should you tell your husband this has to stop?

Question

i told my husband he has to stop talking to this girl b/c she is always hitting on him and she is well she has 3 babies none with the same daddy, get me? he got mad and said they were only friends and that he never hides talking to her and does not see what my problem is. am i in the wrong?

i do trust him and i know it does not sound like it, but i am uncomfortable with them talking.
there is also rumors going around there work they are sleeping together, that is why i am asking him to stop talking to her

to judge or not i do know the story b/c we grew up in the same small town she is just a hoe who sleeps around and ends up knocked up. i am not being snotty, i have 3 children of my own which all belong to my husband and she isn't just being friendly she is inviting him over in the middle of the night!

to judge or not i do know the story b/c we grew up in the same small town she is just a hoe who sleeps around and ends up knocked up. i am not being snotty, i have 3 children of my own which all belong to my husband and she isn't just being friendly she is inviting him over in the middle of the night!

Answer 1

Your not wrong at all. If this makes you uncomfortable then he should stop. He is doing it for his ego. It can also lead to other things if it continues. Not because she has 3 kids by different men, but because he is feeding off her attention she is giving him. I don't believe he would take it so lightly if the shoe was on the other foot.

Answer 2

After reading all of the details of your situation.. I thought it would be a good idea for me to edit this.. and hopefully offer some help and support, instead of coming off offensive or deameaning.. I do apologize for that. I wasn't aware of everything that was going on with the situation.. and I jumped to conclusions too quickly. That wasn't fair, so I do apologize.

Anyways..

Your husband needs to realise that you and your children are so much more important, than that friend of his. There is no reason for him to be going over to see her in the middle of the night, for any reason. He is putting himself in a situation that doesn't look good.. from any angle. He's hanging out with some other girl, who has already shown signs of being unfaithful in her own marriage, so it's not like she would "never think of it" when it comes to trying something with your husband as well. And his being over there like that.. no matter how well intended he may be, it is sending her the wrong message. Married men just don't go hanging out at another woman's house like that.. and the same goes for married woman. When you're married, your spouse should always come before any friends you may have. It sounds like your husband needs to realise that if his friendship with that woman is causing problems in your marriage.. then he needs to put an end to it, and focus on his relationship with you.

You and your husband need to have some serious talks about this, and hopefully everything will work out just fine.

Answer 3

You're telling him that you don't trust him and that you don't think his vows of marriage meant nothing and can't be relied upon. I would be insulted if I were him, so yes I think you're in the wrong.

Having boundaries is a good thing. Dictating who he can associate with (without any evidence he has strayed in the past or is untrustworthy) is being controlling to an unreasonable degree.

A better way to approach it would be to tell him that this girl makes you uncomfortable and although you trust him implicitely you're worried she might be unfairly sucking him into her drama and you'd advise he stay clear of her as much as possible. That's a respectful and adult approach that tells a totally different message.

But to just demand he not be allowed to talk to someone is just going to make him (deservedly) angry and actually he'll now be *more* likely to talk to her in future, just to prove that he's an adult and won't be unfairly controlled by someone else.

P.S. I'm amazed how many women answering this question say your right and he's cheating with no evidence whatsoever, and how many of them act like it's ok for one human being to dictate what another human (who they supposedly love and trust) can and cannot do. It makes me very sad that so many would have this viewpoint... thank goodness for Steffi's answer above showing that not all women are irrational.

MAJOR EDIT: Now that more details have been shared I wish to alter my answer.

He has no business going over to her house in the middle of the night unless she is having some sort of emergency and he's the only friend she can call (in other words it might be justified once in a blue moon).

That isn't restricting who he can talk to, that is putting sensible and sane boundaries on what's acceptable in a relationship. He should respect you enough not to do that.

If he's going out often to spend the night with her that's a *WAAAY* different story than the original question implied. In that case he is demonstrating that he doesn't respect your marriage and you should stand up for yourself and demand decent behavior from him.

Rumors around the office are just that - rumors. Gossip means nothing in and of itself, but these midnight visits... bad news all over, totally different situation than what I first understood it to be.

