Here is my dilemma, I haven’t had my baby yet, but need some advice. My mother in law and I dont agree on most parenting subjects. With my son regardless of what I wanted, she did whatever she wanted with him, i.e. fed him foods I didnt want him to have yet, smoking around him (big no no in my book) things of that sort. When my son was a baby, they never kept him over night, they lived a quarter mile away and saw him often. Well my in laws have moved 2.5 hours away from us. They get my son at least one weekend a month and keep him for 3-4 days. Not too fond of him going that far away for that long, but they are his grandparents and I dont want to deprive either of a relationship. They didnt start keeping him overnight until he was 2. I know I do not want them to keep my newborn baby overnight. They smoke in their cars, in their house and around my son, I dont want my baby around that. What do I do? Suck it up, or stand my ground? How do I avoid it nicely? Thanks!!
2007-03-29 09:19:53 · 8 answers · asked by Jenn C 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Newborn & Baby
Thanks so much for all your input. I have tried to talk to them about the dangers of smoking around babies, but they don't listen. They say, they raised 5 kids and smoked around all them. They dont see any harm in it. I have even had her go to the doctor with me and the doctor got on to her and gave her a pamplet and she said he was a quack. I think she is the quack. My son had bad ear infections up until 7 months ago. It got to the point that if he had one more we were going to have to put tubes in his ears. I blamed it on the smoke, and they fought back of course. I really do appreciate your help. I just wanted to make sure I wasnt just being a B****. :)
2007-03-29 09:47:50 · update #1
I am in your shoes, girl. Here's the thing. Mothers and wives will always have that tug of war going on. WIth your husband, you can just deal with it. BUT with your child, it is WAR. You are the mother, don't let anyone take that away from you.
There is a reason why there is the term "maternal instinct." What mom says matters! If you are uncomfortable with something, speak up. The fight or hurt feelings or cold shoulder is worth it in the long run. I have learned with my MIL that it's best to bring things up as you go along than to wait and let it build and explode on her. It's more respectful and gains you more respect in turn.
I hope you are breastfeeding, that's a great excuse for no sleepovers. My rule is 1 year. No one else can have my baby at night, or in a car for one year.
Best of luck. Feel free to vent here.
ps---fight the smoking in the car thing to the death
2007-03-29 09:23:00 · answer #1 · answered by sushishishi 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Stand your ground. Smoking around a newborn is very dangerous. From lung infections to ear infections. And it is not ok. My hubby smokes outside and if grandparents can't respect your wishes with a two year old they are not going to do it with the baby either. I would wait till at least 1 year to allow to stay away from you for any longer than just a day.
2007-03-29 09:24:53 · answer #2 · answered by littledueceb 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Stand your ground. I wouldnt want my children around smoke either. If they want to see your new baby, they stay and visit you. I just left my 6 month old son overnight with my mom(who I am best friends with) to have a night alone with my husband and I cried myself to sleep. I am a stay at home mom and love the time I spend with him, especially feeding, bathing and night times. If you are going to breastfeed you can also use that as an excuse.... Good Luck!
2007-03-29 09:24:49 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Explain to them that you do not want them smoking in front of your children. Outside while playing is fine, but not in an enclosed environment. I wouldn't let the newborn go until at least a year old. Even then you will probably end up driving to pick him/her up in the middle of the night.
2007-03-29 09:26:30 · answer #4 · answered by Beth 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you can handle it have them come to see your son where you are at, as far as the new baby, it's yours, stand up to them. Don't be afraid, let them know the health risks of second hand smoke.LOL You aren't going to have time with the new baby to be running back and forth.
2007-03-29 09:25:39 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My in-laws live 3 hours away and I am glad. My FIL has addiction issues, with alcohol but most recently with Rx drugs he gets online. He was in a car accident and hit a mini-van while he was under the influence and almost killed himself and 3 others in the van. He came to the hospital for Madeline's delivery sober and took pills during the day and was messed up when she was born. The first time we went down there he didnt realize she was there until we pointed her out....we usually stay with them and stayed with my BIL instead. My husband and I had talked before our trip and I said flatout we would not stay there. His mom was upset but got over it. He has been "sober" for 2 or 3 months now and he and my MIL watched my daughter while we went to a wedding. There is NO way she will go to stay with them for a long weekend. I know hes sober now but I have no guarantee that he'll stay sober or my daughter wouldnt find a pill that fell under a table, etc.
I know thats a little different from the smoking issue but basically it boils down to respect....for you, your kids health, your parenting, etc. My MIL kept saying she would make him stay with other family when we came to visit(before he got sober) and DIDNT. I think she thought we would back down since it was Madelines first trip down there and stay with them and she was upset/embarrassed we didnt.
My mom and dad both smoke and neither will so much as light up around my daughter because they know I will kill them. I would still have an issue with your in-laws smoking.
You need to talk to your husband and tell him your concerns. These are your children and you as a couple are raising them, if they cant respect your wishes then they cant expect you to respect their wishes for visits. I know you dont want to deprive them of a relationship but can you justify that by them depriving them of your sons' health and you of respect for your parenting?? After my in-laws issues I will not EVER put my daughter at risk because they want a relationship. Remember, the road to their house runs BOTH ways. If they want to come spend a weekend with you and BOTH kids at your home, then you can control them smoking in the house and around your kids.
If you have already talked to her about the issue and she wont honor your wishes for 4 days....tell her she can visit at your house. bottom line. You'll have a whole other problem if your husband wont back you up.
2007-03-29 10:24:05 · answer #6 · answered by GAjen 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Personally I would stand my ground!!!!!! if they smoke around your children they could be injuring their lungs. It's called second hand smoking when you inhale someone elses' smoke from a ciggarite. Just tell them that their your children and not theirs!
2007-03-29 09:29:47 · answer #7 · answered by Steph 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Confused by why they "get your son" sounds like a custody agreement. Is it?
2007-03-29 09:30:36 · answer #8 · answered by lillilou 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
stand your ground, your babies health is more important. they sound ignorant. trust your instinct. (PERIOD)
good luck
2007-03-29 09:27:19 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