He and I have known each other for a very short period of time, and he gave me a promise ring before I left to go to Germany. I'm going to be here for the next two years, probably Turkey for 15 months, and then settling in Italy. He says now that we're engaged, and he's looking for diamond engagement rings, but I've told him that I'm not ready. I'm 19, and I want to get my degree in nursing and in art before anything drastic happens in my life. He's never met my parents, and he keeps thinking that I really don't want to get married because I want to wait. This makes no sense to me. I mean, shouldn't he want to wait? I don't want to have to split my attention between my future children and school, and I don't want to be financially unstable, so that's why I want to get education out of the way. I also am not ready for such a big commetment. He says that it's hard to trust me because everytime I raise the subject it's "one thing after another." Help!!
2007-03-29 06:22:36 · 47 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
talk to him honestly about all your feelings,he should appreciate it.
2007-03-29 06:26:37 · answer #1 · answered by Maro's mom 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Why does getting married automatically equal children?? If you're having sex now, you can still have a baby and be forced with the predicament where you have divide your attention between school and a family. So you putting not being ready for children as your reason to not want to get married right now, is bull. I say its bull because none of the fears you have about getting married, would stop you from fulfilling your goals. You want to prioritize and your career goals rank higher on the list than your relationship and PREFER to complete school before getting married. There is nothing wrong with that.
By the way, how can he tell you that you're engaged? That's not something you're informed of. It's mutually decided and then plans start being made. A promise ring is not an engagement ring. Also, his time table doesn't have to yours. It should not suprise you that you two are two different places regarding your relationship.
I can understand you not wanting the commitment of a relationship, with you wanting to study abroad. I know you probably love your boyfriend but but if he doesn't support your goals, you're wasting your time with him. Not to mention, I assume you guys are around the same age, has he mentioned any kind of goals that he wants to pursue? Does he have a job? If not, you don't want to marry him anyway. He'll just slow you down.
2007-03-29 06:40:55 · answer #2 · answered by Honey 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just sit him down and explain everything, let him know that pushing you is not the answer to the problem. When you get married you should be happy and willing. It is good that you want to establish yourself in a career before marriage. Tell him tha you want to make sure things are set and ok before going down that road. Especially seeing as children and travel take a lot of money. If he continues to push you have to really think about how life with this kind of person may be like, such as how will he be if I do not want kids right away, or if you want to live one place and he wants to be somewhere different. If he cannot take your feelings into consideration he is not totally caring about you. tell him that if he loaves you, then he can wait for you. People stay together long times without having to make it legal. And that is all it is. Tell him that you can make a promise to him and a commitment without the legality of it. My aunt and uncle have been together for 27 years and they are not married, they feel that when you marry and something goes wrong you immediately run out and get a divorce and that is expensive and stupid. Do what you feel is right and not what he thinks you should do.
Good Luck : )
2007-03-29 06:32:53 · answer #3 · answered by sxyhzleydgrl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are not ready, you need to tell him to stop pressuring you. You are only 19. Don't do it just because that's what he wants, you will regret it. Why is he in such a big hurry anyway?
I also believe that if this were the right guy, you wouldn't be worried about whether your degree or your marriage came first and if he cares enough about you, he will consider your feelings. Maybe he needs to move on, you are obviously at different points in your lives. Also, just because you get married while you are in school, doesn't mean that you have to have children right away, you can still wait on that. I would just give it a lot of thought. Is the possibility of losing this guy or finishing your education first more important to you? That's the ultimate question!
2007-03-29 06:30:56 · answer #4 · answered by BeThAnY 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me that you are the one that is ready to get married, not him.
You know what you want and when. You have a plan, and you know what is needed to be married. On the other hand, he seems to be just in a hurry and acting a little immature. I can’t really be sure, but for the little things you wrote, it makes me think this way.
Have a nice talk with him, and don’t say much, just ask him what are his plans, what is it that he wants to do after marrying you. Listen to his answers, and you will know if he is prepared or if he is just going crazy and trying to marry you in a hurry.
If he has actually a plan, and understand what is involved when you get married and how you guys would be a new family and that you guys would have to take care of that family, then he might be ready, so you two just need to work it out, and figure out when it would be better to do this step.
But if is as I suspect and he is not ready, then it is gonna be hard for you because you must explain what is going on and how much he needs to mature before he can really think of getting married. Chances are he is going to be mad and if he doesn’t grow up, he might even think of leaving you.
But this is a risk you have to take anyways, and just do your best trying to letting him see reality. Hopefully he will understand and will calm down and start planning for something real.
Good luck.
2007-03-29 06:32:04 · answer #5 · answered by Dan D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"...he keeps thinking that I really don't want to get married because I want to wait."
Did you tell him that or does he just think that?
Do not do anything you are not prepared for especially marriage. I know I don't have to tell you that but I am anyway. You will ruin both of your lives if the time is not right. You are 19. How old is he? If he is as young as you then he needs to do a bit more living to do (as do you) before he can figure out what he really wants in life. If he's not willing to wait then he needs to move on and get over you. Your experiences traveling alone will probably reinforce the sentiment that you don't want to settle down. He should try the same.
2007-03-29 06:30:46 · answer #6 · answered by Will H 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he is very insecure and there isn't much you can do about it. If you are not ready then tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not ready. Let him know that once you are in your last year of nursing that you would like him to "surprise" you with an engagement ring, but that you will say no anytime before then...and then stick to it. He will either have to deal with it or move on. You seem to have your head on straight...keep it that way! As a mom of three boys who is just finishing my BA now I have to say that I wish I would have done it before the kids. I still have a year and a half of grad school left!
2007-03-29 06:29:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are way too young to marry, especially if you are not ready.
As you travel the world your tastes will change. You may or may not wish to be with this person for the rest of your life after these experiences. If you are both truly in love he will wait and so will you. If not be kind and break it off now and give back the promise ring. Be nice and explain you are not yet ready. You can choose to be friends but I doubt he will accept that if he wants to marry. A clean break is much kinder.
2007-03-29 06:28:10 · answer #8 · answered by commonsense2265 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you should tell him that you love him but you're not ready 2 settle down yet and you want 2 achieve other goals in your life right now. And If he doesn't understand and wait till u are ready. Well he's not the 1 for U. Cuz if he loved u he would wait 4 u.
P.S Don't rush in 2 anything if ur not ready!!
I hope this is helpful 2 U.
2007-03-29 06:33:30 · answer #9 · answered by Myra 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm 23. I got married at 20 and divorced at 21. I dated for 5 years before getting married. I would not recommend getting married that young. Finish your college. If he's wanting to marry you that bad, he'll wait and if not, then he's probably desperate. College can take you a few years unmarried or many years married, I would say take a few years and get it done and out of the way so you can focus more on your career and family later.
2007-03-29 06:29:39 · answer #10 · answered by cobra427jah 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to take care of things YOU feel are important right now. If you're not ready and want get things "out of the way", then you need to do just that. I GUARANTEE, if you cave to the pressure you will second guess and regret for the rest of your life. Do what you need to do, then, when you have accomplished that, if marrying him is still an open option, address it then. And he obviously is not on the same track. If he does not want to wait, then maybe his desire to "married" is greater than his desire to be with you. If he is just looking to be married, and you're not ready, maybe he is not for you (or at least not for now). Just something to think about. But most of all, don't cave if you're not ready. Good Luck!!
2007-03-29 06:32:20 · answer #11 · answered by asparks05 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