Answer 4

I wish there was some grand answer for your question that would ease your pain. Men don't listen to women, even their wives. They have to hear things from others, preferably men. I'll give you an example. In 2004, my husband & I were forced to file bankrutpcy, but it didn't go in effective til Feb. 2005. He has been wanting a truck & wanted to re-build his credit so he decided to buy one. The car salesman got him approved. He was very pushy & wanted my husband to buy the vechile he wanted & not the truck my husband wanted. I told him he ought to skip this deal & want a little while to see what else he could do. A co-worker let him borrow a book on finances & he started to read it. The author was a man & talked about never getting or loaning money, except with properties. The next day, my husband told me that no matter what I said to him or done, he had it set in his mind that he was going to buy that truck, until he read the book. Now he is waiting. Now I am someone who loves & cares for him & would never hurt him, but he doesn't believe me. Instead, he listens to a book, written by a man he doesn't know & probably never will. Go figure!!

Answer 5

It could just be a friendship. But truthfully i don't blame him for getting angry, my husband can never tell me who i can and can't be friends with. And by telling him that he can't speak to her anymore will just cause him to begin hiding it when he does.

If you think something else is going on try and get some proof before you start thinking he is going to run off with this other woman.

As for the 3 kids to different dad's, unless you know the full story to that situation you might not want to judge. I have a cousin who had 3 kids to differents men. The first one was a druken night with an ex and she doesn't believe in abortion, the second in a stable relationship that fell through shortly after the baby was born and her third baby was born after she got married, and now she had 3 step-children. So you might not want to judge on that situation.

Answer 6

I was in this situation with my wife. You have to talk to him nicely. If you drink, get both of you a drink and ask him to sit down and talk with you. Being in a marriage you have to be able to talk to each other about anything. Make him feel comfortable in talking small talk first. In a non confrontational voice, explain to him that it makes you feel uncomfortable and if another guy would make him feel uncomfortable that you would do what was necessary to stop it. Ask him if he thinks if she would act that way if you were around, probably not. I believe that married couples should limit there friends to people who you both know and trust and if they are not a friend to both of you they should not be a friend at all.

Answer 7

Ok.. rule one is you don't ever have to trust the "friend"... You do have to trust your husband.

Do you trust your man? It really is a simple as that...

If you do trust your man, then who cares how many kids this chick has and with whom... all you are going to accomplish is making him think you do not trust him and that will offend him greatly. Which will ultimately cause you two some more problems.

If you don't trust your man anyways, then you have huge issues and it really does not matter who he is talking to.

No matter how easy someone is, they cannot talk someone into having an affair or cheating... no matter how hard they try.

Answer 8

Well, while you should be concerned, the worst thing you can do is to tell him to break off contact with her. Your husband needs for you to have faith in him and in his fidelity.
Any attempts by you to regulate who he talks to and who he doesnt will lead him to think that you dont trust him. In which case, he will be much more likely to cheat. Yes, this woman you speak of is a conniving welfare scammer and that makes it all the more important that you show your husband that you trust him because otherwise she will use your insecurities with the situation to drive a wedge between you two and get him into her bed.

Answer 9

If it does not stop it will lead to something I am sure, that is if it has not already......and he is talking to her on in front of you so that maybe you will not suspect anything. This is called playing you as the fool, in front of your face.....why doesn't she have other girls to talk to instead of a married man?.....I would just keep my eyes wide open, and if he ever says that he is going to be late.....follow him, and see exactly what he is doing, You are going to have to get really clever, and sneaky about this, and if he is not messing around with her....good, but I do think that it will eventually lead to it.....she needs to find other friends, besides a married man.

Answer 10

Well you are entitled to your thoughts and feelings about this--maybe your conversation came at a bad time or was not approached properly--but at least you said something and let him know how you feel. too bad he had such an immature, silly response. Men and women are different--as you know. Women are emotional and put different values on things--such as a hubby talking to a questionable woman---men see the boobs or the nasty girl and think about man stuff--no emotions. So when they are talking--stand real close to them--real close to her---laugh and giggle along with them---talk right to her face---really really put the girl on the defense---afterall-they are just friends--make her your friend too---just get right up next to her whenever they are together---hold on to your hubby---kiss his ears and and just hang all over him---sigh and huff like a dog in heat---that girl and he will cut it out real quick.