my husband & i have been having a few problems & i haven't felt that close to him the past week or so...
last night i woke up out of a bad dream to my husband trying to "get some" ... i don't know if he was fully awake or not, as he tends to get a bit sexual in his sleep ... but as our intimacy has been a bit lacking lately & i had been having a bad dream, i pulled away & told him to "stop!" a few times, but he wouldn't.it's not that i don't want to have sex with him, ever. i rarely turn him down. it's just that this time he woke me up out of a dead sleep at 1 am when i happened to be having a bad dream also...
i don't know what to do! i don't know how to bring it up, since i'm not even sure he was fully awake. i just feel sorta hollow & detached now, and used, and depressed....
please help me sort this out & figure out what to do & say...
:(
thank you
2007-03-29 05:25:59 · 36 answers · asked by Ember Halo 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
and i know that a husband can legally rape his wife (it's just harder to prove)but ... this just seemed like him getting carried away
[there's a couple things in my past that make my reaction to this all worse. one is that, about a decade ago, i woke up at a party to being raped by a so-called friend of mine. another is that my (now) ex-husband rougly forced me a few times during fights.]
oh, and we've only been married 3 1/2 months. and our relationship is pretty good, we just have some communications problems that we're working on. i don't want to leave him!
2007-03-29 05:28:34 · update #1
but... how do i bring it up?? what do i say? i'm not too great at communicating, i'm trying, but i always seem to put him on the defensive & i don't want to fight on top of this!
2007-03-29 05:32:22 · update #2
but... how do i bring it up?? what do i say? i'm not too great at communicating, i'm trying, but i always seem to put him on the defensive & i don't want to fight on top of this!
2007-03-29 05:32:26 · update #3
i talked to him briefly and he brought up having a bad dream himself &described what happened --but didn't remember actually doing anything or me telling him to stop. and now he's upset & grumpy & asked me "well, what do you want me to say? it's not like i remember it! sorry!" (kinda an apology, but the tone of voice wasn't quite right)
2007-03-29 06:08:58 · update #4
Wether or not he was fully awake, what he did was rape hun. It's upto you how you deal with it from here. If you feel strongly, go to the police as it is classed as rape forcing himself on you. Maybe you should sit down and have a long talk about it. Ask him what he was playing at and why he did it. You need to establish if it was intended. Maybe he thought he'd wake you up with a nice surprise and try to make things up to you... But you need to let him know either way, how badly you feel over it and that it should NEVER happen again. Good luck x
Hey, just to add to this:
If he's appologised and you accept it then thats your decision and good luck with the future :) You need to be clear to him that it mustn't happen again. However much you don't want to argue you should be able to express your point of view (you have a right to do that in a marriage!) Hope you work it out hun. Re-reading what you've explained, I'd say it was a sleepy, horny mistake on his part. I'm sure you'll get past it as you seem to really love him and be determined to make things work. Communication really is the key here. Let him know you want to make a good go of things, and you love him but feel violated at the moment and need to trust that he's going to ask you for sex in future
Best wishes x
2007-03-29 05:31:30 · answer #1 · answered by jellybean55 3 · 6⤊ 3⤋
I can see that you are really traumatized by this. YOU have to sit down with him and TALK. You don't want this to continue on, and if he is really awake and he does not stop it's "rape". First off, ask him if he remembers trying to have sex with you last night. If he remembers, then start explaining why you said to him stop so he knows how you feel. If he does not remember, tell him what he did and that you did not appreciate it.
It is nice that you let him have anytime he wants and he should really appreciate that and he should respect that too and at least let you sleep. Some men are really defensive when it comes to talking about sex, some may even become a little aggressive. I don't know your husband, so try to be gentile during the talk and try to get him comfortable in talking about sex with you before jumping into what happened last night.
If talking to him doesn't work, try to get counseling. No, it's not a bad thing and it's not too early in the relationship. If you want it to work, both of you have to work at it.
2007-03-29 05:53:32 · answer #2 · answered by 235 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow! This is a strange situation. Since he might have been asleep I think the best way to approach this is to have a conversation.
Ask him... "dear, the other night I woke up to you on top of me, and asked you a few times to stop, now you either didn't hear me because you might have still been sleeping, or you just didn't care. Which of the two choices was this?"
