Would you stay married to a guy whose trust issues and insecurities cause him to make ultimatums and...?

Question

threaten divorce if you don't do what he wants?

He doesn't want me spending time with an ex-boyfriend.

Answer 1

no absolutly not, he shouldnt make you do things you dont want to do.

Answer 2

It depends on a number of factors.

1) What are your 'true' feelings for the person? In other words, how does their complications affect the way you see and/or deal with them? Sometimes, it is only in seeing someone's problems do we begin to gauge what we can handle. I would give the same suggestion to someone who was married to a diabetic, a parplegic, or a hypocondriac. Knowing what they are, the question is: can you handle it?

2) How much of his insecurities are founded in fact and how much are founded in self-delusion? In other words, it would be one thing if he went paranoid simply because you ran into each other at the laundrymat and had a friendly conversation. It would be something quite different if you had constantly brought up the ex all through-out the marriage, telling great stories about him, how 'happy' you were with him and whatnot. Then, if you suddenly turn around and start hanging around with the ex lately, his paranoia and 'demands' aren't as unreasonable.

3) Marriage is about choosing to be with the person, and that doesn't just mean choosing to be with them on the day of the wedding. It means waking up every day and saying to yourself 'I chose you then, and I choose you today as well.' It also means asking yourself why did you chose that person. If it wasn't because you really 'loved' them, and instead, it was because it was the 'right thing to do' or 'it made so-and-so happy' or 'it simplified the bills', or some other reason outside of yourself, then its doomed to failure.

There are some people who have been through hell and stayed married, and there are people who divorce because one snores more than the other. If you understand why you got married, then you should be able to understand why or why not you should get a divorce.

Answer 3

Yes....I can understand this has to be stressful for you and on your marriage, but you really do need to do the best you can.
I say, sit down with him when he does this, let him know you are willing to discuss the matter like adults and come to a reasonable decision. If he's resistant to that, you do what you feel you should do at that point, whether he likes it or not.
It sounds like he just threatens you with divorce because it's the only way he knows how to get what he wants. I really doubt he'll actually follow through with it, but if he does, it's his loss. Counseling may be a good step for your marriage if he'll go along with it. You just keep trying to be the best wife you can be (which doesn't always mean giving him everything he wants), and leave it at that.

(I just saw the part about your ex). I think your husband has every right to not want you spending time with your ex....would you want him spending time with another woman? especially one that he'd been involved with? You do have to consider his feelings on that one.

Answer 4

You know, I am not the type to ever say that someone needs to just "get a divorce".. but you clearly do not love your husband, no matter what you say. If you loved him at all, you wouldn't keep on insisting that your "friendship" with your ex-boyfriend is so important. It's not like you can't live without that guy in your life.. Get real! You obviously have deeper feelings for him than you are willing to admit, or else it wouldn't be so hard to let go of him.

Personally.. I think your husband needs to file for divorce.. like, yesterday! You obviously have zero respect for not only yourself, but your husband.. as well as the vows you took.

I don't care how many times you post about it.. No married woman has any business just "hanging out" with an ex-boyfriend. There is no reason for that, and it is very disrespectful to your husband.

Answer 5

Well, I can understand him not wanting you to spend time with an ex-boyfriend. Would you like him to spend time with an
ex-girlfriend? I don't think so. He sounded like a bully until I read the next sentence. You need to decide what you want.
Do you want to be married or not? If so, delete that ex from your life. It isn't fair to your husband and your marriage. I'm not sure that his trust issues are unfounded. Leave the ex boyfriend alone.

Answer 6

I certainly understand him not wanting you to spend time with an ex boyfriend. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you honestly feel good and be alright with him spending time with one of his ex's?
If that is why he has a trust issue and is giving ultimatums, I understand where he is coming from. You shouldn't put yourself in a situation that could lead to something bad.You are married now and your ex boyfriend should be just that....an ex!

Answer 7

I personally hate ultimatums. They are usually given by intolerant, inflexible people that are unable to cope with the normal methods that most others have of solving problems which are discussion, debate, and compromise. it is impossible to say whether i would stay married to such a one as this as there is surely much more to it than this. Show him this answer and any others that you may get and keep trying to make it work until you have exhausted all reasonable possibilities. Best of luck!

Answer 8

An ultimatum gives a person a sense of power. If he has serious trust issues you might consider honoring his wish that you stop communicating with your ex b.f. If the situation were reversed would you want him keeping in touch with his ex?

Answer 9

Well he should not be issuing ultimatums, but then you should nt be spending time with your ex boyfriend, which is the reason for this. So in this particular case I think you are to blame.

Answer 10

I would say no from a guys point of view. If you cant trust one another and he is that insecure, what quality of life do either of you have. You are going to do what you want to do and so is he and there is nothing that either of you can do about that. Without trust there is no relationship.
GA Gurl's Husband

Answer 11

NO!!!!!! women always say, oh itll b ok, hes not like that. u MUST understand that this is a sign of abusive behavior. u will have 2 leave him now or later. do u want 2 wait until he starts 2 hit u or do u wanna leave now wen u feel ur not risking ur life if u do? i noe this sounds reelie scary but ive studied this kinda thing. im not sayin uve done anything wrong im jhust sayin if u care about URSELF uyll find the courage to leave this man before he does something rash. im not trying 2 scare u, btu if thats wat it takes 2 make u realize...then so be it. do alil research. google "spousal abuse" or something like that, just try n find some article that tells the warning signs of an abusive relationship n u will likely find some that fit. it wont b easy, but u will prolly need 2 leave this man......STRENGTH 2 U AND WOMEN WHO R SUFFERING THE SAME...