What If Liberals Wrote the Bill of Rights?

Question

Bill of Rights (Liberal Version)

Amendment I
There shall be no show of respect for any Christian religion, or people who believe in a Christian religion, or Christian-based holidays, and no one who professes belief in any Christian religion shall be considered fit for any government position or office. No law shall abridge the freedom of speech, or of the press, or the right of the people, peaceably or otherwise, to assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances, unless that speech, that press or those people are in support the actions of Republicans, or in condemnation of the actions of Democrats, or might be construed as giving offense to anyone.

Amendment II
The military and police being the only forces necessary to the security of the State, the right of the common people to keep and bear arms shall be removed, weighed down with restrictions and regulations until private citizens can no longer own anything that might be used as a weapon.

Amendment III
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be regarded as necessary to maintaining that peace. When at home, soldiers of any rank are to be considered disposable, interchangeable, dull-witted robots, who can be instantly trained at need, and considered dangerous, uncontrollable, dull-witted barbarians bent on murder, rapine and torture when overseas. As a group, American soldiers are to be lauded and pitied, but individually, reviled.

Amendment IV
The right of all people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against any searches and seizures shall not be violated without a court-ordered warrant, and no warrants shall issue but upon probable cause, supported by the kind of evidence of wrongdoing that could only be gathered with a warrant, and the warrant must precisely describe the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. Personal security shall be considered inviolable for American citizens, foreigners living in America, and foreigners living elsewhere.

Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital or otherwise infamous crime, because crimes are the fault of society, and not the individual. Republicans and Conservatives, on the other hand, shall be deemed guilty upon indictment by a grand jury, or even upon accusation of wrongdoing. No person shall be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb, nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, unless that person show evidence of Conservative thinking. No person shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property without due process of law, unless that person shall be unborn or mentally incapacitated, or otherwise be deemed useless to the State, or a burden. Private property shall not be taken for public use without just compensation, public use being defined as anything that might benefit the State in some way, including higher tax revenue from said property.

Amendment VI
In all prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial in the media, and later, if necessary, by jury. Guilt shall be determined by the extent of public outcry that can be created over the nature of the crime, but reduced by the level of celebrity status enjoyed by the accused. The word of anonymous witnesses and experts may be used as evidence in the media trial. If a person found guilty of a crime is able to claim disadvantaged status -- meaning non-white, non-Christian, non-male, poor or homosexual -- that person shall have the right to full and open public sympathy by celebrities and members of the media, unless that person happens to be Conservative or Republican, both of which are forbidden to members of disadvantaged groups.

Amendment VII
The right of trial by jury shall be preserved for captured opponents during time of war, who shall be accorded all the rights and benefits of American citizens in addition to the disadvantaged person status, which shall automatically be granted to all "enemies" of America.

Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, not even curtailment of any freedoms or rights whatsoever. Those held for committing a crime shall be afforded luxuries in entertainment and food to make up for the injustice of being incarcerated, as well as the right to at least one book deal.

Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, especially the unquestionable rights of abortion, tax-paid health care and gay marriage.

Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved to the Judiciary, who shall have the power to overturn decisions made by vote of the people, amend the Constitution and even change the meaning of the words written herein at will and without recourse by the people.

Answer 1

Um, dude? Liberals wrote the Bill of Rights the first time. Conservatives were too busy kissing up to King George!

Answer 2

Liberals did write the Bill of Rights! Remember that the conservatives of the time didn't even want to break away from Great Britain. They were against the Revolutionary War. It was radical liberals who initiated the war and they also were the overwhelming majority of framers of the Constitution. Also, you will find no mention of the Christian religion in the Constitution only of a Higher power. There was a reason for this. If it was up to the right-wingers we'd still be kissing the Queens butt.

Answer 3

Funny thing is Liberals did write the Bill of Rights. They were called the Founding Fathers.

Answer 4

"Amendment I
There shall be no show of respect for any Christian religion, or people who believe in a Christian religion, or Christian-based holidays, and no one who professes belief in any Christian religion shall be considered fit for any government position or office."

that was funny.

Amendment XI
Yahoo Answer is for asking questions, not shouting out opinions

Answer 5

Ummm... the Liberals DID write the Bill of Rights. They also fought the Revolution. Have you run across any history books in your attempt to write a pithy blog-style send up of Liberals?

Answer 6

Evidently you're not bright enough to realize this is an "answers forum" and not a place for you to waste time when you're off your meds and feel like going on a rant..

Answer 7

Amendment 1 would certainly be that way, although many claim to be Christians. they just want policies that dont reflect Christian values.

Answer 8

Liberals DID write the bill of rights. That's why it is the way it is, and not like your fantasy version.

Now go write the version you wish we had and post it here for us to critique. Maybe we can help you find a more appropriate country to call home.

Answer 9

Hilarious and Scary. The UN really does have a clause in Article 29 that reads much like your parody. VERY SCARY

(3) These rights and freedoms may in no case be exercised contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Nations.

Its REAL!!!!!

Answer 10

Actually, it's the Constitution as it already exists that Liberals attempt to defend from some conservatives' attempts to undermine it.