Is this what happenes when girls get married to older guys?

Question

My husband and i have been married from last 3 years.....he is 7 yrs older to me....so he is now very succesful in his career and now on a totally different stage in his career... am just begining my career....am 23 and he is 30 .... we are both very far apart and in different worlds... both have our own diff taste and sense of humour and also deal with different issues of life in general!!!!! Ever since last year and half he has grown so distant...thats when he shifted into an exec job. I feel so disconnected from him. He is always disrespectful towards me cos am nothing in life(am still to find a job and grow in career etc) ...and he has achieved a lot already...and has a lot of arrogance associated with it! ... i feel so lonely and disconnected!...why does this happen? Is it cos some men only love thier jobs? or disrespect people who are not as succesful as them??

To someone who said i cannot spell executive ..... I wrote the short form of it!! And i am a masters graduate, just 1 month left to finish my masters in information systems!! ...
And please dont be so rude to people when answering. If there is nothing useful you can say, you are not obliged to answer. Thank you.

Ratsoo,

Thank you very much. Your answer allowed me to see things from a totally different and a more mature perspective. I appreciate your effort in writing such a detailed answer to my question. I totally agree with you, its true that when men do not stop developing until they reach 40 or 50, and perhaps we need to realize that people do change and we got to do what has to be done to not let those changes affect our personal lives. Thanks again....

And thanks to all of you for giving me these insightful answers.

Answer 1

I'm a guy and I suppose you could call me an executive and this point of view is based on what I went through at those ages. I am now in my 40's

First off.... most men do not finish developing their personality until past 30 (or even 50 ??). He is probably at the 'junior' executive level where a taste of power has gone to his head, yet he doesn't have the kind of authority at work that'd he like. So he's acting out his frustration on you.

Secondly... arrogance and disrepect is possibly an integral part of the management culture. He's either got to adopt and mimic this or get left behind. This happens a lot more than most people realise in small to medium enterprises. To start and grow a real successful small/medum business a degree of arrogance is required - how to direct it productively is a personal development challenge it took me years to learn.

Thirdly.... From his perspective, how could you possibly understand the pressures, demands, and intricacies of the business he is in. You are outside the loop and therefore much less important to him just now.... he doesn't understand the importance of separating business from non-business, and most likely he hasn't yet developed the personal skills to do so.

Oh, BTW, until you actually do experience this it is hard to understand it. You may have a Masters, but that's just Kindergarden in the real business world.... counts for very little as true business talent can't be taught.

Fourth... if his mentors/superiors are divorced, separated, or the "mens-men" type he will be encouraged to join in their activities at the detriment of any relationship stuff. Business at upper levels is all consuming of ones time and attention and things like g/friends, marriage, kids, etc are accumulated when neeeded but not allowed to distract from the import things (money and power).

So... it is possible he's just getting a taste of this culture and either he'll dive in head first or he'll suddenly realise what is happening and pull back.

You need to get his undivided attention and tell him loud and clear exactly how you feel. Don't get brushed off. This sort of confrontation may be what he needs to sit back and take stock of his personal development as well as his professional development. It certainly opened my eyes to what I was becoming and changed my life.

BTW, be prepared fo him to decide carrer/money and power are more important. In this case get out and leave him to find the fascile, money-hungry, materialistic, trophy-wife he deserves.

Answer 2

Well, i dont think this is such a serious problem which cannot be solved! I guess you should let him know how you feel...well may be he has so much responsibilities, managing and controlling people that is making him more stressed and less interested in anything else! ... he has got to change his habbits! He has got to realise every person needs to be loved and respected the same throughout thier lives, no matter what stage of life you/him are in....well who knows you could be more succesful than him when you are 30, you do sound like a woman who has the ability to be more succesfull professional.... so dont let yourself down honey. Sometimes things get better ONLY with time. He'll soon realise what he is missing in life! And also you work hard and focus on your career now!...... and yea every person who is fresh and dedicated to be succesful is like an "Unpolished diamond" ... with the right cuts and polishes you can shine like any other diamond too!!...good luck dear