Wait for his answer, and then base any argument or decision made on what is said. Then make sure you let him know how the situation made you feel, and if he was sleeping, try to talk it out with him and figure out what will prevent this from EVER happening in the future.
If he was awake, I would suggest seeing someone outside of the relationship about this, because regardless of if you are married or not... its still rape
2007-03-29 05:31:37 · answer #3 · answered by Scared 2 · 6⤊ 0⤋
His reaction is NOT ok. Being grumpy and tossing off a "I don't remember" is NOT ok. You have been victimized before, and he just did something terrible to you, breaking open old wounds along with creating a new one. I can almost buy the "I was sleeping" but being an a@# about it when you talked to him, that's inexcusable. Really look at this relationship and this man and see what will be healthy and good for you. Have you seen a counselor? You've been through a lot, and if you haven't talked to someone, I really, really recommend it. It can help a lot, just an objective person to bounce things off of, and a good counselor can really help you figure things out in your head. Good luck to you.
2007-03-29 06:51:23 · answer #4 · answered by Lappet 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, I think you need to talk to a professional counsellor to be able to decide what to do- you've been through a lot. But I will say that you should talk to him about what happened so this never happens again - your spouse has no right to do this to you. When you talk to him, don't accuse him but state the facts, 'Last night, when we were sleeping, I awoke and felt extremely scared because you were forcing yourself on me and wouldn't stop'. 'I need to know that this won't happen again'.
It's not you putting him on the defensive, it's himself. If it would make it easier, then you should get a councillor, explain the situation , then invite him into the conversation. I do think though that communication should be the top priority in a marriage.
My mom told me once that my dad was sleeping, dreaming of playing football, his arm was around my mom's neck, he thought he had a football! It took a while to wake him, but he did thank goodness!
2007-03-29 05:35:37 · answer #5 · answered by LEWG 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I find it hot when my husband wants me so bad that he wakes me up in the middle of the night. Maybe because you were having a bad dream it was bad timing. If you are married you should talk. What is it that you want that you are not getting? IF you tell him how you feel, then maybe he can give you what you want. if you let him tell you how he feels without yelling or being mad at him, maybe you will want to give him what he wants, and it sounds like it is some sex right now. Talk and don't argue. This will solve things.
2007-03-29 05:32:19 · answer #6 · answered by Audrey C 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
you need to tell him what happened first off all so he is fully aware of what happened. just because he is your husband does not mean he has the right to force himself on you that also needs to be said. after you discuss that with him then you should bring up all the other issues you guys are dealing with. maybe counseling. also if the intimacy has been lacking what makes him think he can just force himself on you in the middle of the night? to bring it up you should just say something like. i wanted to talk to you about something that happened the other night. let him know you didn't appreciate it etc. don't be hostile about it because you wont get anywhere after you bring that up slowly work your way in to other things that are bothering you. wait until you have his undivided attention. hope it works out for you.
2007-03-29 05:34:05 · answer #7 · answered by Nikki25 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you should check with him whether he even remembers doing that. As you said, you're not sure whether he's totally awake when he gets sexual at night.
If he does, you can tell him the truth that you felt scared and upset since you were having a nightmare and hadn't had a chance to become intimate with him. But also tell him if you love to do it at night so long as he gives you some time to wake up. If that doesn't get any sort of sympathetic response, then I'd be hard-pressed to think that he actually cared what you felt like. I hope that he suprises you by being supportive and understanding.
2007-03-29 05:31:37 · answer #8 · answered by charmedchiclet 5 · 6⤊ 1⤋
You asked this question earlier. Maybe you're not getting the answer you seek through Yahoo. Maybe you need to sit and gather your thoughts. No one here can really solve your problem for you. No matter how many times or ways you ask the question, in the end, only you will know the right thing to do.
2007-03-29 05:43:45 · answer #9 · answered by bombastic 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If he didn't stop when you said Stop, he was wrong.
He may have started it when he was half asleep, but that's no excuse. I have never heard of anyone "sleep-f**king" like someone sleep-walking. He was awake enough to have stopped. No means no.
If you gave up trying to stop him and went along with it, does that mean you have no way of stopping him if you're not interested? That's a big problem. No wonder you feel funny about the situation.
2007-03-29 05:35:28 · answer #10 · answered by aspicco 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