Very long relationship question...PLEASE READ. I am desperate!!!!! Thanks.?

Question

I asked this a minute ago in another catagory but I need more answers...I don't think I can let him go....Ok..I'm 29 my boyfriend of one year is 37. Lets go back to the beginning, we work together, known each other for years but were never even really friends. We just struck up a conversation one day. We talked/dated for a month and then I found out that he was seeing this other girl at work, she noticed he and I went out to lunch one day and she came up to him and ask him something in front of me knowing if would cause concern, I asked him about it and finally he admitted they were together but she was married and he knew it wasn't going anywhere and he blew her off since he and I started talking. He said he never fully ended it but thought she would get the point if he was never available. Ok...after a lot of talk we got passed this and I decided to trust him and move on. She has too, I haven't had any more problems with her.

. Now here we are 11 months later, living together, joint bank account and furniture and car together. Fast I know but I truly love him.
And I believe he does to. Sometimes I get a little insecure because of what happened but I try not to dwell on it. Today..OMG I am still in tears now and I don’t know what to do or what to believe. I went over to his desk today to ask him something, in conversation an Instant Message popped up from her “sow wen” that’s what it said, I said to him, what the hell? He said I don’t know wrong person I guess. He locked his PC and got up and walked away, I was bothered, I followed him and ask him what was that about, claiming he didn’t know. I said ok if you don’t know then go over there, IM her back and ask what’s up, what are you talking about?

He said I don’t have to prove anything, I told you I don’t know. His boss was coming and I kind of made a scene (I was and still am horribly hurt by this) I kept asking him to go IM her or I was going to go ask her…he said go ahead. But I didn’t, this went on for a while, I kept following him asking him to do this, I even tried to log onto his computer to IM her myself but had no luck with his password. He said he was going home to pack his stuff and leave. I am crying hysterically and asking him why did he do this to me. On the way home, I jerked the wheel and almost made us wreck because I was so hurt I felt like dying, he would not talk to me.

He was pissed, starting packing his clothes at home and said he was getting out of this because I was crazy. Trying to kill us both… I said well you don’t see how bad I am hurting…why didn’t you do what I asked you to do? He says cause I don’t have to prove myself to you or anyone and I don’t need this stress at work. I am leaving. Well we came back to work together because we were just on lunch but I haven’t talk to him anymore and neither has he except he is leaving when we get off. I am so hurt. Was he talking to her? Is he cheating on me? Why did she send that to him? Oh one more thing he claims last week she sent him one saying “what are you talking about? He said “huh?” She said “sorry wrong person” This is all too fishy to me. Please help me understand what I need to do. If you want please e-mail [e-mail]. Thanks so much!!!

Answer 1

I think he should dump you. Your insane.

Answer 2

Neither you nor he can read the other person's mind and neither can we. It's not important anyway as we are not capable of controlling other people's thoughts or behaviors.

We are capable of controlling our behavior, however. I can understand why your bf became so upset as this argument occurred in a work setting and he was made to look like an idiot in front of his boss. Not a wise choice on your part but a good learning experience. Next time leave it until you get home.

He gave you an answer when you asked and you didn't believe him even though there have been no problems with this woman for 11 months. Why were you not able to accept his answer?

I think that you have learned a lot from this experience. The only suggestion I would make to you is do not combine finances or debt unless you are married. If you feel that strongly about someone then marry them, otherwise, keep separate residences. Now, you will have to take him to court civilly if he sticks you with bills, takes off with items paid for together without paying you for your half, etc. Not worth it.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Ok, well starting a relationship off on such a weird somewhat shady situation is not wise, and also, do NOT get joint bank accounts, etc, until you are MARRIED! It is a bad road to go, when you break up it is all kinds of messy and in court it is hard to prove what belongs to who since you are not in a marriage. To go on, I understand why you would be somewhat suspicious since what happened when you first got together, and you did not go about it the right way, but it sounds like from him locking his computer so you couldn't go on, he was hiding something. You went a little overboard with the whole driving thing, and jealousy like that can scare even the most trusting reasonable guy, and is like kryptonite to a shady fella, which your boyfriend sounds like. Best advice I can give you now is, give him time and space!!!! If you keep pushing him on the issue it will get worse and you will drive him farther away. Give it a couple days, say nothing, and if you really feel he is someone you want to be with, apoligize for being somewhat 'psycho' and talk very calmly about the situation. Hope that helps.

Answer 4

Hi there,

I read your situation. I am at work too, so I cannot write a very long reply. I am a clinical social worker and I used to be a marriage and familiy therapist. I will say this to you--you are very warranted to have those feelings of suspicion considering his response to you when you confronted him. In a mature, loving realationship, it is his job to reassure you and be sure that you know you are the only one for him. You certainly did the right thing in asking him what that IM was all about and he failed in giving you a valid response. Even if he weren't doing something wrong, his reaction to you was very innapropriate and only leads you to think the worst. Do not fault yourself here--he is making it obvious that there is something to hide and he is actually trying to put the blame back on you (taking no responsibility for HIS actions). I know you are hurting terribly and you are emotionally distraught right now, but don't doubt yourself that you confronted an obvious problem that is going on. If he is unable to discuss this with you, then you are left with no choice but to believe the worst, which is that he is being unfaithful. He has the opportunity to discuss this with you and come clean...but you should not settle for any less. Stand firm and hold your head high that the truth is owed to you--that is respectful in any relationship and he needs to give that to you. Anything less is unacceptable. Take some deep breaths, gather your strength and continue to stand strong. Regards, Hope

Answer 5

I think you're gonna have to face the facts. He is probably still in love with this woman, although she still has no plans to leave her husband. They seem to both like it just the way it is. You at one end, her husband at the other and them in the middle.

