Help! Would you please help me to edit this paper/letter? Thanks!?

Question

Dear the Rice Committee on Admission,
I’m a transfer applicant to Rice University. While I was completing the transfer application, I realized that the application did not fully represent me. Thus, I would like to seize this opportunity to tell you more about me and my reasons for wanting to transfer.
I came to the United States from China more than six years ago. At first, I could not speak any English which made adapting to the new environment very difficult. I remember vividly my mother taking me to Rice’s campus during my first weekend here in America in order to motivate me. As I was strolling pass by its mesmerizing architecture, I immediately knew that was is where I wanted to go.
For me, education feels like a race. When asked to describe my high school experiences, I would proudly say that I finished the race like a champion. While my peers were raised in the American culture and taught the Western ways of thinking, I stood alone with my Chinese ways of understanding the world. I had to learn everything that they knew and took for granted in a compressed four years. Starting the race from far behind, I picked up my pace little by little. I believe that if I was given more time, I could have been the best. Knowing that I could overcome any challenge thrown my way, I thought I was ready to come to Rice.
However, I was not accepted. At first, I blamed this “failure” on my late start as an American student since I did not have the credential and experiences that my peers had. But looking back, I have had the most unique experiences and have made the most out of every opportunity. When I was still attending junior high school in China, I had the honor to be among one of the first to join the Junior Communist League. Despite the convention, which entails that the league members do what they are told, I took initiative and organized the first fundraiser that our chapter ever had. It is quite amusing to think of those twelve-year-olds walking around, and knocking on doors with shoeboxes in their hands and asking for donations. But the fundraiser was a success. We raised fifty US dollars for under-privileged children in China. After I came to America, I participated and organized a few fundraisers for a women’s shelter. However, even though the same initiative and leadership still resided in me, I was unable to do anything as successfully as I did seven years ago. I believe that I will be able to utilize my qualities through Rice’s programs and student organizations. With its welcoming environment and an active, diverse student body, Rice offers endless opportunities.
Even though the news of me not being able attend Rice was disappointing and heartbreaking, it was never discouraging. I started my college race at full throttle and finished the first semester with a beautiful score. Initially, I thought I worked hard because I was preparing to re-apply to Rice, but discovered later that this is who I am: a perfectionist who never gives up.
While I will be deeply honored if I can have the privilege of attending your prestigious institution, I know now that the acceptance will not define me. Instead, it will signify a new beginning and a new race, one in which I will finish with my best ability.
I would like to thank the Rice Committee on Admission for giving me this opportunity to reveal more about myself.

Answer 1

Cut and paste it in a word processing application and run the spell check and grammar check on it.

Answer 2

***I copied & pasted your letter and made what are appropriate changes, in my opinion. I hope it helps, good luck with Rice, you sound like a good young man!

Dear Rice Committee on Admission:
I am a transfer applicant to Rice University. While I was completing the transfer application, I realized that the application did not fully represent me. Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity to tell you more about myself and my reasons for wanting to transfer.
I came to the United States from China more than six years ago. At that time, I could not speak any English which made adapting to the new environment very difficult. I remember vividly my mother taking me to the Rice campus during my first weekend here in America in order to motivate me. As I was strolling past the mesmerizing architecture, I immediately knew that was was where I wanted be.
For me, education is like a race; when asked to describe my high school experiences, I would proudly say that I "finished the race like a champion." While my peers were raised in the American culture and taught the Western ways of thinking, I stood alone with my Chinese ways of understanding the world. I had to learn in a four short years everything that they already knew and took for granted . Starting the race from far behind, I picked up my pace little by little. I believe that if I had been given more time, I could have been the best. Knowing that I could overcome any challenge thrown my way, I thought I was ready for Rice.
However, I was not accepted. At first, I blamed this “failure” on my late start as an American student, since I did not have the credentials and experiences that my peers did. Looking back, I have had very unique experiences and have tried to make the most of every opportunity. When I was still attending junior high school in China, I had the honor to be among one of the first to join the Junior Communist League. Despite the convention, which entails that league members do what they are told, I took initiative and organized the first fundraiser that our chapter ever had. It is quite amusing to remember those twelve year-olds walking around, knocking on doors with shoeboxes in their hands, and asking for donations. The fundraiser was a success; we raised fifty U.S. dollars for under-privileged children in China.
After I came to America, I organized and participated in several fundraisers for a women’s shelter. I believe that I could utilize my leadership qualities in the programs and student organizations at Rice. With its welcoming environment and an active, diverse student body, Rice offers endless opportunities.
Although the news of not being accepted to Rice was disappointing and heartbreaking, I was never discouraged. I started my college race at "full throttle" and finished the first semester with a beautiful score. Initially, I thought I worked hard because I was preparing to re-apply to Rice, but soon realized that this is who I am: a perfectionist who never gives up.
While I would be deeply honored to have the privilege of attending your prestigious institution, I know now that acceptance would not define me; instead, it will signify a new beginning and a new race, one in which I will finish to the best of my ability.
I appreciate the Rice Committee on Admission for allowing me the opportunity to tell you more about myself.

