My husband was rough with my son today?

Question

have a 16 year old son who is very rebellious. Which i am to understand is perfectly normal. My husband keeps confronting me about it saying that its out of hand and that his attitude needs to be handled. I'm a bit more laid back about this but my husband comes from a strict family. When I got home from work a couple hours ago my son had a black eye and he wouldnt tell me what happened. My husband felt it was appropriate to whip him and punch him which i strongly disagree with. Apparently the school called about him failing his english class and my husband lost all control. I didnt find that to be a exscuse for what he did. He has never punished Corey before without discussing it with me first. What am i suppose to do about all this?

Answer 1

Firstly, go read what Dawn H said.

She got it, as they say, in "one".

I came from a strict family. I had the occasional tanned backside from my father but I always knew what I did, knew the boundaries, and what would happen if I crossed them, and the punishment was never arbitrary or more than I knew I would receive. I do not think that you need corporeal punishment. What is needed is consistency and, if you say the child is going to have "x" punishment for "y" behaviour, "x" punishment should be able to be enforced and be enforced immediately.

I see what the "laid back" parenting is producing and it is disasterous. "Laid back" parenting is producing a generation of hooligans.

That being said, your husband was out of line... very. I would be concerned that he might escalate. Your son's behaviour IS going to escalate and I am certain that your husband shall become more volatile as this occurs unless something is done fast. I really do not know how to advise you but I would be very concerned. Losing control is very dangerous.

Personally, I would be very concerned about this situation and discuss it with a professional, maybe a mental health professional? It might have been a case of "boy pushing dad to the breaking point" but dad needs control regardless. I have a sneaking feeling that a bit more happened than just the grade. However, a black eye is ALWAYS excessive. They would be able to advise you better than any of us.

Your son also needs help... severely. Where he is headed is a bad, bad road. The discrepancies between your parenting styles is aggravating his rebelliousness. He is, most likely, playing you against your husband. I can also tell you that arbitrary and excessive punishment is going to escalate your son's bad behaviour as is lax parenting. I also suggest discussing this with a professional.

Actually, it sounds like your whole family needs to seek professional help.

Answer 2

Nothing, if it has never happened before I seriously doubt your husband is becoming abusive, I don't agree with what your husband did but I honestly think that it was just a moment that both of them got out of control.

I would keep my eyes open for signs and I would discuss it with my husband in private away from my son so that you don't appear to be defending either side. But let him know that this type of behavior is unacceptable and needs to end now.

You also need to talk to your son and without making excuses for your husbands actions let your son know that both of their behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop.

If they will enter into counseling then that may be a good way to open lines of communication and get rid of some hostility by being able to vent. In a safe environment.

Answer 3

That is no longer disciple and is now abuse. Punching a child in the face is illegal and I would call the police or child and family services to see if they can offer you some help and support. Your husband needs to be removed from the household. He has crossed a line! If you wait until your son tells someone then you might also lose your child and he will end up in foster care. I worked in the system and a lot of times they act first and ask questions later!

Answer 4

As a mother of two sons and a daughter, I was horrified at your husband's abusive behaviour. No matter what your son has done, his father's action is unacceptable. What concerns me, is the fact that your son attempted to hide the fact from you. It indicates a possiblity that such abusive behaviour may well have occured in the past. Certainly if it has ocurred once, it is likely to occur again.

I am not a person who believes in allowing young people free reign to do what they wish, whether it is related to home or school.

You may wish to read the following page: http://www.moms-home-safety.com/familyfun.html

To quote myself (as written on my website)
"...Being safe physically is important, but not if that is all you concentrate on. It is important to be safe emotionally as well. Each person in a family, and especially children, need to know where they stand with each other, this makes for an emotionally healthy family.

Parameters are an essential part of any child's life. Without basic family rules and regulations, young people have a tendency to run wild. This is not good for them, and it is not good for you as a parent. (Even disciplinary rules can become part of the family fun time).

