year old. Last year I had an affair with an ex-boyfriend that lasted a few months. It eventually ended, and I told my husband about it when it did, but he already knew.

I have never put this out in the open, and no one other than the parties involved know anything about this... until now.

For me, it really wasn't about the sex. In fact, I still have a hard time trying to figure out why I did it. I almost want to say that I was just simply bored, or maybe just trying not to feel old. Things for us are almost like they were before now, because we do really love each other, but we had to do a lot of talking and because of the training I've had in counseling, it was easy for me to get this started. We considered marriage counseling, but in the end, we didn't need it because we were able to talk.

If he really loves you like he says he does, he will go to marriage counseling with you. I would really really strongly insist on this if there is any chance of reconciliation based on the distance you described coming between you. You need to tell him exactly how you're feeling right now. Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him? Tell him how you're feeling, tell him that you can't live like this, and that he shouldn't have to either. The absolute key is communication, and if you can't do this on your own, you need to involve someone else to help you.

I really hope this helps.

Answer 5

It might if you work hard to get him to trust you again. e needs time to heal.
What worries me the most is that you don't say that you (if you do) love your husband, not once! You mention that he said thet e loved you too much and that he used to worship you... But, what do you feel for him??? I bet that if you loved him you would have never cheated on him. OK, he travels because that is part of his job, so you go to bed with someone else not to feel lonely and bored!!!
If you don't have the determination to do whatever it takes to save your marriage I agree: you'd rather be divorced.

Answer 6

You screwed up, not him. No matter how much he was gone, you were married and shouldn't have slept with another man. First of all tell him you're sorry. And then get off your butt and start making the overatures to put your lives back together. I don't blame him for the way he treats you, he must be SO hurt. He trusted you, you blew it. You fix it.

Answer 7

hi, well first of all, would you like to have a fling with me, or would you like to have an affair with me,. just kidding, lol, I'm just kidding,. First things first, it's not his fault, nothing is his fault,. we both know where the blame lies,. but I'm not judging you,. just some helpful hints,. write down on a piece of paper,. how this situation makes you feel,. and then write down what you think this relationship can become,. you're going to have to bend over backwards to get him to trust you again, if that's what you want,. if you want to,. remember he may want to cheat on you now, and he may just wait for the right time to do that to you,. it's a very high possibility,. what do you want out of this relationship,. do you want to save it,. if you do make a list of ten things you want to do, or need to do,. to fix it up,. now,. and also,. time yourself how long it takes you to come up with these ten things,. because it is trust he lost in you,. and that is very hard to get back,. or regain,. I myself would've dumped you as soon as I found out, I would have dumped anyone,. any female who would have done that to me,. would you like to write back to me, or can you,. with this new yahoo answers,.