I can't buy my son a book?

Question

I'm separated. I'm trying to reconcile w/ my wife. I want to buy my son a book. My wife doesn't like the book. The book is a Star Wars kid's novel (he's 11 and loves Star Wars). I like buying things for our children. My wife fights everything I try to do for our children. What I wouldn't do to have someone agree w/me for a change. I've been labeled as the "controlling one" by her. I'm controlling? She thinks Star Wars is a bad influence (she doesn't like fantasy). Remember I'm the controlling one right. I think I'm going insane. What do I do, agree (Yes Dear..)? It seems more and more each day that I am going to have to agree w/ everything the woman says in order to reconcile. I feel my life being slowly sucked away. Am I crazy
? Does it sound like I'm the controlling one?

Oh Yea, I forgot to tell everyone that she won't let the kids come over and spend time with me over here. I have to be over there with them. I'm supposed to be the controlling one.

Answer 1

I can't speak for your relationship as a whole, but I strongly doubt that you are the 'controlling' one. That's a shame attack to make you feel bad, not usually something that has any basis in reality.

I feel so bad for your son, especially if your wife is willing to hold him for ransom/hostage like this just to prove she can control how much influence you have in his life. This tactic will hurt all of you.

You are in the right on this issue at least, but remember that doesn't mean anything and it certainly doesn't give you the right to go get in an argument with her and prove how right you are... actually that would be playing into her game.

If I were in your situation, I'd have a quiet non-confrontational conversation with my wife. I'd point out I like to encourage my son's sense of imagination and creativity and I know that he loves Star Wars and I don't see the harm.

Then before she gets a chance to start arguing I'd pull the rug from under her position by saying: "but I understand if you disagree and since he's living in your house and by your rules, I understand if he can't have the Star Wars book. The thing is that he is our son and I don't want him to feel like we're fighting over him or that he is being pulled into our drama even if we disagree over an issue like this, so I want us to work together as much as possible to provide as stable and loving an environment as we can for him.'

There's really no reason that a loving mother would disagree to that sentiment, in fact she may go the other way and act like this is what she wanted all along and somehow you've been the one who's been unreasonable and dragging the kids into the argument etc. Whatever, DO NOT ENGAGE in any argument with her. Make the conversation about the welfare of your son, not a defense of why you are or are not a good/bad father.

From there it becomes a discussion of house rules and what each parent will provide at their house to provide stability for the son. Maybe you could point out that you are going to have the Star Wars book available for reading at your place if the boy comes to visit, unless there is a really good reason you're not thinking of why a teenage boy shouldn't be allowed to engage his imagination/creativity. Don't be confrontational at all; keep this whole conversation with the framework of providing good parenting to the boy.

I feel for you my friend, I think you have a hard time ahead of you but keep in mind your boy is worth it.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Would you please do me a favor and reread your statement and questions? I want you to reread it a couple of times. You aren't crazy, sweetie! That's the main thing to remember, ok!

Your wife that you want to reconcile with doesn't want you to have the children and you can't buy them gifts. She doesn't like this and she doesn't like that, and you are sure you want to reconcile. If you do, it seems it's going to be her way or now way. Can you do that?

Your life is being sucked slowly away, that's your words. The vampire has you by the juglar vein! You should be able to take your children to your place, and spend time with alone. You should be able to have an opinion on what your son can or can't read. That's only fair. That's only right!

You aren't insane, but I do think some counseling is in order, if you are to have any chance in getting back to a happy and healthy relationship for your family. It's not only yourself these demands are taking a toll on-it's the kids too! Controlling is a major problem in marriage, it's suppose to be 50/50. but we both that's a myth!

Please think carefully about the situation, and please get some help before her actions do make you crazy or insane! Honey, you aren't wrong! You need her help and willingness to bend too to make this work, and if she's not going to compromise you have 2 choices....put up with the demands and her controlling your every move.....or stay away! And get the judge to give you liberal visitation rights, and keep the Star Wars books at your place! It will be a father and son thing! Good luck, and I wish you all the best......

Answer 3

At this point can you even justify why you want to reconcile things with a woman who obviously has no respect for your opinions or needs?

There are certain arguments that are worth having and those that are nothing more than us being to stubborn to just let it go. If you find you and her cannot agree on the major things or find a common ground in these areas then there is no reason to even entertain the thought of reconciling anything.

You have to decide what is worth taking a stand for and what wont matter to you next week. Personally, I think she has unresolved issues about your splitting up. Its not like you're buying your son pornography or a Stephen King horror, its a simple kid's novel. Your son should be allowed to explore his imagination and the both of you should be nurturing that.

You two need to sit down as mature adults and talk this out. If she is incapable of such an act then, again, you have to ask yourself is she even worth the headache.

Answer 4

You don't sound controlling to me if all you want to do is buy the book for your son so he can enjoy it and he knows Dad bought it for that purpose. You have a bigger problem if you're buying it simply because you know it will drive your wife up the wall.

