my husband & i have been haveing a few problems & i haven't felt that close to him the past week or so...
last night i woke up out of a bad dream to my husband trying to "get some"... i don't know if he was fully awake or not... but as our intimacy has been a bit lacking lately & i had been having a bad dream, i pulled away & told him to "stop!" a few times, but he wouldn't.
there's a couple things that make this all worse. one is that, about a decade ago, i woke up at a party to being raped by a so-called friend of mine. another is that my ex-husband rougly forced me a few times during fights.
i don't know what to do! i don't know how to bring it up, since i'm not even sure he was fully awake. i just feel sorta hollow & detached now, and used, and depressed....
please help me sort this out & figure out what to do & say...
:(
thank you
2007-03-29 03:33:35 · 19 answers · asked by Ember Halo 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
this was the first time that my *current* husband has done something like this.
& he does tend to get a bit sexual in his sleep...
2007-03-29 04:07:23 · update #1
oh, and we've only been married 3 1/2 months.
2007-03-29 04:12:19 · update #2
to clear things up, I WAS AWAKE
and i do KNOW that a husband can legally rape his wife (it's just harder to prove)
but ... this just seemed like him getting carried away except i told him 2 or 3 times to stop
2007-03-29 04:25:24 · update #3
and it's not that i don't want to have sex with him, ever. i rarely turn him down. it's just that this time he woke me up out of a dead sleep at 1 am when i happened to be having a bad dream also...
2007-03-29 04:30:14 · update #4
You guys have been having problems that's why you don't feel close to him, but you said that he does get a bit sexual in his sleep.. so this has happened before.. do you think just because you are mad at him and you feel distant from him is why this time in particular offended you so much ? did he ever woke you up from sleep to make love to you and you liked it and went along with it ? how was his domineer when he woke up ? if he remembered anything that has happened it would show. I'm sure he knows about this incidents you talked about so he wouldn't do it purposely to hurt you or use you. Sit down and calmly talk to him about what happened and how you feel. Don't accuse him of raping you .. that would hurt him. Just explain what happened. im sure he will be very sorry and he will tell you that he was not aware of what happened. Best of luck to you
2007-03-29 05:20:22 · answer #1 · answered by Samantha 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
In your case I'd feel fairly safe to assume he was fully awake. Mostly due to this "another is that my ex-husband rougly forced me a few times during fights.".. Believe it or not, your husband can by definition, rape you. When you say "No!" "Stop." or anything that implies you are not a consensual partner in the act, and you are forced in to continuing against your will, you are being raped. Being married has nothing to do with it.
You're in an abusive relationship and you're accepting of it. First priority is to seek help for your need to allow this behavior to happen. Second, leave your husband and either sever all ties to him on all levels or press charges against him. I'd suggest both, but that's your choice to make.
2007-03-29 03:44:13 · answer #2 · answered by b0red2tears 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
This is your husband you're talking about. Not to judge you, when did things get so bad that you can't discuss something so intimate with him? Talk to him. Ask him why he felt it necessary to do that while you were sleeping. Is it because he knows that you would rebuff him? Have you been denying him intimacy? A lot of men do the same thing because they often get aroused while in that situation. He probably meant no harm. Find out how he feels. It sounds as if both of you could benefit from some counselling.
2007-03-29 03:43:56 · answer #3 · answered by bombastic 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You seem to be a heavy sleeper need to get that checked out. Depends on what state you live in some states it's not rape unless the husband sodomizes his wife and it sounds like that wasn't the case here so see a doctor about your sleep disorder so this will not happen in the future. good luck
2007-03-29 04:16:20 · answer #4 · answered by bluemist 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
OH God! Tell him straight up "you raped me" I can relate to the part about being raped by a friend of mine when i was drunk and passed out. Its so degrading, horrible. Tell him what happened and have you considered a trial separation? In the mean time if he does it again call the police. If you allow this to keep happening it will really F**K with your head. You deserve better you are his wife! He should love and respect you, Best of luck to you.
2007-03-29 04:08:54 · answer #5 · answered by lovebug512 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
This is tough, because my wife and I have had some "half awake-half asleep" fun before, and we really enjoy it. You feel raped, though, and your hubby must know this. Talk this through carefully and see how he reacts, then you might call a professional, because none of us in here are qualified to give you advice on how to deal with the tough issues around rape. Take care!!
2007-03-29 03:43:49 · answer #6 · answered by Paul 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
He did not "kinda force himself" on you - he raped you. Don't make excuses for him "I don't know if he was fully awake" because even if he wasn't when it started, by the time you pulled away and told him stop he would have been awake and apologetic for upsetting you. My ex raped me and I tried to make excuses for him, but the fact is that there is NO excuse for this. Please, find professional help, someone you can talk to. Do not let this continue...
2007-03-29 03:46:47 · answer #7 · answered by c_n_s130 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
you said this wasn't the first time. and that your husband did this while angry... rape is about violence, not sex.
it seems you have some decisions to make. while i can't make them for you, maybe you need to get away from him for a while.... and seek HELP and get some therapy.
rape is a crime -- assault is too.... violence against a wife is not "different".... you deserve better things.
talk to someone you know and trust... please get help for yourself....
I'd also like to point out that an answerer, MIKE above made it sound as if your husband isn't committing a crime or violence against you when he forces you to have sex. Mike is DEAD WRONG.
hugz.
2007-03-29 03:47:36 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
leave his *** and stop being a victim to all these men. You might also need therapy to find out what is it about you that make men feel they can use you in such a way. Love yourself a little bit more, and you'll attract people that love you a little bit more.
2007-03-29 03:43:25 · answer #9 · answered by ophelia h 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It doesn't matter whether he is awake or not, he is in the wrong. Now how do YOU make this right. You probably need to seek counseling yourself and with your husband. You have been through allot and it is affecting both you and your marriage. Please think about this, OK. Good luck.
2007-03-29 03:43:12 · answer #10 · answered by steinerrw 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