VERY VERY LONG (CRISIS) VERY UpSET!!!!!?

Question

My name is Sam and I’m a senior in high school. I apologize if this is going to be VERY VERY VERY LONG but right now I just am breaking down inside. I’ve been crying and very upset. I really NEED to just let this out and I feel like I cannot talk about it to people I know they would not understand. Maybe you guys won’t either. If you do take the time to read this entire thing I want to thank-you from the bottom of my heart for just reading it and if you do take the time to give me advice again I want to thank-you even more. I apologize for the length of this as I’ve stated once already I’m just VERY upset to the point where I’m just breaking down. I really need to let this all out I really just need to say how I feel right now and tell MY STORY this is MY STORY of my life. I can’t take it anymore so PLEASE help me that’s all I ask even one person’s response would help <3Sammy

So this is my story and I will start from the beginning. I was born 3 months premature when my mother was only 6 months pregnant. I had a brother but he died before I was born. After I was born I got into a really bad car accident at the age of 1 my grandfather was driving. I was given only a 30% chance of survival. I now have a scar on the inside of my eye and a really big scar down half my knee. I had to go to 8 different hospital’s before I actually had surgery done to my knee. Many hospitals said I was either A. going to loose to much blood or B. they would have to amputate my leg. Reluctantly I was able to have surgery but I am now left with a scar two scars for the rest of my life.

When I started school my brain I guess did not “fully” develop like most children’s did. I was put into special education kindergarten class and then able to go into regular classes in 1st – 3rd grade. In third grade I can remember getting into a fight with this girl. I guess I had pushed her down the slide. This is where all of my problems had begun…

4th & 5th grade – the worst years of my life.
I live in a BIG CITY and we have a separate school for 4th and 5th graders. There were 3 different elementary schools that transfer there students over to this 4th and 5th grade school my school was one of them. When I transferred into the class in 4th grade the students were very unfriendly. They would not let me sit with them at lunch because many of the students came from “southeastern elementary school” which was in the south side of the city while I came from “northeastern elementary school.” They would leave me out of things and I would come home every day crying. My mother went and they switched me to a different class one of the worst decisions of my entire life. I had gotten invited to this girl’s birthday party. At that time I was deathly afraid of balloons popping and everyone was popping balloons.

I started crying and said I wanted to go home. The girl accused me of ruining her party. After that all the girls would gang up on me so badly. My mother had to come on trips with our class because none of the kids wanted me in there groups for field trips so my mother would have to take me separate. At the end of the year we had a party in which my entire class ganged up on me and started throwing water balloons at me. I would come home EVERY SINGLE DAY crying sometimes I wouldn’t even come home for hours I’d be crying so much! In 5th grade things were the same exact way nothing changed. I had a teacher who made an announcement to the class and I still remember it to this day “boys and girls I know you don’t like Sam and neither do I but we do have to deal with her and be nice!” It brought tears to my eyes!

! She would exclude me from EVERYTHING! We had little groups of desks and there would be 4 ppl in each group and there was one extra person me..and she would put me literally by myself I was never in a group of 4 desks I was always in a desk by myself by the window. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was in 4th grade but later taken off it in 6th grade.

Junior high
Junior came around and 6th grade I had made many friends. I went to this girl’s party and I had friends. Our junior high school was REALLY BIG it held about 1,000 kids we had 3 junior high schools though each with about 1,000 kids – 2,000 kids. In 7th grade many girls had started to develop breasts. I myself had very little and boys would make fun of me constantly.

I remember I really liked a boy a lot and he went up in front of our entire class and announced how he would never date someone as ugly as me and that my mother had had sex with a monkey and that’s how I was born. No guy would come near me. That was also the year that I had found out I would have to go in for more surgery! Apparently the accident I had gotten into when I was little had damaged my back and I had to have spinal surgery. I remember the day before I left to go in for surgery two girls came up to me and said they had hoped that I would die and never come back to this town or school. It brought tears to my eyes. 8th grade was no different then 7th. I lost my one best friend that I had at the time. Her name was Kristin. She was friends with another girl who hated me and demanded Kristin not to ever hang around with me and got many many people to gang up against me. I became violent and started hitting people and fighting back at them.

High School
My freshman year of high school was one of the best years of my life. I had met my first boyfriend whom I dated throughout my freshman year and into my sophomore year. His name was Andy. He was so nice so handsome and so great! I had then also met my best friend Mike who is now a junior in college and was a senior in high school when I met him. I had friends though few I finally felt like I belonged.