I know you don't want to face it, but he's letting you know that he'll choose her over you, when feeling the crunch of an ultimatum. You basically did that - at the office - and you got your response. He knows that you have the ability to ruin everything for them, because you knew of the affair then, and from what I gather now, so you are a threat.

I don't blame you for reacting that way at work. He's been crossing the line, pretending to live a normal life with you and nothing has changed between him and her. He has been using you, for as long as you have been able to remain silent, but now that you are speaking up, you have become dispensible.

I know you feel terrible, but do you really want to stay with someone for whom you play second string? He may have cared about you, but not enough to give her up, and now he's showing you, by how easily he can pack up his things and leave, that he has nothing to lose (concerning you) and everything to lose concerning her!

Please let him go! For your own peace of mind and sanity. Can't you see that if he truly cared about you, he would come clean and make the decision to let her go? That's not the decision he is making.

So - you made a scene and you were so distressed that you swerved the car. Forgive yourself for that. Take your power back. Don't try to save something that - in all honesty - never existed. Save yourself!

Answer 6

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but if he really loved you they way you think he does, he would prove to you whatever you wanted proved. Men are not difficult creatures. They are dumb and illogical but not difficult. If when you get home he still doesn't want to prove it to you...let him go! Let him leave for a night or so and calm your self as much as possible and try to converse with him in a calm way. Ask pointed questions that cannot be dodged and don't give up until you get the real answer. This really hurts i can tell! Just remember that a year ago you were still an amazing person without him in your life. Just remember that when you start to think that you cannot survive without him. I hope you have many people in your life to lean on...and please lean on them. You will be okay and i hope things work out.

Answer 7

I have to agree with some of the comments made by others the main one is.. it started while he was seeing a married women. Yes it was purely sex only and someone to talk too. Yet he started seeing YOU while still being involved with her.

The comment he made about ending the relationship with her wasn't a very sound one. But then again working together you REALLY need to watch what is said and done. Easy to loose a job over this. And of course he didn't fully explain himself properly. Therefore has left a negative thought in your head.

Now he is receiving messages from her again. You had seen it and asked point blank what it was all about. He became defencive immediately. There are two ways to take it.. Because it was at work a sceen needs to be avoided. There for he said a very quick and foolish thing by saying he doesnt need to explain himself. The other way is she is pushing herself on him again to start it up and he is just trying not to have HER make a sceen. Im not there so I dont know excatly who is who.

Now you do need to calm down.. I know its hard because your extremly upset by what you saw. Him wanting to move out over it seems a bit extreme. Very extreme.

Try to talk to him today AFTER WORK at home.. Ask him flat out why he doesnt need to explain it!!!!!!!!!!!....If he doesnt explain tell him how you feel anyways get some of it out before he leaves...... If he wont talk then Let him go for the time being... both of you need some space... Just keep your distance from him at work if possible. Dont message, call or even look at him, unless its work related. I would keep an eye on the ladies at work to see if he is acting different to them. There are other ways to find out without having to go threw him to get answers.

It is very possible some kind of rekindle is coming into place.. but I truly dont think so.. Its work and like I said have to watch what you do and say..... period....

Good luck in a couple of days you two will be able to talk a bit more calmly and see what happends from there.

Answer 8

oK.... The whole jerking the wheel thing is truly psycho, and you should seek help for that. However, you should have asked her about it. If you have no other cause to freak out over all this, then you shouldnt have. Next time you meet a guy, find out FIRST if he has ever cheated on anyone or if he has ever left someone for someone else... if he says yes... DONT DATE HIM...He could or would possibly do this to you someday, and by what you've described, you cant tolerate the being unsure part. You need to give him a breather, let him move out, and give him some time. Obviously the more you pick at this, the worse you are making it.

Answer 9

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I hope you realize that this pain will heal with time even though you think at this moment it never will. That said, you should ask yourself what it is about the guy that you are attracted to or why you think you love him. I bet for every good point you will think of 2 bad ones. A true relationship requires committment on both sides, not one. Learn to trust your gut. Even if you don't want to face reality, your instincts are your best friend often in the case of love. This relationship is distructive and your boyfriend needs to grow up. He is very selfish. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in misery? Let him go dear. He was a cheater when you met him and he co ntinues to be so now. You know you deserve better than a cheater. There is a better day ahead for you. As for your acting out, it wouldn't hurt to see a counselor to find out why you react so demonstratively. Good luck .

Answer 10

Yeah, he's probably cheating on you, or for that matter, never stopped with that other girl and in effect was cheating on her with you. I don't think that he'll ever change, but the first thing I'd do is stop your checks from going into the joint account. Set up your own account with your own name on it. Either get your name off the present account or close it or contact the bank and see what your options are there, cause he can really screw you over financially as well as your credit rating if he were to mess up an account with both your names on it. I'd also tell him that it is over. The sooner you realize it and start making the right decisions for yourself, the better.

Answer 11

I am not sure what the problem is really.

Aside from the obvious complications that might arise and why people who work together should not date.

What is your companies policy on this?

You do however have to look at your relationship and question if a man who has an affair with a married woman is someone who interested you.

What is to stop him from doing this to you if you end up committing?

A quick visit to a relationship counselor might be in order as it seems you have some unresolved trust issues to deal with.

You could go solo or suggest he come along.

Either way you should go.