Your rules and regulations should not be cast in stone. There should be a little flexibility. e.g If your evening meal is set for 7:00pm, do not consider it a train smash if for some reason or another it needs to be moved to 7:30pm on a particular day.

......As regards older children I had very few rules in my home but those were : Let me know where you are at all times; Don't lie; don't cheat; Don't steal ; and treat everybody with respect, until such time as they force you to lose faith in them, in which case, remain polite, but avoid that person whenever possible. Those rules were all I ever needed then and now."

The above quote, is directed at your son, and maybe at you. Discipline is important. It is also important, that if a rule is made, e.g. all homework must be completed before going out to socialize, or playing computer games, then that rule must be maintained and enforced (without brutality) otherwise you are giving your child mixed signals and a poor grounding with regard to his future.

Unfortunately, not knowing your family history, I can only suggest that all three of you attend counseling. Alternatively, sit down and talk to each other - but more than that, LISTEN to each other.

I wish you all every success for a safe and secure future together

Look after yourselves and be safe

Sandy
http://www.moms-home-safety.com

Answer 5

Confront your husband about it, and also talk to your son. You must demand that he not hit your son again like htat. It is not acceptable at all, he needed to maybe ground him and ask what was the problem in that class, and see if he could help him get his grades back up, not hit him, now you may be living with the fear of some sort of revenge you could call it from your son, like running away, or failing even worse, or dropping out of school, or trying to attack his father,which will in turn lead to more abuse. I have thre children and would never think of laying a hand on them, the best way to punish is to take away what they love the most, Phone, video game, TV, friends.....and so on.. well good luck.
dont forget to dmand that he neer hit him again. not cool.

Answer 6

Hitting a kid is never acceptable - never. Disciplining is often necessary - grounding the kid, taking away car priveledges, curfews, taking away video games, cutting phone time, etc. If your husband lost control and hit his son, there are anger issues here. You should get him to see a psychiatrist or a therapist to control his temper. An anger management class may also be appropriate. To have this continue would endanger your kid and possibly you as well. If he refuses to go, I would consider moving out. You do not want to live with someone that is physically abusive. If you do nothing about it, he can and may become worse and you stand to lose not just your husband but your son as well.

Answer 7

First, your husband, if he is the one that did it, did overstep his bounds. BUT if your son is rebelling to the point of failing classes in school, he has rebelled way to far. True discipline of a child is putting up set punishments for stepping outside set boundries, and enforcing them consistently. I have seen the results of a 'laid back' attitude towards 'rebellious teenagers', and it is not good.

Your husband should apologize to your son for losing control, YOU should apologize to your husband for not backing him in his effort to control your son, and you BOTH need to work together to get him under control before all three of you regret it.

Answer 8

I have punched someone out of reaction before. Maybe he didnt mean to. Your son is 16. He is probably pretty good size. Maybe they were screaming at each other. You said your son is rebelious maybe he got in your husbands face like teenagers do. Get a hold of your son before the police do.

Answer 9

number 1. He punched him and that labeld child abuse in any state! I would inform your husband he can go to jail for what he did to your son. I have a 16 year old son as well. They have minds of their own and are learning to become men. Your husband better hope the school doesn't call CPS on him. I would sit your husband and son down in front of a counselor. Your husband may have grown up in a strict home but things are way different today than when we grew up. He needs to adjust and let go. Your son is almost grown up. They are having the clash of the household men. One becoming one and one forgetting what it was like becoming one. Remind your husband today strict discipline can land him in jail and your son removed from your care.

Answer 10

This sounds like a scary situation. Is he that aggressive most of the time? That's not a good thing, if so. Confront him and tell him that whipping your son is not going to do anything to teach him a lesson. Tell him that he should take privileges away, but he SHOULD NOT get physical with his son. This could lead to major problems with their relationship in the future and Corey could start to "turn sour," if you know what I mean. I know that once a person starts to become physical like that, he might be more encouraged to act in such ways if his behavior gets the right outcome. He could therefore start to become quite abusive. You may also want to seek counseling with him. It does not sound healthy.