My sophomore year was the biggest disaster of my life. My mother passed away the beginning of my sophomore year and I was extremely depressed. I felt so alone I had no friends AT ALL to talk to. Every single one of my classes kids ignored me. I was taking a chemistry class and the teacher had a talk with the principal. He wanted to get me switched into another period that he offered the class because he could see how upset I was. He told the principal that I did NOTHING wrong and he could not understand why students were treating me the way they were. My boyfriend had broken up with me as well that year and with my mother’s death, having no friends, and having no boyfriend I attempted suicide 17 different times. At one point I almost landed myself in the hospital.

Junior year was A LOT better for me. I met my current boyfriend of almost 2 years. I was so happy. I loved my classes I loved everything about my junior year. The end of my junior year though I did end up in a fight with a girl. I still couldn’t understand why people disliked me. I really don’t think I’m a mean person at all. But junior year was great the best year of my life!!

So now I’m a senior and I feel VERY strange. I’m not doing well in school. I’ve never struggled so much in my entire life! I’m not passing my math class though I’ve always struggled in math I’ve never not passed anything. I got into college which is a good thing but I’m so worried. This year I realized that all the friends I DID make in college were not very real to me. My two best friends went behind my back for prom purchased tickets, a limo, and got a beach house and the day before tickets stopped selling which was the day I was supposed to purchase tickets they told me not to buy any because I was not invited to sit with them.

My other best friend would not invite me to any parties or anything else of hers because she was afraid other people would not show up to her party if I came. She told me that right to my face. My other friend and her boyfriend decided to call me up and tell me that I should yet again go kill myself….sometimes I feel like maybe this is the best option at this point. I’ve been smoking pot something I’ve never done before this year. I’m very unhappy with my senior year and the fact that the friends I thought I had are not really my “friends” My boyfriend has threatened to break up with me because he says that I’ve been acting different.

I’m always crying always upset always putting myself down. I always feel like my boyfriend is going to dump me…I always feel like people are talking bad about me. I always feel like everyone hates me but yet I trust people way to easily. If that makes any sense at all! I don't know why i feel the way i do. My step-mother thinks i have ADD again and wants to take me back to the doctor. I don't feel that's the problem though. I get so frustrated when everyone else understands things while me i don't always get things. It takes me A LOT longer to learn things then everyone else and many of times i don't grasp things as easily as everyone else. Sometimes I'm really happy and other times i'm really sad! I am always putting myself down. I've been talking to people who are going to the same college as me next year and they all seem amainzg though again I'm scared they may not like me. That's my biggest fear!

MY QUESTION IS

could the reason i've been doing so poorly in school be because i've been so miserable?

when i'm not in school i ALWAYS have a smile on my face and 90% of the time I'm really happy!!

could I have depression??
or could it just be the way i've been treated all these years that have made me act the way i do now??

PLEASE HELP!

Answer 1

It will get better. High School was a pain for me, too. I think on some level High School can affect anyone. Most of the time, friends you make in high school are just that, friends in high school. In five years, you will be living your own life, and not even have contact with the people you knew in high school. You will go to college, and trust me, it will be a completely different experience. No one can judge you there bc they do not know you. I would come home crying sometimes to my mom, too, bc I just transferred to high school in my 9th grade year and thought for sure it was going to be all downhill. In college, people do not know who you are, so it is like you are starting all over again. If you see someone from your high school in college, it will not matter, simply pass them right by. Do not try to commit suicide, it is not worth it. There are people out there that care about you. Whether they be people you know, or total strangers on Yahoo! Answers. If you think that you may have depression go see your family doctor. You have to talk to someone besides people on the internet. Just breathe...

