does anyone else find it disturbing that some people don't think a wife can decline to have sex w/her husband?

Question

i asked a question involving a single incident that had extenuating circumstances where the wife did not immediately want to have sex (middle of the night, having a nightmare) but the husband, whether or not he heard her protests (he may have been sleeping), continued without her consent.

i got some fairly disturbing answers....
why do people think that a wife cannot decline sex w/ her husband? doesn't this imply that she is property & must bend to his will, regardless of of her wishes or emotional well-being? what do you think of these attitudes & responses?
[quotes to be added]

(please be nice! thanks)

here are some of the disturbing responses... (the majority were sympathetic & kind, recognizing the issue for what it was--which wasn't even called rape, btw.)

"we men aren't that smart.....we need the "rewards" of sex to keep us around and to keep being productive...."

"Get over it... Forget about it... "

"3 1/2 months [married] and you aint puttin out.....I would have divorced you already!!! Or at least got myself a nice young piece on the side. "

"give him sex "

"Not only should you never turn down sex with your husband (even if you don't want to have it), but isn't the fact that he wants you enough to just make him happy? So what if he was awake or not, he isn't the one with a problem it's you. Why don't you want to have sex with your husband? The fact that you are having some small problems is a really poor excuse for turning him down. He is the one who needs to rethink being married to you. "

"you can not be raped by your husband"

yes, i'm 99% positive that it is illegal in all of the USA, which is where i live.

laelanure- what *would* nationality have to do with it?

saying no was mainly due to the fact that the wife was having a nightmare about a past trauma & the groping & whatnot got somewhat mixed in with the bad dream and was a bit disoriented.

i have a few things to clarify...

1) the wife regularly "gives it up" several times a week, she says no rarely & only for good reason (physical or emotional, like in this scenario where reliving a nightmare didn't mesh with being immediately intimate with her husband)

2) expecting a husband to not be upset & expecting a husband to not ignore her protests are COMPLETELY different! the latter was the expectation, not the former.

and some of these answers lead me to believe that there are men who, if denied sex once, will go out & cheat!

and some men wonder where people get the idea that all men think about is sex, and that they're all cheating dogs! look to the other men for that explanation!

[not saying that i think that all men are, but obviously, SOME are]

Answer 1

The last state to make spousal rape a crime was North Carolina-they just made it a crime in 1993...and until 1970, most states did not consider spousal rape a crime. I found out about the spousal rape issue in the 1980's in NC, when a woman who was separated from her husband was raped by him, but since it wasn't illegal, she couldn't prosecute.

To add more insanity to the issue, since a woman in NC who wanted to divorce her husband had to remain physically separate from her husband for a year (she had to live separately, and couldn't have sex with her husband), even if she had non-consensual sex, was RAPED by her husband, the year separation had to start over...so each time the separation date got close, the husband could rape his wife and delay the divorce, if anyone complained about the rape...so this encouraged battered women being raped by their husbands to keep their mouths shut so they could finally divorce the guy...and she couldn't charge the guy with rape anyway!

The rape laws here are still incredibly stupid...since no one wants to deal with them, its difficult to prosecute rapes that aren't the "usual" kind, such as sodomy, oral rape, using objects, etc since the rape laws are so "traditional" in their definitions. Some things haven't changed as much as you'd think...

Answer 2

From what I read, I understand there was a sexual trauma before the marriage that would be defined as rape.
Now, in the marriage bed, the woman experiences a similar trauma involving unwanted sex.

First, to answer your question directly: a wife has a right to decline sex just as husband has the same right. Marriage is all about compromise. In a loving relationship the partners should be compassionate to each other and accept occasional rejection of sex without taking it personally. If one partner continues to reject sex over the long term , that would indicate a problem in the individual or the relationship.

Now, I sense an unresolved issue in the woman regarding the sexual trauma she experienced prior to marriage. I feel the husband should be made aware of the incident, if he isn't already. His understanding of her trauma is critical to the success of their realtionship, so that when the woman says no, he respects her decision. The couple may benefit from couples counseling, since it is an issue of intimacy.

In any case, the woman needs to resolve her feelings about what she experienced in order to have a healthy relationship with her husband. Again, professional counseling would be of great benefit to her.

Answer 3

okay. you showed all those responses but not the question you asked, word for word.

rape is rape. that is of course, ridiculous, immoral, and rightly shunned upon.

however, in marriage there is give and take. there is also compromise. personally, when he's turned on and wants some, i eventually come around and want it to. if i'm just flat out not in the mood i'll explain to him why, and whats bothering me and after lots of talking and honesty, i feel relieved and want it then. so . . just let yourself go, relax and sex it up. becase life is too short and your man loves you and wants you. imagine it in the vice versa, if you wanted him and he declined so often, yet would not elaborate as to why . . imagine he wouldn't allow you to turn him on as well and stubbornly refused it. would you not feel frustrated? i think you two should talk it out.

your own specific issue cannot be assumed to be the same for the sexes as a whole. not all men are like that, not all women are like that. it varies and with each relationship there are always things to learn and improve upon.

