Is it wrong to want you husband to be the main provider?

Question

My husband has a problem with the idea of taking care of me, he thinks it should be 50/50. We even split the bills in half, and he makes more than me. Is it wrong for me to think he should be the main provider? or is it being selfish?

We have 2 kids together 1 and 2 years old.He helps me sometime with them but most of the time he is gone working, coaching, school or just sleep. My promblem is we never discussed it before we married. I even wanted to join our money together and pay bill that way but still no hope. I love him but I dont know if I can deal with his stubborn way.

Answer 1

No matter what, as husband and wife, you two are equal partners. Now, that doesnt necessarily mean that the two of you are equal financial partners. But, it does mean you are contibuting something, somewhere. If you think he can pay the bills while you go shopping and watch The View, thats selfish. But, if you want him to pay the bills, so you can stay at home with your kids and take care of them, then thats a different story. You have to contibute. Thats the only way I would find this acceptable, because nowadays men and women are treated equally. Women fought hard for it, so you should appreciate the opportunity to be an equal partner.

Answer 2

Very good question.

I'm glad you asked because this seems to be something in our society that I think we need to revisit. I work and my wife doesn't and hasn't since we've been together. The problem isn't your husband taking care of you, it's what makes sense for you family. In most cases you incur more expenses with 2 incomes than with one. Daycare, transit, lunch, etc...can be really burdensome on families and can be much more a waste of time, energy and money more than anything.

Men love to work. We love to provide. The problem in this scenario is this. You work, your husband works. He make, let's say 100K and you make 50K. Bills total 50K for the year. He pays 50% and you pay 50%. He has 75K left to spend and you have 25K left to spend. The problem is what he's doing with his 75K that he's not willing to give up in his marriage?

I, on the surface, don't think you're being selfish because that's the way that I think it should be. But he may not because honestly, this discussion should have be a part of the courting process. You would have known then the way he thought about it and be able to make a decision. Now, the only thing you can do really show him the pro's and con's of you working. Men really like logic! Type or write out a spreadsheet that shows the money that you spend at work vs. the money that you would save if you didn't. I'm sure if he saw that, and cared anything about the welfare of your home, he'd jump on it. Just be rational, not emotional.

Answer 3

It all depends on what the understanding was when you and your husband married. I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" answer to this question.

If your husband believes marriage is 50/50, then he obviously has a problem with the idea of supporting you. If you were working when you married him, and you've been splitting the bills, then you had an understanding. If you aren't happy with things, then you need to negotiate with your husband to try to reach a new agreement.

It isn't wrong for you to want your husband to be the main provider, but it might be a little selfish if you are trying to change things after-the-fact.

Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Neither of you are wrong. You are each entitled to your own perspective.

What's wrong is to say your perspective is right and his wrong, or vice versa. That's where problems start.

So you want him to be a sole provider and he wants you providing 50% of the funds.

Frankly, when you boil it down, neither of them appear to be selfless views.

Is there a great income disparity between the two of you that makes it difficult to provide 50% of the household funds? If so, then perhaps what he wants is unrealistic.

Do you want to live at a high standard of living that his salary alone will not support? If so, then perhaps your expectations are unreasonable.

You get no-where by trying to be right and making the other person wrong. Focus on the issues, listen to his concers, his reasons for wanting what he wants. Ask him to do the same.

Just because you are married doesn't mean you don't have to sell your ideas to your spouse. If your argument is that he should do it because you are his spouse is the same argument that he could use, saying you should just provide because you love your husband.

See, not an effective argument.

Neither view is more selfish than the other. It becomes selfish when you say that your view is superior than his, just because it's your view.

Look for levels of financial contribution that BOTH of you can enthusiastically agree upon.

Answer 5

It all fine everyone says did you not agree on this prior to getting married, that past. You are married to late, now you have to find a happy medium for both of you or it will always come between you. Money is a horrible thing and unless you sort this out, it can become a monster. You worry me how you say 50/50. I am sorry but do you not have a joint bank account and everything should go into it. Although you should have a set amount each week going into an account for yourself to spend, of course depending on your budget. I saw a show recently and they said you should put a percent of your wage into your joint bank account, that way you are contributing equal amounts for the amount of your earnings. Say you contribute 75% of $50,000.00 husband and the wife contributes 75% of $20,000.00. As long as this covers the joint bills etc, then all bills comes out of this account. The rest goes into spare accounts for you each to spend as you please. So you are both equally paying towards everthing, but still feeling independant and not having to have arguments when you purchase a pair of shoes or a handbag you like. This helps everyone feel like they are winning. Yes make sure he is doing his share of the housework, again make a roster and do it together, working out how you can help each other with the work load. You need to work together as a couple to make the marriage work, if you are spliting bills and having separate money completely it will never work, as you as just the same as being single. Best of luck

Answer 6

It's not wrong but this is definitely something to discuss before you marry. My ex husband and I both worked full time and he even told me that if I got a job that made me more financially secure than he was, that he'd QUIT and *I* could provide for us. Ha ha ha.

Well, I am now remarried and a mom, I care for the kids, I care for the home. Unlike a regular employer, this is a 24 hour 365 day a year job with no monetary pay but with THE BEST BENEFITS EVER. My hubby and I both want it this way and it is a great fit for us.

I hate to tell you, if you and your hubby are not both on the same page about your immediate career/financial goals or future career/financial goals down the line, you might have trouble. If he doesn't even want to take care of you now, I'd be concerned about his ability or desire to care for you later. It sounds like HE is being selfish to me.

Answer 7

I don't understand why husband and wife need to be keeping track of who's paying more. You are in it together and this shouldn't matter. I personally believe the man should be the provider because generally the woman takes care of the kids most and does most of the housework, cooking, etc, and on top of all that have a job as well. It's strange that he should be concerned with paying bills half and half, especially when he makes more money. You're married -- his money is your money, your money is his. I don't think you're being selfish -- I think your husband is being childish.

Answer 8

A man should b Head of his household. A man is suppose 2 b a provider. Only room-mate should split 50/50. However since u have income u should assist n paying small bills such as telephone, cable, food etc.A man's job is 2 provide shelter and safety and a woman job is 2 assist and support her husband. On another note if women would stop taking care of men-maybe they would no their roles as a man and grow up. Woman have a bad habit of taking care of men like they do their children. U r correct he should b the main provider but if 4 some reason he don't make much money as u- say 4 example he's going school, r got into accident, sick etc than u would take over role as provider temporary. But only cause he can not -not cause he choose not 2.

Answer 9

It's not fair to split bills 50/50 if he makes more than you. There is nothing wrong with wanting him to be the main provider, but was that the agreement before you both married?

Answer 10

That's ridiculous, especially if he makes more. It sounds like he wants to control your cash resources.

I make nearly twice what my wife does, and I pay most of the bills. The way I "rationalize" it, even though I was brought up to pay for everything (we can't live off my current salary). I figure that, while I will help take care of children and make them, I can't actually give birth to them. This is the least I can do since she can!

I'm a bit old fashioned, being in my mid-40s and a staunch conservative, but I want to take care of my wife and my future family. I'd love it if she could stay home and work on her art and her photography. It'd make her happy, and she certainly has the talent for it.