NRI arranged marriage ...wife has depression...not able to therapy?

Question

I am staying in US for past 9 years. Like every indian beliveing in my culture got into arrange marriage. In-laws lied to me a lot. My wife had serious depression which they never told she does not even know english. Now it is four year we have kid. she has depression still and with treatment. My life has become miserable. she very sensitive and mis understand everything. Add to this my in laws from india keep poisoning her. I do not know what to do . if I go back to india my in laws will still make things worse. Manage here alone, I am slowly loosing all my patience and tolerance. Infact I feel I am going to become depressed. I only request all NRI guys never go for arrianged marriage in india.

Thanks for all answears.

Answer 1

I think its best you have some more patience and explain this to the psychiatrist treating her. Also talk to her calmly about how its detrimental to her health, your marriage and the kid as well. Also donot make her feel worse about her not knowing english. its not a big deal she can learn as soon as she recovers.
As far as her parents are concerned take a firm stand by explaining to them that since she's with you its your responsibility to handle everything.
A divorce is not easy either, dirty linen is washed in public and its a torture. Besides it leaves u emotionally scarred for life.
Yes initially you took a wrong step by merely jumping into a relationship without knowing the person. But its not too late. Be supportive and caring towards your family. The kid has no right to suffer due to his / her parents. Afterall its only u who can sort out things amongst u three.
Everything wud be OK....just do your best and pray...all the best

Answer 2

So sorry this is happening to you.
I personally can't imagine an arranged marriage.
You probably already know that Americans can't begin to imagine an arranged marriage. It boggles my mind.

I would say, send her back to India. Get you citizenship here and raise your child in a good home.

Your in laws should have NO power over you or your life. This is why people immigrate to USA and not to some other countries.

You need to stand on your own. And send the woman back to a world that isn't part of this century or even this millennium.

Your child doesn't need to be raised in a home with two depressed parents.

Sometimes happiness is a choice.

I wish you well.

Answer 3

Why is she in depression??There must be reasons. You did not elaborate. And you have been tolerating her quite well,it could be that she is lonely. Is she working.??Are you showing her enough affection?? There is no reason to blame on your in laws or your arrange marriage now course you are married to her already. You have kids ask them are they OK with their mother's emotion? And you mentioned that she is seeking doctor's help. I believe the doctor would know better about her condition. As for your in laws you have to build the confident in your wife so that she doesn't seek their help. I know they could be the problem. Please to me I feel you should help her and be with her now. Just imagine if you are married to her and later had a mental illness won't you want her to be beside you rather than blaming you. I feel you should shower her more love and show her that she can get better. Give her the confidence.

Answer 4

I am familiar with arranged marriages. I understand your misery. Try not to let others comments upset you. Now I will try to address your issues.

I read your other questions.

First, like arranged marriages are traditional, so is the role that you can take in this marriage. Dishonesty when the marriage was started is really ruining your life now. Time to fix things.

Tell her to go to therapy. Tell her to get on medication. Tell her that she must as a wife and mother for her child. You do not say what she does but it must be intolerable based on the misery you express.

You must stand up to the relatives. You are letting them control or affect you probably because you are depressed too. If she is stuck at home, can't leave the house, so depressed that she does nothing for herself, maybe she needs hospitalized briefly. I can't say for sure. But putting your foot down is necessary.

If she refuses. Under all circumstances refuses to listen or do anything to help you or herself, you need to think about your family's future. The inlaws aren't there to see your pain. Tell them to step out of it or come here and endure it themselves. Send her back to them for a while if not.

Face it...it is way to easy for family to blame you. Since you are the husband (and you know the culture)...just insist on your way. I feel bad for you...but you must do what you have to do.

I know it will circle around in India and they will say you are selfish..but some times you have to just survive. Maybe your wife will wise up. But if she is as sick as you say...just fight the urge to just listen to your family (or inlaws) when you are the one that lives it.

You are in the US now...time to be American. Stand up and do what you have to do.

Good luck----by the way, I have an India ex that was very mentally ill and the family didn't tell me he was crazy either. I did what I had to do too.

Answer 5

u have given so much thought on building a career, taking a job in the US, and all the associated details. U are taking a lot of trouble to earn and live a good life. But u don't seem to have taken any trouble or effort to find a suitable life partner, soul mate etc. U can't buy a wife and there is no fun in it. Men enjoy the search and the chase for a wife, not the marriage and the life after marriage, it is so boring. U seem to have missed the search and the chase for a wife, and u have given very low priority to marriage and finding a wife.
U may go for arranged marriage in India, but spend quality time on the search and the chase, to get the best and suitable wife.

Answer 6

I am sure that there are a number of good psychiatrists in the US maybe an Indian one would be better, who will be able to help your wife come to terms with her depression.

I would suggest that you give it a try. Be supportive and help her overcome this illness. She needs you more than anything right now. I do admit that you are angry because you feel cheated but it would be a good idea to help save your marriage rather than go in for a divorce.

Concentrate on her positive and in due course with right treatment and you by her side, she will get better.

Answer 7

You becoming a NRI was your decision and even going for arranged marriage was your decision. So logically speaking if your decision for arrange marriage was wrong then you decision to migrate to another country was also wrong..... I guess to blame the entire situation on your wife is completely wrong. You never mentioned the reason for her depression, it's possible it could be you also....... And as for you in-laws warn them and tell them straight to mind their own business or you will send them their daughter back if they are still so interested in her life. ....With a kid, your situation has become very difficult and separating(divorce) would destroy three lives with none of them having any future. You try to socialise with your wife as much as possible, if she can't speak english teach her, travel to different locations, travelling to exotic location surely gets rid of depressions. It will be challenge for you also....

Answer 8

You know the real problem with all you NRI guys is that you yourself go for local Indian ladies for marriage thinking they will meet all your requirements & even if the marriage break they will not be demanding huge sum of alimony that may result in your bankruptcy, now don’t say this was not the real reason as my own son in law who himself is a NRI told me this that foreigner ladies specially GORIS demand lots of alimony if marriage fails & no one wants to take such a risk as far as Indians settled there are concerned. Now when you find that Indian ladies or their family members are creating more trouble as in your case then you come out here & start crying about depression & all. If you people live out side India, work there, & even take citizenship of that country then why don’t you marry local ladies from that country? Now don’t tell me those ladies are Christians or non Hindus so we cant marry them, we follow our own religion & customs, all this is nothing but mere nonsense as all you guys celebrate with great fun all Christian festivals like Christmas & Easter as other county fellows, you may even be not aware of which day Deepawali or holi is being celebrated here in India but for those festivals you are always on forefront. Better it will be for all you NRI people to marry with people where you live then getting spouse from India.

Answer 9

Over the last five years I had begun to have increasingly withdraw into a downward spiral of depression..

But now with the method I can fully focus my energy and thoughts into a decisive line on how to make my life better constantly. And it works like magic! I'm beginning to attract people to me once again and things have just been looking up since then.

Helping you eliminate depression?

Answer 10

Arranged marriage cannot be condemned like you said. It has its sanctity. But the problem lies in lack of proper understanding between the two from day one of the marriage.

Most of the problems start from the mother of the girl as per my private studies. You statement concur with my study. Anyway now you have to slowly and tactfully wean your wife out of the relationship with her mother ( poor lady, cannot be blamed for her depression). Otherwise there is no way out.