Answer 2

Dear Sam, I am not sure what your question is or maybe you didn't have one but just needed to vent your feelings. I don't have any miracle answers for you and I don't really feel qualified to even give you any ideas as to what you can do. I am just so sorry that life dealt you a hard hand to play and that people can be so cruel. You spell and type very well so you are an intelligent person and you have learned well. I have been in this world for 60 years and I can tell you this; You can't do anything about the past. We learn and move on. Even thinking about the past is a waste of time because it is over and we can't go back. And thank God for that right? We can only plan and hope for the future. The only thing that we have any control over is the now. The present. We can only do the best we can do from day to day. If we have one or two people in our lives that truely love us for ourselves and we can trust and love them back then we are fortunate indeed. Not everyone is going to like us or understand us. As you mature you will realize that you don't need the approval of who you are by anyone other than yourself. If you like yourself and are happy with the person you are then you are doing very well. If you don't like who you are then you can make some changes. Your physical form is just the outside package. It's what's on the inside that counts. You sound like a very sweet and thoughtful person. You have had a lot to contend with. Have you ever noticed that movie stars are not always beautiful people? For example Jaquine Phoneix has a hair lip and a little deformity in his shoulder. This has not stopped him from being a leading man in movies and was nominated for an Oscar for his performance in Walk the Line. Diane Lane has a scar above her eye yet she is still a pretty woman. Movie stars use their flaws to their advantage. Not a bad idea for everyone to follow. Everyone has at least one physical attribute that stands out and is truely beautiful. Maybe it is great hair or skin or eyes or their smile. You have this too. Whatever it is that you like about yourself, make that the thing that people notice first. If it is beautiful hair, make your hair even more beautiful by keeping it clean and shinny and a great hair cut. If it is your eyes, use a little eye makeup to flater your eyes even more. If you are afraid of makeup, go to a makeup artist and ask her to make your eyes stand out even more. Then learn how to do that makeup. If you have a scar on your leg, you can wear cute jeans, slacks or a long skirt. I have no scars on my legs but have always worn long skirts cause I like them. Sometimes we feel that the world is being so unfair and that's OK but then we have to count our blessings and work with what we have. Please, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. Trust me when I say, it will get better. You have already been through the worst part. Childhood is the hardest thing to endure. God bless and good luck.

Answer 3

Sam, Don't give up. College is coming soon and you will see that by then most of these ignorant, cold hearted KIDS will have matured a bit and you won't see this kind of treatment. You've made it this far so you are obviously a strong person and most people would be honored to know you. You are not alone in the way you were treated, as I have heard this before. You need to take a "what-ever" attitidude with people like this and you will see that they will give up knowing it doesn't bother you. You will find your true friends once you graduate high school and hopefully go to college. Never look back as you can't change the past. But you can look forward to the future. I admire your guts and wish I had more like you do. You are truly special.

Answer 4

Honey, you are feeling very insecure at this time. Believe me, things will get better. Children often are very cruel and that is sad, but you need to move on a find a friend that is reasonable and sensible. Sure you have been traumatized and had a lot of bad things happen, but life won't always be this way. Try to look in the mirror at yourself and see all the good and wonderful things about yourself.
You have made the best choice in your life by admitting how you feel and you don't want to take your life. You need love and caring and always remember the I love you and God loves you very much. Try to study harder and pass all of your classes. When you are out of school, you be in a different world because most adults are caring and kind. Good luck and God Bless YOU.
If these feelings continue, please go to your Doctor and tell him/her how you feel. There are many things that can be done. You may contact me if I can be of further help. I am a Mom of 4 adult children.

Answer 5

Wow. You have had a very emotional rough road since birth. My heart goes out to you. I don't understand why the school board would allow such behaviour, especially from a certain teacher. Children can be very cruel to anyone who is even a bit different. I wish I was there to be your friend, and help you out somehow. I can't stand someone who would go out of their way to make some one miserable. I understand your upset and on the verge of a breakdown. You are almost finished with your education now. You have survived all this torment so far. Now is not the time to give up. When you are in the adult world, away from the school-type atmosphere, you will begin to notice a change in things. You will find that alot of people, who have matured, will have compassion for someone like you. They are not so apt to judge you because of your looks. Please hang in there. Don't give up. Things will improve for you very soon. Maybe get involved with the church. I am sure there you will find nice, decent people there. I hope I have helped you feel a little better. You will be in my prayers, and just remember that I am pulling for you......

Answer 6

You need more help than you will find here on Answers. It sounds like you have had it hard for most of your life but one thing you must remember is that there was a reason those 17 times you tried to kill yourself didn't work. There is something more amazing planned for you.

I personally suggest you stop smoking pot. If your boyfriend who you like very much sees and doesn't like the change it is causing in you then that should tell you it is not helping with anything. Maybe try going to a doctor and talking to them about anti-depressants.

Teens, children and such can be very mean but one way to beat them at their own game is to stay positive about who you are and don't let them get the best of you. Joke back with them in a nice way showing them that they aren't going to get to you. DO something more with your free time like volunteering at a shelter or habitat for humanity. Keep positive nice people around you. I promise you I never hang out with my friends from Highschool. We all just moved away and fell apart. You will more than likely make better friends in college. There is a better diversity of people there and social groups.

You really need to concentrate on your studies this year. It will make a difference your first year of college. Ask for extra help or a tutor for your math class.

