Blood Sun.?

Question

I glance at the rising Sun
filled with radiance and gold
I spread my wings and run
my story's way too long to be told

The softest breeze takes my face between it's hands
locks of curls pull off and race with it
it strokes me and makes me obbey without commands
as my heart eagerly dances to it

My bare feet crave for earth beneath them
and I sit onto the blades of grass
a beetle stops on my shoulder to rest, like the greenest gem
as the winds blow cool like brass

I lay there and hear a crack
oh who could it be?
before I turn around I sense a spark
a buzz in my heart, a bee

Then a warm touch lands on my neck
and burns my breast with the coldest stab
followed by a line, slithering like a snake
and a trail of fingers, as a crab

The warmest breath whispers low
'I give my heart to you'
it enters my mind just like a blow
as I say 'you know I do too'

At last I glance to see
what the mystery was
a silver heart as beatiful as sea
and see his eyes before me

Answer 1

This poem reads like Emily Dickinson forced Walt Whitman to write a poem for her. Do not be a slave to the rhyme. Do not sacrifice meaning and beautiful turns of phrase for a trite rhyme.

Try erasing every end rhyme and replacing it with the word you really mean.

Throw out the stranzas and break them into strophes much like you would with paragraphs.

Needs a new title too, one that guides us as to what this poem is about.

Answer 2

I'm not sure what the question is here since it is not stated at all, but I would guess it is what people think of your poem, or this poem?

I like it. It's a little unfocused in places, at least for me who has never read it before and doesn't know you or who the author is. At first it appears to be going toward one goal and then shifts and never really gets back to the opening again.

Still, there are some wonderful images here and I have a sense for the passion of the poem, which is good.

Answer 3

your poem is beautiful. 1st paragraph, 4 th line, "my story's way too long to be told" suggested there were some sadness in your life. There were some thing that you don't want to explain because it is too long and complicated to talk about. as you read on, the story changed from sadness to happiness. the world greet you with open arms as you stepped out in to it. at the end you met falling in love with you as you look into his eyes.

What happens to "the my story's way too long to be told"?