Should I stay for the kids or follow my heart?

Question

I am married with a great man. He is everything I wanted. Great father and great husband, the only problem is...I'm not in love with him anymore. I am used to him. I tried to rekindle my marriage but it didnt work. I kept thinking about him. 3 mo. ago, I met up with a guy that I went to high school with. In high school, we were completely in different crowds and didnt hook up. But now, we have so many things in common. The only thing is...he is in a rocky relationship and they have a 5 month old baby and I am married with 2 beautiful girls. I want to leave and he says he wants to leave. The feelings I have for him are undescribable and I am sure he feels the same way. He says he is waiting for me to file the papers before he leaves his girlfriend. Should I believe him? Do you think I should stay with my husband for my kids? I know what I am doing is wrong and I know at some point, karma will kick me in my ***. But I cant help how I feel about him. What should I do?

Answer 1

Well if your husband is a great guy then you need to remember the commitment you made to him and not just run off with another man because lust is blinding you, so you are not in love anymore? were you ever in love or were you in love with the idea of being in love.. just because you dont have butterflys does not mean anything, and this other guy might be exciting now but in a few yrs you wil fall back into the " im not in love anymore situation" and end up divorced again! Thats the problem with people these days they think once that exciting feeling is gone it is time to move on..thats not how it works. I am not saying stay or go, just know that since there is nothing your husband is doing wrong then this means this is your problem and you probably will never get true fullfillment out of a relationship unless you get help..you will continue to search for something else, just because an old highschool friend comes around and you feel an attraction that does not mean to leave your husband and start a new life, and just because this guy claims he is leaving his wife does not mean he is, i have heard plenty of men say that and they have no intentions of doing so, be careful you dont want to end up in a bad situation

Answer 2

I think what you are feeling is maybe just stuck in a rut. You can rekindle the fire in your marriage, you just have to work on it. The feelings you have for this other guy is because you never hooked up in high school, and you think you have so much in common, doesn't mean it is good. Why didn't you hook up in high school? Different crowds wouldn't of stopped any of that. All he is something new, exciting, and happy that he might be available. I wouldn't trust this clown and say something like, I am waiting for you to leave first. What the heck is that....all he is doin' is trying to make you think that the grass is completely greener on his side. Why does he want to leave his girlfriend? Is it because now there is some responsiblility and he is not willing to take on that? You have to look at why he wants to leave. Things are hard when you first have children (and you should know you have two), but those things are always fixable. He is a jerk if he leaves his newborn and you are an idiot if you believe him.

Karma will get you, and it could always be twice as hard as when you left it. Think about family. It is always easier to leave a problem, than to work on it. To many people are splitting up, and divorcing. It is to easy to do. No one wants to work on issues anymore. Laziness....I speak from experience...we work at it everyday, and I love my family and never give them up for anything. If you are willing to toss your family away, and all of the other issues that will come in to play...you are an idiot.

Answer 3

Forget about what you feel for the other guy for a moment and take a look at your marriage. Would you leave it if there wasn't someone else? From what you describe it sounds at least liveable, maybe even pleasant.

So who gets the kids? Who's going to pay for the kids in the future? What about his child?

Or are you two just planning on riding off into the sunset and living in blissful ignorance?

I won't denigrate you because of what you feel or make blanket judgements that its wrong, because if the marriage is over for certain then perhaps it is a favour you will do to your husband and kids by leaving it - rather than making their lives a misery as it dies the death of a thousand cuts.

But.... after 3 months you've judged this new guy to be perfect long term relationship material (or so it sounds).

You sound very immature and you need to step back and take a long hard look at this... you are screwing with peoples lives here, its no longer all about you.

Answer 4

I think you and your high school friend are just going through personal problems at home and find comfort in each other. But I wouldnt get a divorce for something thats not really secure. You both are in relationships which are going rocky. If you get a divorce, be single for a while, dont hop into another relationshiip just becuase you feel your in a unhappy marrage now. Also I would talk with your husband about how your feeling. Who knows maybe he is feeling the same way or doesnt know and is willing to make adjustments for you. There may be more there that your not seeing. Also you have to seriously look at the big picture, your girls may have some feels of being betrayed especially if you divorce their father then get with another man. Just take your time and really review your relationship and situation. Im not saying stay married when your unhappy because in the end thats going to be seen in your relationship. But dont rush into another one just right away. Ålso I wouldn't fully trust a man that says 'you get a divorce first then ill break up with my girlfriend.' Im sorry but that doesnt really sound right becuase if he really wanted to get out of the relationship then he would. It wouldnt matter if you left your husband or not because he would just want to get out of his relationship. Just watch out when it comes to that. Well I hope I was helpful good luck on that.