There is no reason to give up. It would be a selfish act. There are so many people in this country that are going through the same things you are. Why not be motivating to them too and get past this? You want to fight for your right to live and be who you are right?

Answer 7

Let me just say, you have to stop worrying for things that might not happen. You had a rough childhood and teenage years, and believe me it's just about all of us. Teenagers are the meanest people on this earth. Stop focusing on what is wrong and start focusing on what is right. Obviously you haven't made the best choices in friends, but I think that you are too eigger to make friends and it shows. Why do you hate yourself so much, and why do you doubt yourself so much. So you don't get things as fast as anybody else. Well you'll just have to work harder at it. Life doesn't always work the way we want to. Fear is a very bad thing, because it drives people away from you, so does negativity. You might have scars, but you have a brain, you are able to walk, talk and hear, etc. Just look around you. Look at the people that would rather have a scar or two and be able to go to school, to walk . I think, ( I dont want to be mean here ) I think that all those things are excuses. Believe in yourself. If your boyfriend leaves you, there's a lot more guys in this world, If you fail one test, take it again. Just be yourself and believe in yourself. And think about this.
People can't do to us, what we don't allow them to do to us.
So ask yourself, what it is that you are willing to do to have the life you want. Friends are a good thing, but don't jump, just because the high class ( or so they think ) tell you to jump. A lot of people have a very good life, without having been to the most popular parties, with supposedely the most popular kids...So forget about what people think, because I know one thing for sure, YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO PLEASE EVERYBODY AT THE SAME TIME.
Someone will always be mad at you, or not like you, or the clothes you wear. It doesn't matter, what matters, is that YOU LIKE YOU. What other people think...Oh well..
So be happy with yourself first and then you will attract the people you want for friends.
The best of luck in your quest and keep the faith...
Sometimes God doesn't always give us what we want at the time, but later in life you realize that Thank God he didn't...
Take it from someone who knows... :-)

Answer 8

Wow, that sounds like such a difficult life to live, I'm glad you're still here, the loss of a life is terrible. Your teacher who said she didn't like you, sounds ignorant and stupid. It's really unfortunate that you were in a crash, and that seems to have affected your life a lot. The 'friends' you had, aren't worth your tears, there are a lot of lovely people out there, just keep looking, sometime soon I hope you find them. I'm glad that you've managed to stay with your boyfriend for so long, maybe you need to take a break, or let him know what's going through your head at the moment. Hang in there, try and meet some new people who care about you, and will stick by you. It'll take time, but hang on.
I hope it goes ok, my prayers are with you. (Not sure whether you are, but I'm a christian lol)

Answer 9

You aren't the only one whose had it rough, and I suspect you know this. People, children and especially young people, can be, most cruel. Rising above adversity isn't always easy, but with a little faith in yourself and the right kind of people to befriend, you can make your way through random acts of kindness. Maybe it would be helpful to join a church group or something you're interested in? Maybe talk to a counselor of some sort, school, church or free clinic, or an adult who seem to care about you. -but you need someone to talk to about how you're feeling and why.

Feelings are never right or wrong, just there inside us it would seem. -But how we react oftentimes has to do with behavior that we are in control of and can find a way to change/cope with.

Start by recognizing and realizing, you aren't the first person to feel so lonely and unhappy in your given situation, and try to examine what you can do to take the first step into changing your own life.

You are older now, and seemingly wiser from all this - what have you learned of value? How to be a friend? Kindness? Compassion for others? Truthfulness in a honest, open way without attacking back? Think about it dear, very seriously...very deeply and introspectively...

Reach out to someone less fortunate than you...you'll be glad you did, it will be a small step into helping you feel better/be better.

Goodluck...my thoughts and prayers are with you...you can do this.

Sincerely,

Grace

Answer 10

Hon, I am sorry for the way some a s s h o l e s act.. What you have been through is horrible, but it is as real to you as it is to others it happens to.

My motto - Have a F u ck it attitude....I am just a straight ***** at times so people know there is a fine line. People respect that when you let them know from the door you do not like certain ****. I have a great group of friends and get along with alot of people for the mostpart, but I do not let my guard down for someone to get off on. People are going to keep doing these nasty things it if they see it is bothering you..It is like they get off on it or something... YOU DO NOT NEED PEOPLE LIKE THAT. Definetely go to a counselor to work out some of the feelings you are having, maybe not having your mom or that stable person to talk to is making matters worse and confusing your head more. What ever you do, NONE of these negative jerk offs are worth trying to kill yourself over. You are strong -if you weren't you would not have made it this far!!
Take care !!!