My husband and I have been married 10years September 21, 1996. We have two beautiful children. Both of them were made with love. Our sex life took a dive soon after my son was born, 10/08/97. We went to a life counselor when my son was about three, we had much stress from new baby, new job, new state, new marriage. My huband was the one who talked me into going, I'm glad we did. We didn't talk of our sex life, she wasn't a sex therepist. I am ebarrassed that i have not initiated sex, it has done much damage to my husbands well being. He is awesome, he loves us much and is pro active. i am passive, he asked for yrs what my fantasy is, he has them, I don't. We communicate well. He drinks more and more. We love each other but my low labido has driven him to drink. We have come to this conclusion, is it fair to say this? My lack of initiation makes him feel like less of a person. I love him, we do have sex but only when he initiates. I never think about it. I'm troubled by all this.
2007-03-28 17:47:21 · 10 answers · asked by smily 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sounds to me like you are self concious. Maybe embarrased to start something. Maybe you wonder if he is interested when you are and you dont want to bother him. Dont be shy. He loves you. Next time you two are watching tv then kiss his neck, brush yourself up against him. He will love it and you will see that it's nothing to be afraid of. You seem like the submissive kind of person and that can be a killer of the sex life. I cant tell you to do things that you wont do but I can give you some suggestions. Leave him a note somewhere he can see it to meet you in the bedroom. Be wearing something sexy (or nothing at all) and surprise him. Schedule time for this. Sounds crazy but believe me it works. Talk to your doctor and maybe he can prescribe you something to help you overcome whatever is holding you back. It could be stress or even depression. I hope this helps!
2007-03-28 17:58:39 · answer #1 · answered by chunkysmom3502 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Years and years of counseling experience, and this is the most common complaint I hear. It is not a problem unique to wives; men behave the way you are behaving just as often. The answer is the same for all: if the marriage is something you value and wish to continue, you have to stop being lazy and work at it. A one-sided relationship is not a relationship at all. You MUST show the other partner that he or she matters VERY much and that you are willing and able to prove it by being, among other things, sexually aggressive on occasion - and more frequently than "once in awhile".
And being sexually aggressive means far more than just lying on your back naked and letting him use you as if you were just a sperm receptacle. His own hand can be used that way; why should he bother with you if that's your only contribution to the act?
To put it succinctly: love is work! And "meeting him halfway" is not nearly enough: both of you have to give a hundred percent! If you can't, or won't, do that, then he is entirely justified in asking whether he is better off without you. You would be just as justified if the shoe were on the other foot.
You don't need a certified sex therapist as much as you need someone who will help you explore your reasons for feeling so detached. Once you get over that hurdle - which should not take forever - then it may be time for a sex therapist.
I'll offer a prediction - and forty years of experience on my part enables me to be remarkably accurate: unless you get on the stick and work this out within the year, you'll be divorced by next March! Is that what you want, deep down inside?
2007-03-29 00:22:20 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Any good therapist should be able to talk about sex. You don't need a special sex therapist. You need couples therapy more than anything else, and you need to go to a certified counselor, a social worker trained in psychotherapy, or a psychologist, not a "life counselor." Anybody can call themselves a "life counselor." You don't even need a degree for that. You need to go to a professional for couples counseling.
There are a lot of things that could lead to your loss of interest in sex. It could have something to do with the way you were brought up, or the way he was brought up; it could have something to do with the way you make love and your different concepts of sex. It could be a problem that a doctor could help you with. But my advice is for you to find a professional couples therapist as soon as possible.