Answer 5

Yes Karma is a b(8&^%. And Karma will surely come knocking. Your husband that you say is a wonderful man will become hateful toward you, and disalusioned with the world, he'll never be able to have a caring relationship again.. Your children will resent you for the rest of your life for destroying their father and tearing up their home. They will literally hate your new boyfriend for breaking up the family. But why worry about how your actions will effect the man you describe as a "great husband, great man" or your two beautiful daughters, not to mention his wife and child?
People can handle a divorce when the reason is that one is terribly unhappy or the two are not compatible. But once it comes to infidelity and leaving a spouse for another the whole game changes. Your boyfreinds child will also resent him and she will always hate you. The first thing you should do is go into your daughters rooms and tear up anything they love, that will help them learn that they have to live with tragedy in their lives. But hey, as long as your happy.

Answer 6

The day to day responsibility of raising children can really cause stress on a marriage - especially if you and your husband do not spend time quality time alone. I think every couple has had doubts about their marriage at one time or another.

Bottom line is when you married your husband - you made a decision to love and honor him for life. Marriage is not a feeling - it is decision - a decision to make it work when things get tough. With some time and attention (and commitment) - you can revive old feelings. Great guys are really hard to find.

If the other guy is willing to cheat with you with a newborn then I am not sure if he qualifies to be in the same category with your husband.

Best of luck.

Answer 7

Okay what about this scenario, you file for divorce, then your new guy decides he doesn't want to leave his girlfriend, stay with your husband...do whatever you can to make it work, you guys will be wrecking your kids' lives as well as his 5 month old (who will be fatherless)...I hope you stay for the better of good...please remember that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence even though it may appear to be that way. If your husband is so wonderful, you can find a way to stay with him....ask yourself this question: Would you mind if your husband was seeing another woman? If your answer is yes, then definitely stay, if you say no, then maybe you should separate.

Answer 8

2 wrongs don't make a right and what you stand to lose is considerable. First how will you look your girls in the eyes and tell them, your family, and your friends. I guess you could take the easy way out instead of working on your marriage like seeing a marriage councilor or have you even talk to your husband how things are getting bad for you...Saying you fell out of love with your husband is just sad.....The other thing to run through your mind is......What does it say about a man who would leave a women who had his child and that child is only 5 month old. It tells me that he's a scumbag...........

Answer 9

If you leave your husband, you are completely wrong. This totally breaks my heart. I just got married July 29th. I made a committment to love my wife "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...til DEATH do us part", not until some stupid lustful fling came along. You aren't always going to feel "in love" You CHOOSE love.

You don't make decisions based on emotions that are dangerous. You need to forget about this new guy with bagage. Your husband and girls are going to be devastated. And I could almost guarantee that you will be MISERABLE within about 2 years if you decide to go after this so-called new lover. You are experiencing LUST. It has nothing to do with LOVE. CHOOSE love. You can be better than this.

Get some counseling, and read a book called "The Five Love Languages". Make every attempt to stay together! You have no good reason to leave your husband and put a bad taste in your daughters; mouth. They need you to step up an be good parents. They need you to follow what you committed to each other from day one!!

You need to choose to love your husband like he loves you. You will get through this time, and maybe you will even fall in love all over again. You need to find reasons that you love your husband. You need to praise each other when you do something good for each other. You need to spend more time together as a family. You need to ignore these bad emotions dealing with this other guy. It is just emotions and they will also die. They are a fantasy that the grass is greaner on the other side of the fence. Stop being a COW!!

Answer 10

Love is a choice. When you married your husband you promised to love him for the rest of your lives. You are looking outside of your marriage for solutions, but you should be looking inwards for yourself as well as your children. Being "in love" is a fleeting feeling that eventually becomes meaningless compared to the long-term devotion and deep committment that comes from years of being together. It is only society that says that you have to be "in love" all the time. That feeling of excitement is not love, but lust.

Look for things in common with your husband. Find things to do together. Spend more time together as a family. Suggest marriage counseling and finding ways to bond again. By leaving you are also teaching your girls that committment and marriage mean nothing if someone finds something "better". Is that a lesson you want them to learn? Because it will crush their perfect world. Think about their future too.

You would destroy more than just your own life, but the lives of both your children, not to mention your relationships with your children. It isn't worth it. You should stay with your husband for you, for him, for your kids, for the promise you made on your wedding day. And you should make the choice every morning to love him and only him because that is what he deserves.

Come on, you said yourself you know it is wrong. Turn away for good and don't look back. Recommit to your marriage and family.