Should I marry a man and believe that he will change for the better?

Question

I am 35 and my boyfriend is 27. We have 2 kids together. He id not my ideal mate because he is not settled like i want him to be. He is just a street person who loves doing illegal things.. However, he tells me that if i marry him he will chnage. Of course i do not believe him so i have not married him. Now, i can just walk out on him but if he continues to do the same things when we are married, i will feel obligated to stick it out. I know better but just wanted to hear others' opinions about the situation.

Answer 1

No!! If he's not the ideal man now you'd be a fool to think he'll turn into one when you get married.

Answer 2

If he’s not willing to make changes in his life because he needs to make them or feels then should be made you marrying him isn’t going to get those changes out of him. Once you’re married to him then you’re stuck. He knows this and that’s why he’s putting the if you marry me then I will change on you. He knows it will be a lot harder for you to get rid of him once you’re married. He sounds like he has nothing to offer and even though he’s the father of your children, he’s not a good role model. What you should do is tell him that he needs to get his life together, and you’d consider staying with him but if he doesn’t you will leave. Tell him that marriage is out of the question. The problem is you’re not telling him how you feel, nor are you putting your foot down. You need to tell him that his illegal dealings isn’t the type of life style you want for yourself or your children. He’s younger than you and we all know women mature faster than men so because he’s in his late 20’s he’s still got a lot of growing up to do in order to be on your level. He doesn’t see where there’s anything wrong with what he’s doing or his life. The best thing you can do is show him tough love and leave him on the streets were he enjoys being until he gets his life together or you find someone that will do right by you and your children. His illegal dealings can lead to danger for you and your children. If he really cared he'd get a real job and stop living the dangerous life. I wish you the best with your situation.

Answer 3

You're already in way too deep, but I'd still tell you to leave him.

But he won't change.

Want to know what his future actions will be? Don't listen to his words, look at his past actions. Look up "recidivism" sometime soon and get a picture of how many criminals just keep on being criminlas even after being in the prison system. It's what? 93%? Something like that.

Women *love* to believe what men say since they are so hard-wired for words. But people don't make huge changes like that. His character is set and you or any other woman won't be changing it.

Get out while the getting is good. How you could ever have not one but two children with someone who is "not my ideal mate" is beyond me.

Answer 4

You know the answer to this already. If you need the confirmation of others, you have it: not only should you not marry him, you should leave him, and make a better life for yourself and your children.

If you do marry him, he will not change; in fact he will, in all likelihood, get even worse. If you are not happy now, imagine what it would be like to feel like you do only be legally and morally obligated to "stick it out" . . . for the rest of your life . . . with a junkie. Sure, you'd probably divorce him (might as well start saving some money now to pay the legal bills) but not before going through all sorts of emotional agony.

My God. Get out of there while you are still sane.

Answer 5

No, don't get married with the hopes of someone changing for the better. I do believe it's possible for people to change, however, I also think that when you get married, you;d better marry that person for who they are right then. Marriage isn't something magical that will make people change for the better although I do think it can happen. If you marry him knowing what he's like, then that's what you can expect more of. Wait until he makes the changes first, then think about marriage. Tell him that the changes must come before you are willing to make a lifelong commitment to him. If he wants to spend his life with you, he will start to make those changes to prove to you that he is serious. Until then, stay single.

Answer 6

You are a 35 year old woman who has two kids and the most important thing you should be worrying about are your children. He's a grown man who needs to be responsible for himself. Getting marry is sacare and he shouldn't use it as an exchange to change his behavior. He shouldn't being risking himself and his family by doing things he shouldn't be doing. If anything you should be thinking about whether you want to continue to be in this relationship is he chooses not to do right and make things better. He's not ready for marriage.

Answer 7

I say stay with him for now but do not marry him,talk to him and tell him your concerns like i wanna marry you too but i need to see some changes in you now..explain marriage is something you take seriously and want to make sure he's serious about changing and about being there for you and the kids.Doing illegal things will possibly depending on what it is could put him in jail and you will be left to fend for yourself and your kids..so just explain this is a big step for you two. And you are correct it is much Easier to leave when NOT married..I was in this same situation and yes like you said stayed longer than i should have because i WAS married now and felt obligated to my child and him..but after 11 yrs. now i am going thru a divorce because i have just had enough..and yes mine too involved him doing illegal things which he is now locked up for..there has to be apoint where they need to grow up and make sure he's there for his family..which means not doing illegal things..

Answer 8

You said it.. he will not change.... even if you marry him. He wants to trap you.....
I would go off on my own and let him be a good father if he can.
Doing illegal things isn't okay and you sound like it is normal!!!!!!
he will teach this bad behaviour to the children and also this will eventually affect your morals and standards......
I don't see what has to be figured out. this is a dead end relationship as far as I can see.
You can hope till the cows come home, but this boy is not changing for anyone. He is set in his life and if you want to get in the gutter with him, remember you take your children with you and then you would deny them of a normal childhood.
This behaviour can only lead to bad things and maybe jail for him(hopefully)..
He is a criminal in his mind, heart and soul....
You are not..... simple decision here.
What the heck are you staying around for... get moving girl and get your children away from him. You all deserve a good normal life.. you won't find it here.

Answer 9

Lets get this straight - you live with a guy (wrong #1) with whom you have had two children (wrongs #2 & 3) who does illegal things (wrong#4) and is just a street person(wrong #5) who lies that he will change when married (wrong #6). That would certainly be enough wrongs for me to correct my ways, get this man out of your house where he has the ability to influence your children, and think about the many changes needed in your life. Having a man around just for the sake of having a mna around, is hardly wrth the price you are paying. Think about eternity and before whom you will one day stand.

Answer 10

You would be making a huge mistake if you married this man.People do not change just because of marriage.You said that you have 2 children with him and he is doing illegal thing's..Why would you want to risk losing your children.I suggest that you grow up and worry about your children and if this man cannot stop his illegal activity you need to leave him unless you don't care if your children are taken away from you..NO YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY HIM.....

Answer 11

I've found through life that people truly do not change. There are times we do not act ourselves due to certain circumstances, but once we're through those we revert back to our typical behavior. The change your man needs to make in order to suit your desires, has to start within himself. He has to want to be a better person. He has to want to stop doing these illegal activities. If he's only doing it to get you legally bound to him, then once you're married he's going right back to the way he was.
My advice is to not get married. If you love him then stick around a bit longer. Talk to him. Tell him that you do not agree with how he is running his life and that it jeopardizes your future together. If he's willing to partake in this line of conversation than listen to him and try to understand where he is coming from. You've got a rocky road ahead of you, and if he truly decides he wants to be a better man he is going to need your support to do so.
Best of luck to you both