Answer 4

I'm a guy and I find this very distrubing.

However as one guy who make a comment about refusing to put up for weeks, months or years. I gotta to agree with him.

However I wouldn't cheat on her, I would just divcorce. I'm not gonna to play that game. Don't get me wrong, I can put up with it for weeks or even a couple months, but if it just start get to point where it never really happen. Then it mean something is just totally wrong in relationship and it should be end on the spot so no one get hurt in longer run.

Answer 5

It maters if persons are religious or not. Some religions say a man or woman cannot deny each other sex unless they are ill, menstruating, or in the last stages of pregnancy. This is true for the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim faiths. I do not know about the others.
But we all have freedom of choice regardless.
To be woken up in the middle of the night, out of a good dream, I would be upset. I would tell him to take care of himself. No one should be ever forced into having sex married or unmarried. I surly would not want to have sex if forced. I would clam up. I surly would be dry as a bone. Been there, done that. Body would not produce any lube, nor would it open up. Shut tight. So if a guy, spouse, or whom ever does try. Nothing is going to happen here.
I know my body, but if I am willing, and it is gental and loving, my body is open and very moist.
A person should know their partner and their body.

Answer 6

I dream of having sex ... but in dreaming I am trying to learn how to use this powerful desire (& hopefully future act) in good ways instead of hurtful ways.

So, I've found this book, "Good News About Sex and Marriage" and it teaches this:

" 2. Chastity within marriage.

Elements of a marriage commitment are: [1] free, [2] total, [3] faithful, and [4] open to children. These are the commitments that spouses must renew when they have sex. “Free”. Any way that a husband or wife might manipulate of coerce a spouse to have sexual relations would be a violation of the freedom in their union. A clear example would be ’marital rape.’ Yet we’re not talking only about such an extreme situation. The true freedom of love is also violated when spouses use sex as a tool in their relationship for some other end. Perhaps sex is employed to gain power or control in the relationship. Perhaps it’s offered as a “reward” for something else or withheld as a “punishment”. None of this kind of behavior says, “I want to give myself to you freely to affirm you r goodness and our marriage commitment.”

“Total” The climax of the sexual act shouts loudly and clearly, “Take me. I’m totally yours. I’m holding nothing back.” That ecstatic moment reflects the unreserved surrender of our persons and the unreserved receptivity of the unreserved surrender of our persons and the unreserved receptivity of the other. To the degree that we knowingly and intentionally reserve any part of ourselves from our spouse in the sexual act, we cannot speak of a total self-giving.

Perhaps one spouse is emotionally distant from or cold toward the other. Perhaps both spouses are deliberately refusing to be transparent and vulnerable with each other. Perhaps they’re not giving themselves to each other in climax at all. Such is the case when one or the other spouse intentionally seeks orgasm apart from the act of normal intercourse. The acts by which spouses loving prepare each other for genital intercourse (foreplay) are honorable and good. But stimulation of each other’s genitals to the point of climax apart from an act of normal intercourse is nothing other than mutual masturbation. There’s no gift of self, no marital communion taking place at all. Nor are such acts open to conception. "

Answer 7

She should have the respect for the moment as long as it is not a habit or rejection.

At the same time a woman that is really fired up, turned on and hornie, lost in the throes of a real raging uncontrollable desire can become a real beast to tame when she is determined to get it on.

Often in that state when she's so glowing Red HOT she does not want to hear NO from her mate.

GOD!!! Where is The Lady at???!!!

Edit.
MY! MY! Five thumbs down. Don't ya just love it!!
Must be the Feminists at it again.
Probably a, never been there done that thing for them again.

Men do get turned on more the women, it is a fact.

But,

Sorry, must say it again.

There are women who when really fired up, their boiler is steamed at 1200 degrees and about to blow, the pressure has initiated all the whistles, there distinct, there loud and clear. That! That! That! WOMAN! is not in the mood or pleased to hear a NO, from her mate.

Answer 8

If a man declines sex with his wife he is laughed at, much the same way if a woman rapes a man (scared stiff to perform). It is o.k. for both genders to decline legally and morally. Neither is property and both should be respected.

Answer 9

I'm going to go an a tangent, this may not even apply to anybody else, but ...

If a man tries to make sexual advances with his wife and his wife is not in the mood, he should respect that and not be upset etc. etc. Right?

What about the other way around. Why is it allowable for the wife to be upset and complain and make accusations of cheating etc, if he is not in the mood.

Or maybe I just need marriage counselling.

Answer 10

That's pretty shocking. I read the post that resulted in these answers. We have to try to remember that this is the Internet, the wild west of th 21st century. We can hope those attitudes are not representative - but they could be.
My sympathies are with you.