My own 16yr. old daughter, confided in me that her younger step-sister who is 15 has started having sex with her boyfriend. My daughter made me promise not to tell anybody what she was going to tell me before she told me. She specifically meant my husband or anyone who would tell my husband or his ex-wife. So you smart alecs out there who are going to write I shouldn't be asking this because it breaks that confidense please don't bother. Unless you are a parent, step-parent, or a teenage girl who could add some insight from one of those perspectives I don't need a bunch of people answering just to get a couple points. Sorry to be so grumpy but some of the answers on here are ridiculous and I want some honest serious feedback to my honest serious question.
2007-03-28 12:24:40 · 22 answers · asked by horsenuttss 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My husband only has joint custody which means weekend visits every other weekend. Now that she is 15 if she has school activities or work that conficts with the visit she just skips the visit. His ex-wife has been the one with the real authority. As for watching her better I will give credit to his ex-wife because she does go the extra mile and asks the questions, who are you going with, where will you be, who will be there, what will you be doing, and be home by ... I don't know many teens who will say I'm going with my boyfriend to park by the lake and have sex in answer to those questions.
2007-03-28 12:41:14 · update #1
I don't think my daughter would never do such a thing. I never said that. She knows that when she decides to become sexually active that while I do not approve I want her to tell me so she can get on the pill and have more infomation than just the "talks" we have had or whatever the school tells them. I have a daycare in my home and it has probably been a great deterrant to her that she has chosen not to have sex yet. She doesn't want to risk as she puts it "ending up with a smelly, snot nosed, crying baby". I know the day will come that the "passion" will be worth the risk to her I'm just glad that is hasn't happened yet.
2007-03-28 12:49:52 · update #2
You only have two choices..
You tell him or you don't...
2007-03-28 12:34:52 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Never been into your situation. I have a 6 and 1 year old girls so I know already what to expect. I started having sex at 15 and hell yeah it was terrifying for my parents to get a hint on what I was up to. So my advice to you is be as friendly as you can to your step daughter and dont act like you know it all, drop on hints, tell her stories during your age and see if she can relate herself to you and can open up. The ultimate goal here is for you to save her from further damage in her life.
About the hubby, I suggest you do your homework first before telling him. Nothing beats a girl-to-girl talk and you would understand her more than him.WIth the first wife, if she is really that open minded about the possibilites of what can happend let her understand that you are both teaming up to make sure nothing gets worst. If shes in her proper mind she will understand that what you are doing is to help her as a parent also and not to sabotage things.
Being the step-mom doesnt mean you have to be on the back seat, trust me you will be appreicated from what you did.
2007-03-28 12:52:36 · answer #2 · answered by stilettofan 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Step daughter or not, your husband has the right to know, then this way the two of you or her mom can get her to the Drs and get her some form birth control as we all know that no matter how much we may preach about not having pre marital sex it just might happen and it is better to help the daughter be safe as to be "wondering" what if. It is not going to do any good to tell her she cannot have sex as she will just rebel and do it more often. If it were me I would tell her dad.
2007-03-28 12:45:39 · answer #3 · answered by nickle 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If your relationship with the girl is good, I would try to have a sit-down talk with you, YOUR daughter, and the step-daughter. (OK it with your daughter if you can, but tell her you will do it even if she objects).
Stay very calm throughout the ensuing discussion...but stress the danger in being sexually active so young. Educate her if you can, or make arrangements to accompany her to an educational session at a doctor's office or Planned Parenthood if you can't.
You need to stress that you are NOT condemning her, but are CONCERNED for her health & well being. Unfortunately, in these crazy days, an unwanted pregnancy is a SMALL problem---unprotected sex can be a death sentence nowadays!!
I sure am glad I had sons (although I had to counsel a couple of their girlfriends...)
