I've been married for 20 yrs and my husband and i have been in the swinglifestyle for 3 yrs off and on. We met a local cpl whom we have been playing with for abt a year now and the friendship has grown alot, in and out of the bedroom. He and i have become pretty close and we have been meeting behind our spouses back, we either meet at his home or mine before going to work in the mornings and or i step out of my work just to meet with him. We know its wrong but its all good and we dont think about anything but us when we're together. I know its wrong, because we r cheating our partners due to the fact that we r supposed to be honest due to being in the swinglifestyle. We just cant seem to help it. Sometimes i feel like not seeing him anymore, but there is so much chemistry between us and it feels so right, i felt it right away, since before we met. His a mailman and i would see him everymorning delivering the mail to my work place before i even knew he was in the swinglifestyle. Help!
2007-03-29 07:42:33 · 17 answers · asked by txladybug_2 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think you already know what is wrong. But I'll answer your question with a suggestion.
Is it bad to be in a swinglifestyle?
What may not work for others will work for some.
I think that if that is what works for the two of you than that's great and no one else can tell you what you should do.
Let me point out that open marriage and swinging are two different things although some people may think they are the same.
Open marriage is you can have a relationship at anytime with anyone.
Swinglifestyle is you AND your partner are involved in swapping partners or the other person watches while the other two are having sex.
Falling in love with the other person is not a good thing when it comes to either lifestyle.
What I would suggest is that you and your husband meet with the couple more frequently so that you and the other guy are together more often and won't be sneaking behind the other partner's back.
The chemistry you talk of could be a combination of fantasy (since you saw the guy at your work beforehand) and lust for the guy and vice versa.
I think you might want to pause and reflect on why you are with your husband now and what that journey has been like up to now.
I don't think the other person needs to know unless you want to tell them to resolve your own guilt. Telling them will, in the end, possibly result in singlifestyle stopping; partner having an affair to get back at you; divorce; and the person not trusting you any longer.
If none of that works for you , you can always rent the movie - "Bob & Carol & Ted and Alice" which deals exactly with this issue - somewhat. Then you could have an open discussion about the swinglifestyle and set some rules amongst yourselves as to what to do and not do.
Good luck.
2007-03-29 08:15:51 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My mate and I live an alternative lifestyle as swingers. We've been active about 2 1/2yrs. I cannot say that you two weren't ready for an alternative lifestyle because after 20yrs of marriage, if you weren't ready, there's no such thing as being ready. We've never had any issue like this because even as singles, we recognized the difference between love and sex. You having sex with someone, especially as noncommital as couples swinging is, will not result in you becoming so smitten where you forget what's real. That happens through time spent getting to know the person outside of sex. Only when you confuse sex for love will you get caught up falling in love, when the relationship is only sexual.
You never really said, if you still loved your husband. That makes a huge difference. I hope that you discussed the possibilities BEFORE actually participating in any intimate activities. If so, it shouldn't be all that difficult to talk to your husband right now. You both should've been aware that there could come a time when one or both of you could get caught up and have to address some things. Although your husband may be hurt by your deception, its' not as if he shouldn't have suspected that what is happening, could happen.
In order to live an alternative lifestyle, the absolute must-have in your relationship is open and honest communication. Once its been established that you can share your feelings with your husband, without ridicule or argument from him, you set the stage to successfully pull off being swingers. With open communication, there is no topic or situation that you two can't discuss.
To be honest, this mailman guy should've never been in the equation. You lusting after him before including in him and his woman, is an indication that he can't be down, ESPECIALLY if your husband was unaware of your attraction to him. Living an alternative lifestyle is suppose to be about you and your husband taking your sex life to the next level. Its not about you individually.. it's not about him.. it's not about the couples on the side. You broke the number on rule to swinging- which is absolute honesty. Nothing just happens, especially not sex. Either the guy suggested to you that you meet in secret or you suggested it to him; regardless, it was intentional. Anytime you bring deceit into the picture, you ruin the whole tone of things. When you notice that you start thinking about this person more often than you should, that should tell you that you can't continue seeing him. You were asking for trouble the moment you entered into a conversation about swinging, with this guy.
Another thing.. didn't say that there was another woman involved?? Do you know that the guy you're smitten with, is equally as smitten with you? Are either one of you willing to leave your spouses for each other? If not, move on. To play it safe, you can end the relationship and then tell your husband. It's not the right but it is a way, nonetheless. Either way you're still being deceitful but you can at least show that you're dedicated to your marriage and is taking steps to set things right by ending the relationship. If you wanna continue as a swinger, it may play in your favor that you end the relationship before your husband tells you that its best. If you wait until then, he may think you're insincere and not trust you. Without trust, you have no marriage.
2007-03-29 08:33:22 · answer #2 · answered by Honey 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
The Swing Life Style
2017-01-17 20:16:53 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although this lifestyle is probably almost evey male's fantasy I can't see how any relationship can survive when one of the most intimate and personal acts that you can share with another person is bastardized by engaging in sex with another person/couple/group.
Understand that I am not condemning your lifestyle. I just don't see how people think they won't become emotionally attached somewhere along the lines. Course recently there was a couple involved in a 4 some around here. The wife and the other female took off on a junket with one of the men, leaving the other one out of the scenario. this resulted in the one left out strangling his wife, cutting her head off in the bathtub with a chainsaw and then calling the other female and saying he needed to see her. She suspected something was afoot because he wouldn't bring the wife to the phone. While enroute to see the other women he's intercepted by the police and a pursuit starts. He smashes his car and shoots himself with a pistol he was carrying. In addition he had the head of the wife in a plastic WalMart bag with him in the car. No doubt to show the other female before he smoked her too.
So...be careful. never know just how people deal with their emotions. Good luck...seriously.
2007-03-29 08:16:31 · answer #4 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
That's why I could never be a swinger. I mean, people say its just sex but what if you really like the people you are sleeping with? Somewhere you have to draw a line and say you are committed and refuse to go any further no matter what the temptation is. Soooo, I guess my advice is to choose and stand by your choice!!
2007-03-29 08:11:37 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
So what does being in the swinglifestyle have to do with this? You began cheating on your husband when you started sneaking around and violated all trust. Hopefully your husband will find out, wise up and divorce you.
2007-03-29 07:59:09 · answer #6 · answered by javelin 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Swinging / Swapping / Open Marriages usually end in divorce.
The only safe multi-partner sex is a 3some with the wife always
inviting the other woman and man never contacting other woman outside the home....
Never ever have another man or couple in your bed...
I note this advice has certainly proved true in your case...
You should divorce & break up with everyone..
Start over with lessons learned...
2007-03-29 07:52:06 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 3⤋
Your story is the poster story for why couples shouldn't engage in the swinging lifestyle. Now you have a huge mess on your hands. You have to make a choice. Leave your spouses and be together and stop swinging. Or stay with your husband and stop swinging.
2007-03-29 07:49:35 · answer #8 · answered by ? 6 · 5⤊ 3⤋
Swinging has nothing to do with it. Why keep it a secret from your husband. Be honest.
2007-03-29 08:01:56 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
once in the life it is hard to get out of, he will use you and then move on to someone else, best to continue with the sharing at least the spouses will get some
2007-03-29 07:48:34 · answer #10 · answered by rich2481 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