Why do I feel responsible for everything bad that has happened to my ex and child?

Question

I feel responsible for everything bad that has happened to my ex-husband and child. I feel that I was the bad seed in the family and because I left and divorced him, bad things have happened to him and my daughter who is 14 now has not had a good childhood.

I know that he was abusive and controlling, but I still feel responsible. Its because of me that the family did not stay together and grow and propsper. His cousins and sister's families are set and they will grow old together.

I feel that my child has been lonely and suffered because of me. I was not "there" for her like I should have been.

I feel that I do not deserve anything good because of that. I have to rebuild my life now in terms of meeting someone new, taking classes to keep busy, etc and its not easy.

I feel that if I could have done something different, the family would have stayed to together and things would be okay.

Answer 1

he abused you---he is an a@@---he's just lucky you didn't send him to prison

Answer 2

When you get the answer to that, let me know will you? Because I feel the same way. When I look at how things turned out in my own family, I blame myself. I look at other people and their kids and say, 'Why couldn't I have done whatever it is that they did, lived my life the way they did, etc., and had a better outcome?' Well, the funny thing is, I thought I was doing everything 'by the book' and it still didn't produce a good outcome. A therapist might tell you that if you look behind his cousin's and sister's families happy facades, you will see a lot of serious problems, too. I don't buy it - I think that happy family has much to celebrate but I do think that you can simply be lucky with your family, too. Consider that it is not that you were the bad seed necessarily (after all, he was controlling and abusive and so you got out so at least you had the survival instinct!) but that the odds are 50/50 for marital success in the U.S. anyway. There are some things, like dumb luck, and the odds, that are just beyond your control.
You are doing the right thing and I know it is not easy - I keep busy too and it's a great distraction to be working on something with a goal in mind. Just accept that nothing you could do would make it work unless you absorbed your husband's bad influences; some people can do that but it is difficult.
Maybe your daughter will appreciate what you gave up someday and know how that you feel it cost you dearly. Try to be accomplished and secure in your own right. Be there for her if you can when she's older. But what if she marries a man who is controlling and abusive? Can you be there for her, then? Please consider that it would be all right to 'not be there' and say, 'Sorry, honey, it is too painful to watch this and I can't support you taking this from your husband. Come and see me when you need comfort but think seriously about choices and try to make the right ones. Then I will support you!' Being there is great but sometimes you do have to walk away, as you already know.
Good luck. I certainly know the feeling; I think moms especially feel the primary responsibility and it can haunt you. Try to think of the good things your daughter has had; I'm sure there are some.

Answer 3

You do not have to stay in a abusive relationship and you shouldn't. Why though did you leave your child?
Right now you have no self-esteem and you have to fix yourself before you an worry aobut anyone else. That might sound slefish but it isn't.
The past is past, you can not change it, let it go and go forward.
Start withyourslef, finsih school if you didn't. If you did then get back in school, and find something that you enjoy doing. Look at yourslef as who you want to be not as who you were are even as who you are now. Set goals and work toward them.
As for your child, anyone can say they are sorry but showing it means alot more work, and to gain the childs trust and respect that is what you have to do.
Take it one step at a time, and don't look back. If you fall then get up and keep going.
There is nothing you can not do as long as you don't stop trying.

Answer 4

Think about it logically, should you have stayed in an abusive relationship and let your child witness dad abusing mom and then maybe grow to think it is ok. You did the right thing to get out now you need to get up and surround yourself and your daughter with possitivity at all times, empower her so she does not make the same mistake, don't you make the same mistake either.Many parent feel guilty even though they are not always the one to blame. Ask yourself this one question, would you have left your husband if he had treated you the way a good husband should treat his wife, if you answer no then you realize your ex husband did this to himself and he can't fix it till he takes responsibilty. Drop the guilt. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Answer 5

I am where you are at, I think it is common for a mom to feel the way you do and we just have to fight it everytime those feelings come up just remember why you divorced him and then take a lot of time and don't get into another relationship until you are sure you can't live without him. Just keep pushing those feelings away when they hit...it takes two people to get a divorce, maybe you filed but they have ownership in the divorce too, we wouldn't get a divorce if there was not a good reason, but sometimes we forget why we divorced as time goes by. Try to remember why. Good Luck!!

Answer 6

You have this lingering thought because you need to clean up your relatinship with your daughter, and maybe your ex, if it would help more than hurt to make contact.

You must forgive yourself for the past you cannot change, and resolve to make a future of peace - which can start now by choosing to change the present.

In the 12-step programs, the way addicts clean up theit lives is to make a list of people they have wronged, and make amends where appropriate. Sometimes all that looks like is apologizing from the heart, ask forgiveness, and going on to recreate a real relationship if they accept. You cannot change the past. But you can change the present, which will make a better future. Talk to them. If you have grown, it may take time for them to see and believe, but I bet your daughter will eventually come around. Love can bridge a lot of gaps.

Answer 7

Well one thing is you cant change the past, its done and over with, and if your ex was abusive thats not a good a environment to be in and if you stayed it would of only progressed more, the good thing it seems your trying to change your life, and hopefully rebuild a stronger relationship with your daughter..... good luck

Answer 8

What do you mean not there for her? Didn't you spend time with her at least equal to him while she was growing up? If not, if you just cut and ran than you should feel guilty. If you did spend a lot of time with her, then don't be so hard on yourself.

In any case, 14 is still young and there's still time for you to 'be there' for her. But if you haven't been in the past, don't expect her to welcome you with open arms. You'll have to earn her trust over time.

Answer 9

Drop the guilt and live for today and tomorrow. He was abusive and controlling, don't minimize that, it hurt you and created issues that you are still dealing with. However, you have to slowly start building up that relationship with your daughter; she deserves it. She deserves a real mom and you deserve the satisfaction of being a mom and all the rewards it brings.

Answer 10

Stop blaming yourself! I'm sure you did the best you could, under the circumstances. I made a million mistakes in my marriage also, and when she first left, I blamed myself for her finding another man. One day, I realized, I did the best I could. From that day, til this day, I have never blamed myself again. I SHARE the blame, but it was NOT all my fault. Accept yourself for who you are, and what you are. Your daughter will turn out a lot better than you think today. Love her, listen to her, and "be there" for her when you can. Good Luck!!

Answer 11

If I read you correctly, you abandoned your husband and child right?

If so, yes you were bad and partly to blame. However he has a larger portion of the burden to shoulder. It was his job, after you jumped ship like a rat, to create a good home and raise the child correctly.

If men can get blamed when they leave, so can a woman. Works both ways.