2007-03-28 12:42:01 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
i think the first step is to talk to your step daughter make sure she is being protected and from that point i would just put your self in his shoes would you want him to tell you? you need to explain to your daughter that the only time you have to tell someone is when someones life is at risk and hers is she could get a std or end up pregnant and both of these things can and will ruin her life since she is so young and as a parent if she where ever in harms way you would want some one to tell you now if you think he will not React well and you have a good relationship with her mother i would even consider calling her first so she can deal with her daughter and then when the daughter is not home sit down with your husband and tell him try to ask that your daughters name be kept out of it if possible just say i think its happening but not sure or i have a pretty good idea it is or i over heard her talking about it instead of saying my daughter told me so that why it keeps her in the clear! good luck!
2007-03-28 12:34:49 · answer #5 · answered by peterpansdate 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
No you should not tell your husband or his ex-wife. Your step daughter will probably deny it in order to get herself out of deep cocka-doodle doo, and then you will appear to be the villain in the situation. His ex wife will think you are just attempting to stir up a dramatic scene. And what's worse, you will appear to be a know-it-all-buttinsky tainting their daughter's reputation while assuming that your own daughter would "never stoop to such a thing"....
Think about it, it could go that direction....
2007-03-28 12:38:58 · answer #6 · answered by Andrea M 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
dont tell your husband... just do the "sex, pregnancy and protection talk" ... he doesn't need to know right now... and don't even sound like you know anything, you will ruin the bond the two girls have... i know it's complicated but after you advice your kids how everything should be... then you can tell you husband... and tell him what you did... cause they will keep on doing it... there's nothing you can do about it... but at least you made a difference by talking to them.... it does work.
you can scare them about viruses and stuff.... life in college... being successful.... that scared me when i was a teen but it didn't stop me from doing it... it just made me smarter and used protection ALL THE TIME....
you're gon need some good luck with this one...
ohh and stop being grouchy... life is short... and i know you can tell. LoL
2007-03-28 12:37:59 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe there can be a way for him to find out with out telling him... it is hard to take a deciton because if you tell you can loose the trust of your daugther .... Why don't you try talking to her I don't know how it is your relationship with her but say that to overherd a conversation with your daugther and mostly talk to her about protection that way she eill not ruin her life and maybe you can suggest to talk to her mom to trust her that way when ever she has a problem she will be abl;e to help ... But if she feels more comfortable with you then be her friend not her step-mom and give her good advices on how to be sexually responsible .. I don't really think her mom or dad need to know about this maybe she is not an adult but if she is responsible for her acts I guess it will be fine but also she can go with one and another when ever she wants ... that it is not safe... so please I guess the best to do will be this frist talk to her advicer her and talk to your hubby make him understand that she is exploring in a way but you have talked to her and that your daugher trust you on not to tell and you are telling him because there should be communication between you too but, he needs to keep this just the way it is not to make a big deal ... She needs to learn to be responsible of her acts .... Thuis is what I think ...good luck !!!
2007-03-28 12:48:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
With so many unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, etc. these days one of the parents should be informed. They need to get this girl on birth control and talk with her about sexually transmitted diseases. If your husband has a good relationship with his ex, tell him and let him tell her. The sooner the better. It only takes one time for her to be pregnant and then it is a harder problem to solve.
2007-03-28 13:22:41 · answer #9 · answered by curious74432 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes! Tell him. I was in the same situation as you are and I made the choice to tell her. I always told her kids that they could tell me what ever they wanted, but just know that if it's something that I feel their father should know, I'm going to tell her. My wife was angry and a basket case for a while, but she pulled it together and had open conversations with her daughter.
2007-03-30 00:12:01 · answer #10 · answered by Boston Bluefish 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
YES for God sakes tell her parents!!! She is 15 years old and under their care, if she gets a STD or pregnant guess who will be footing the responsibility and bill?? MOM and DAD! They can talk to her about sex and get her on birthcontrol and make sure she is aware of stds and condoms. teens think they are invincable, she has to have guidence.
As for promising your daughter not to tell you need to sit her down and explain that you need to tell for her stepsisiters safe being. You're a parent first not a friend...don't forget that.
2007-03-29 01:15:15 · answer #11 · answered by swtlilblonde31 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