She sounds threatened by the separation. She may be afraid she'll lose "her" son to you because you give him the things he wants and she won't let him have. I can kind of sympathize with her. When my son was that age he was really into Star Wars and wanted everything associated with it. I fought it as long as I could because fantasy wasn't my thing. I had to realize that I had to find common ground with him that made both of us happy. Once I got to that point I was able to listen to my son tell me about Star Wars and even take me to a movie and see it wasn't as dreadful as I thought. It doesn't sound like your wife has evolved to that point, however. What if you kept the book at your house? He could read it there and your wife wouldn't construe it as being shoved in her face.

I don't know what your visitation rights are. Do you buy them something every time you see them. It could be construed you're trying to buy their affection.

Hopefully you and your wife won't end the marriage until you've gone through counseling and tried to work out your problems. Another thing you could try is mediation--maybe with the lawyers who helped you work out the visitation privileges.

I can imagine that you do feel like you're going insane. It's hard to work with someone who is at the opposite end of the spectrum from your thinking and won't show any signs of compromise. Good luck.

Answer 5

If you are separated, then you no doubt have joint custody (or partial, whatever they call it now). So keep the book at your place, and read it together. You can bring him the gift of a really great fantasy story, quality time together, and possibly instill a joy of reading.

She does seem very controlling...what else does an 11 year old boy like better than a sci-fi fantasy? She needs to relax a little, a book isn't a big deal!

In response to your addition: There is law in any civilized country, she can't just appoint you visitation on her own. Go to court to get the time together that you and your kids deserve!

Answer 6

well big daddy--you two are locked in a battle that is dangerous--not to you or your wife--but kids...they should NEVER be in the middle--you are both using this kid issue as a battle plan--and that is wrong---she is fighting the facts and states you are controlling---you fight back to prove her wrong---but insist on proving it by getting a stupid book that means nothing---she could care less about fantasy--she doesn't want you to win out and give the kid a thing---so she can say you are bad and don't care. You want to fight back and give the kid the book regardless--so you can say you win---this is bullcrap and will make the kid a basketcase by 13--in councilling by 15 and a abuser by 18---all because he hates both of you. I don't why you think you are going insane--that is a pitiful way to get sympathy---No sympathy from me---you better knock this crap off and stay away from that nutty woman for a long time--she can cause you legal trouble and cost you money---and drive you nuts. Forget the book, forget the kid--let this thing cool down--visit when you can--take the boy out and don't buy him a thing--bring him home and drop him off--no trinkets or beads---nothing--stop playing the jerk here. Both of you are out of control--you divorced because you can't get along--and you still can't get along---you battle to make each other miserable---so you both win because you both are miserable---leave the damn kid alone and forgte the stupid GD book. Snap the hell out of it and get a life.God what a horrible story--both of you need an as- kicked

Answer 7

No, it sounds just the opposite. Your son is old enough to decide what he is interested in, and there is nothing wrong with star wars. Seems like she's just trying to control every aspect of your interaction with your kids and she has no right to do that. If you want to buy your son a book, buy it and keep it at your house, he can read it when you have him.

Answer 8

Why on earth would you want to reconcile? If she makes you that miserable when separated, I cannot imagine how bad it is when you are together....

Is she only now controlling because she was hurt in the split and is bitter? If that is the case give her ample time to cool off and quit pushing for reconciliation, because it will make her withdraw more.

If she has always been like that... find someone less controlling that will make you happier in the long run.

Buy the book and keep it at your house, that solves the book issue. That way your child can read it when he comes to visit.

Answer 9

There was some great answers , But some said buy the book and let the kids read it at your house, did you not say that they could not go to your home,you have to go there; is this court ordered? If not I would seek a lawyer and take her to court and also see that the courts set it up for all of you go divorce classes and seek help. Go get lawyer for legal separation and that it states when you can have children at your home, she would have to prove you as unfit father first , before you can not have children at your home. Best bet get the LEGAL separation to protect all in family , and if you decide to get back together tear it up together , if not then you have something legal stating you are allowed to have the kids at your home, and you can buy the book for son , unless you are causing harm to your children she can say what can be tough to them at your home . Good luck

Answer 10

Star Wars is great!! My son LOVED it when he was 11 and still loves it as an adult!! Your wife has strange ways and yes, she does sound very controlling. People will play with your mind. You need to be kind, but firm. don't let her push you around. Keep the Star Wars book at your place. when he visits, he can read it and enjoy it in peace. What a shame that she is so narrow.

You sound very unsure of yourself. You need to reach way down inside yourself and pull up some strength, some firmness. Your wife will respect you more if you stand your ground. And so will your son. Set a strong, self assured man example for him!!

I hear a lot of anger building in you. Calm yourself...know that you are your own person...she is a different kind of person... a different personality. We often marry our opposites, unfortunately! But, hang in there...be kind, be nice but be very firm!!!