marriage problem?

Question

My wife cannot let go of the past. She saw her mother die a horrible death through alcohol and her father basically blamed her for moving away (we were in the states but returned), she also lost many relatives in a short amount of time. She never spoke much about any of it because we had a young child and she had to be strong for her. She fell pregnant and she was like a woman possessed. She said she could not have the baby as she was going to be like her mother etc. I think she had a nervous breakdown. Anyway she miscarried but she became deeply depressed. I had to go away for a couple of months and she had an online "affair". When I confronted her she said it made her feel loved and needed. This was eight years ago and she cannot let go. She drinks on and off and has changed from a caring, loving wife and mother to a distant stranger. Counselling does not help. She says it best that I have custody and she start a new life. I think it best but I worry about her.

Thanks for all your advice. It has helped so much. I should also mention that my wife is english and we are now living in the states. Other things that made her that way was her father yelling at her "you killed your mother you b"""", and my daughter heard. That nearly finished my wife off. He blamed her because how she was as a teen. Hearing from friends she was like any other teen. She feels so responsible. The doctor feels like she may have PTSD. I guess she moved to the States and knew nothing of tragedy or death and on her return it must have been hell on earth. I love her but it is like she feels responsible for everything that happened.

We are seeing a doctor on Monday but she seems so lost. She keeps analysing herself on the computer and to be quite honest I am getting tired of it. It is like she has given up even trying to get better. I love her but I just do not know what to do. She has had so many traumas that she cannot get out of them. We did separate and she moved back to England but came back and it is the same again. Her family has moved on and basically have their own lives. She just feels so lost. I know she is not happy with me but she has no where else to go.

Answer 1

Larry, are you sure all her problems are from the things you list? You aren't on her list anywhere. When she said, 'it made me feel loved and needed", did any bells go off?

Answer 2

This is a horrible situation to deal with, I don"t know if you love your wife, I pray that she will be able to overcome all of this, people don't realize that they become victims of their own minds; we all do at one point or another; however it's what you do with it and where you go;I know you said this hasn't helped she may need hospitolized for a week Unfortunately your wife has let it get the best of her, she needs some serious counseling for more than one reason; You need to be strong all the love you gave in the world probably wouldn't be enough she needs to grieve the lost and move on and love herself before she can truly love anyone else

Answer 3

Yes, I agree, it sounds like she's suffering from PTSD. For anyone who reads this and isn't familiar with this, it stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I went through this myself several years ago regarding a death in my family that I couldn't get over. She needs intense psychotherapy, I had it. It's therapy designed for traumas like she's suffered. It doesn't mean she's "nuts' or "psycho". She has a lot of repressed issues and memories of her mother and father, the way they acted and how she was treated. She's never dealt with it or healed from it, which is why she's the way she is now. Check with your doctor and see what they recommend. Sometimes one therapist isn't enough. I went through three to find one who "knew" what they were doing, kind of thing. I'm fine today and have been ever since treatment =) Don't give up on her, she deserves peace in her life and to be happy =)

Answer 4

It seems like your wife has allowed fear to control her. It also appears that you have made your best effort to help her. Now comes the time when you need to save you and your daughters own frame of mind. This will be a hard choice to make but to provide stability for your daughter is your job as a parent.
You will always care for your wife. She gave you a beautiful daughter (all children are beautiful) and you have shared a huge portion of your life with her. Their is nothing wrong with that, but you cannot be a crutch for her. She needs to heal and support herself emotionally and not be dependent upon the support from you or anyone else.
Good luck!

Answer 5

counselling does not help because your wife is unwilling to RECEIVE help... in other words, she's not prepared to face the pain involved in dealing with life and her own realities.

she may never be prepared.

it's a shame she's gone through this and right now, i don't think she realizes what she has in YOU.

perhaps it's time for YOU to get the help YOU deserve. have you ever considered therapy? it could be just the ticket you need in order to develop coping skills and to realize that your wife will never change unless SHE WANTS TO.

you can change though.

it's also difficult living with a binge drinker / alcoholic. Alanon, which is part of Alcoholics Anonymous, was designed for support of people who live with alcoholics. it's very helpful, and i think there are online resources, as well as meetings in most communities.

take care of YOU.... that's the best thing you can do.

all the best!

Answer 6

Take the child out of the situation. Alcoholism runs on both sides of my family, I have seen a fair number of them and its really scary as a child even if some one is just drunk. You need to worry about her, and check on her as much as you possibly can. I can't tell you anything you probably don't already know. I just hope the best for you guys and maybe something will get though to her and she'll get the help she needs.

Answer 7

She's really depress and alot has happen to her...be supportive. You seem like a decent man so try to be in her corner at all times...even when you're angry with her. Tell her that you love her and that no matter what happen you'll always will be there for her....BUT, if all of this is taking a toll on you and you find yourself unhappy with her actions then try to move on with your life but for the child sake try to have a decent relationship with her. Because she truly needs you.

Answer 8

How sad. If sounds like the best outcome for your wife, your daughter and you. Though it's sad for you to separate your wife most definately has issues she needs to deal with and it's probably best if your daughter is in a more stable environment. I wish you all the best.

Answer 9

Yeah start a new life. She cheated on you and you dont need to deal with all of this. You have helped her the best you can, and she doesnt seem to want to let go.

Answer 10

i really feeling respect for u that after these all problems still u care for her.......u r really so good to realize through what she is going and her strange attitudes r nothing but the reflection of her past.
Will u listen to me?
stop councilling...........hug her tightly, kiss her on throat and say u r always beside her, at any kind of crisis.........tell her, u r her present, no past can chage it, and whatever happen in past is done by the creator - no one had any control on it.....
tell her, exactly the lines that if u want to go, okay - but make sure the man would be good and caring one, as u r very much precious thing of mine, i cant leave u for any uncertain future..................................
i guess, after these all, she cant leave u.........have faith on Allah.