2007-03-28 18:01:41 · answer #3 · answered by happydog 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
whats up -- i'm so sorry that you've been by such an undesirable time, consisting of consisting of your very last therapist. it truly is easily a criminal offense and the "specialist" could lose his license and be in detention center. have you ever advised your therapist about your thoughts and about your previous reviews, consisting of with the former therapist? i understand it truly is not ordinary to do, yet it truly is mandatory from him to understand to administration you. If for some reason he were to assert or do some thing irrelevant, you'll opt for to resign seeing him at modern - on your well being - and are available across a to blame therapist. probability is that you're going to have extra valuable success this time. at the same time as human beings were sexually abused as babies, concepts and thoughts change into all wondered. someone who became meant to guard you broke that believe in a horrendous way. So now once you're with different men who're also searching after you and being authority figures, your previous reviews muddle up your concepts and thoughts. it truly is a few thing you may artwork on consisting of your therapist. It takes time, besides the indisputable fact that it does get extra valuable. solid success!
2016-12-02 23:15:31 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, good for you for asking, even on an informal site like this. I am not a sex therapist, but I am a therapist and yes, sexual issues are a big part of many marital issues. There are way too many variable to guess what your condition might be for your lack of arousal - not knowing the "right" way for you, abuse history, not comfy with your body, low self esteem, an orgasmic disorder, he is not a skilled lover and neither of you know the difference, medications that affect your functioning, fear, lack of appropriate stimulation, you're really gay.... it could be a million things many of which you may have zero control over. Second of all, your lack of sexual initiative is NOT the cause of his drinking. He might feel like a poor performer, but his actions to imbibe have nothing to do with you and every thing to do with him avoiding the (and other) problems. Too many women blame themselves for this. For EVER, women blame themselves for being sexually dysfunctional when it's really got nothing to do with them. My great g'ma remarried in her 60's to her childhood sweetheart - born 1888. For the first time in her life she enjoyed sex and didn't know it was her natural right to do so. That's got a lot to do with her generation but much more to do with being a "Woman" who accepts all the blame. If you feel you've driven your spouse to drink because of this, then he must be doing something to support your belief and this is NOT okay, Linda. Yes, I think you're right, seeing a sex therapist would be a good idea. I might even go to see one on your OWN first, with the therapist having knowledge of your intent to involve him later. I think doing some processing with one about your own issues, since you seem to feel you are the problem, will help lay the foundation for both of you moving towards a more rewarding sex life. There is also some marriage retreat weekends that come highly recommened - If you live in an urban area, finding one shouldn't be too much trouble. I would be happy to help you find the resources to get one if you email me. The link below might bring you to a simpler and more "compact" treatment approach to your struggles as a couple. This is a well respected marriage retreat program that has a strong focus on sexual intimacy. One might be in your area. It costs, sure, as does everything. But it will be zillions cheaper than a divorce or more of a lifetime of this destructive downslide he's taking. Bravo for reaching out Linda. Good luck to you.
2007-03-28 18:23:44 · answer #5 · answered by ariasonota 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I really think you need to go to a therapist. Truelly, I wouldnt blame yourself for a drinking problem. Many women dont initiate sexual relationships and their husbands dont start drinking. This is how your husband reacts to stress. You should go to a counselor to help work out a mutually favorable relationship with your husband and to help understand your feeling. Noone on the internet can truelly help you deal with this its something you and your husband need to work out with a professional counselor.
2007-03-28 17:56:24 · answer #6 · answered by oceanqueen1 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Disclaimer, I am NOT affiliated with this site but have found it useful:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
The person who runs that site also has written a book called "His Needs, Her Needs," which I recommend that you and your husband read. I do agree with other answerers that counseling may be good, this is in addition to that and possibly prior to going to further counseling.
2007-03-28 18:43:48 · answer #7 · answered by Jacques 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you feel the problem is that you don’t initiate, then why don’t you do that? It’s not that hard.
Are you embarrassed to do it? You’ve been married to the man for ten years, you shouldn't be embarrassed to initiate sex.
2007-03-28 18:04:32 · answer #8 · answered by kp 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
were you abused as a child sexually or have some bad experience you really need conseling for this and even if you don't feel like it you should try to be more sexual because your wasting your young yrs Godbless you.
2007-03-28 18:06:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yah! sometimes you have to do more than just lay there like a log with a hole in it.
2007-03-28 17:54:41 · answer #10 · answered by Joe B 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