Do you think this is a good poem for a 1 year anniversary. It's for my girlfriend. What's wrong with it?

Question

Of many moons turned dusk,
none shall be more badly adored than our first year.
Beauty as true to cause Heaven to blush.

The angels dared not percieve that our first kiss would spark a promise land in its own that they dare not believe,
and God, our witness, would hold you and me a cloud higher to lend our trust into setting us free.
A hand to hand walk through destiny's gate,
we made it before it closed.
We made it before our day fell late,
before eternity faded and washed away unto the shadows.

It's like an endless dream portrayed as we parade it, because above the pain and doubt
we made a promise that our love would make it.
My world beheld a lifetime felt to unfold before my dying hour.
The gleam of our passion streams far to be seen atop Heavens highest towers.

God be our angels, and beauty be the creator.
4 seasons spoke true that eternity has begun.
From a hug, to a kiss, to love, to our first anniversary, and to a thousand more to come.

Answer 1

it's cute i dont think theres anything wrong with it

Answer 2

"Beauty as true to cause Heaven to blush"

I've heard this before...be careful about plagiarizing.

In your first paragraph:
"badly adored"....is there a better word? Badly doesn't fit in the context, it feels like it should be a softer tone right there...2 syllables are right...but there should be an "f" tone or "s"...something that goes well with moon's', du's'k, 'sh'all, fir's't....it should have a romantic flare and when read aloud that soft tonality and rhythm should be there, the word "badly" tends to break that unity.

The poem is great. However, don't get offended if she doesn't understand...

Happy Anniversary!

Answer 3

If my boyfriend gave me this on our 1 year anniversary, I might have found it a bit much--but that depends on the depth of you and your girlfriend's relationship and intimacy.
Critiquing-wise, I would highly suggest changing the "badly adored" to something more like "intensely adored", "passionately adored", "dearly adored", or just plain old "adored". You feel something badly, you don't adore something badly.
"A hand to hand" also sounds a bit awkward. You might want to consider changing it to "Hand in hand, we walk..." or "Hand with hand walk(s)..."
Also don't get so carried away with great, elaborate words that your meaning is lost or hard to follow. Make it simple, and throw in some really good words when you want to stress something. Beauty is found in simplicity as well as elaborate imagery.

Read it over again to make sure that what you mean is clear and that the words are honest (I'm not doubting their honesty). But make sure that the poem is you. It would be out of character for MY boyfriend to give me such a flowery poem--I'd prefer him to be honest and himself. If this is you, then I'm sure your girlfriend will love it, but use honesty above all else.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Is this about your future together or death........................... it's a bit on the 'dark side'.
I, most definately, would NOT give anyone this for a 1st Anniversary gift!
If you wish to have more anniversarys with this person - then the poem needs to be more on the 'brighter side' and references to your future together - other than just the last line.

Answer 5

even i find "badly adored" a bit awkward. it doesn't portray a meaning.

regarding the poem its a good one.
she will like it!

but if i would have been in her place...i would want a simpler poem. just like a kid's! i mean innocence is wonderful! :)
oh well that was my opinion but your poem is still good! :)

Answer 6

aww yes thats really sweet...yeah you should give that to her!

Answer 7

If she loves you, as apparently she does, she will love this.