Answer 3

Age has nothing to do with it. Some people you're compatible with - and others, not so much. If your husband has a propensity towards being arrogant and disrespectful, he will be this way - no matter what age you are. My husband is a few years older than I, and is much more successful in his career than I am (financially speaking) - but it doesn't come between us. He fully respects what I bring to the table, and I wouldn't have it any other way. There are many ways to contribute to the family besides having a stellar career; if your husband wants a career woman, he should have married such. He didn't fall in love with you or marry you for your career; he needs to remember why he got married to you in the first place, and start appreciating you for who you are. Perhaps you two are just not compatible, and it might have nothing to do with your careers. This is something you have to figure out for yourself.

Answer 4

23 years young with a Masters shows you have a lot on the ball. Success is just around the corner for you, then watch his attitude change. I'm in IT as well and earn more $$$ and have more responsibilities than 90% of most Executives. Best wishes to a future IT Exec.

Answer 5

(No one is being rude, hon, but what and how you write indicates your education level, short cut or no short cut. 'cos' 'diff' 'i' (lower case) indicate not only a lack of education, but of intelligence. Perhaps the respondent was wondering if your husband had outstripped you in brain power, and you were just finding it out...after all, the correct spelling of the words above is a 6th grade accomplishment.)

Now to your question: There are always periods of adjustment, and if he is doing well in a career, and you have yet to finish your education, and launch your own, you may each be finding that your roads are going off in different directions. This is not uncommon. And couples often forget that to keep their relationship alive, they must work at it. That means "date night" and other things that you once did together. If you both like plays, see some. If you both like symphony, get season tickets. Share time with friends over a beer and pizza. And read the book below. It is written by the sex therapist in the country today... lots of hints on how to keep your interest and love alive.

Good luck, hon.

"For You Both" by Lonnie Barbach anywhere in paperback, and cheap at 6 times the price...........

Answer 6

Oh honey... unfortunately, I think you married someone who likes being in control and feeling like they are the more powerful partner. I don't know what to tell you because I am in a similar situation and have yet to figure it out for myself, but you need to make some decisions about your future. You are very young and your whole life is ahead of you. Please, whatever you do, do not sink yourself further into this by having children until you feel like an equal partner or have gone the other way and left him. Feeling like garbage is no way to try to live your life, and when we get treated like trash, over time, we tend to start to sink down to that level and start to act like it. Take care of yourself, and take pride in the fact that you're only 23 and already embarking on your career! As you become more independant, you might find that his tune changes because he realises that he isn't the almighty bread winner that he believes himself to be now. Just keep doing your best and do whatever it takes to feel precious and worthy. You truly are, and you truly deserve to be respected.

Answer 7

Yes. He married a girl, whereas he was already a man. However, that doesn't mean you can't make it work. At your age, you already should be done your post-secondary education and started on a career. And, yes, men often want a wife who is his equal - but then you have to go with why he married you, and why you married him. Guys sometimes just stick their all into their work, because that's what they think is the most important. Your job as a wife is to let him see it's NOT the be all, and end all - especially before you have children.

Answer 8

If i had to guess, I would say that your hubby is having an affair (I am so sorry) but all of the signs, the disrespect, being "disconnected", seeming so separate from you. I would confront him with all of this, if he does not want to be fully, totally your partner, to hell with him, move on, life is too short. Do not sell yourself short girl, you have great worth, and you deserve to be treated like the fine lady that you are!! Age has NOTHING to do with this, your husband has a character flaw that has been there since birth, he sounds like a prick to me.

Answer 9

the world tells men to justify their existence and self worth by seeing what they have accomplished at work. Executive, corner office, big $$$, the world says that person is doing just fine. BUt who wants to judge their life with a world filled with hate, corruption, greed, and scandal???? A man should be strong in his faith, strong and protective of his wife, and a leader filled with the Holy Spirit to guide him.

Answer 10

This does not happen because of your age difference.
It sounds like his job has gone to his head.
What do you mean, you are nothing in life? You are an intelligent, woman, don't put yourself down.
If he is disrespectful to you, and you don't have anything in common anymore, maybe you need to divorce him and move on with your life.