Answer 3

To Whom It May Concern:

I am a transfer applicant to Rice University. While completing the transfer application, I realized that the standard application did not fully represent me; Thus, I would like to seize this opportunity to tell you more about myself and my reasons for wanting to transfer.
I came to the United States from China more than six years ago. At first I could not speak any English, which made adapting to the new environment very difficult. I remember vividly my mother taking me to Rice’s campus during my first weekend here in America, in order to motivate me. As I was strolling past it's mesmerizing architecture, I immediately knew this was where I wanted to fulfill my education.
For me, education is like a race. When asked to describe my high school experiences, I would proudly say that I finished the race like a champion. While my peers were raised in the American culture and taught the Western ways of thinking, I stood alone with my Chinese Culture's views of understanding the world. I worked hard to learn everything my peers knew and took for granted, in a compressed four years. Starting the race from far behind, I picked up my pace little by little. I believe that if I was given more time, I could have been the best. Knowing that I could overcome any challenge thrown my way, I thought I was ready to come to Rice.
However, I was not accepted. At first, I blamed this “failure” on my late start as an American student; I did not have the credential and experiences that my peers had. Looking back, I feel I have had unique experiences and have made the most out of every opportunity presented to me. When I was still attending junior high school in China, I had the honor to be among one of the first to join the Junior Communist League. Despite the convention, which entails that the league members do what they are told, I took initiative and organized the first fundraiser that our chapter had ever had. It is quite amusing to think of those twelve-year-olds walking around, knocking on doors with shoeboxes in their hands and asking for donations. The fundraiser was a success and we raised 50 US dollars for under-privileged children in China. After I came to America, I participated and organized a few fundraisers for a women's shelter. However, although the same initiative and leadership still resided in me, I was unable to do anything as successfully as I did seven years ago. I believe that I will be able to utilize my qualities through Rice’s programs and student organizations. With its welcoming environment and active, diverse student body, Rice offers endless opportunities.
Even though the news of my not being able attend Rice was disappointing and heartbreaking, I would not allow myself to be discouraged. I started my college "race" at full throttle and finished the first semester with a beautiful score. Initially, I thought I worked hard because I was preparing to re-apply to Rice, only to discover that this is who I am: a perfectionist who never gives up.
While I will be deeply honored if I am granted the privilege of attending your prestigious institution, I know now that the acceptance will not define me. Instead, it will signify a new beginning and a new race, one in which I will finish with my best ability.
I would like to thank the Rice Committee on Admission for taking their time to consider me for acceptance, but also giving me this opportunity to reveal more about myself.

Answer 4

Not too many changes, but here are a few inserted [also, I might add that it might not be wise to specifically mention having been part of the jr communist committee - in most circles here that would be a minus, not a plus; maybe you can mention it as some sort of jr committee without using the actual name]:

Dear Rice Admission Committee:

I am a transfer applicant to Rice University. While I was completing the transfer application, I realized that the application did not fully represent me. Thus, I would like to seize this opportunity to tell you more about me and my reasons for wanting to transfer.

I came to the United States from China more than six years ago. At first, I could not speak any English which made adapting to the new environment very difficult. I remember vividly my mother taking me to Rice’s campus during my first weekend here in America in order to motivate me. As I was strolling by its mesmerizing architecture, I immediately knew that was where I wanted to further my education.

For me, education is like a race. When asked to describe my high school experience, I proudly say that I finished the race like a champion. While my peers were raised in the American culture and taught the Western ways of thinking, I stood alone with my Chinese ways of understanding the world. I had to learn everything that they knew and took for granted in a four years. Starting the race from far behind, I picked up my pace little by little. I believe that if I was given more time, I could have been the best. Knowing that I could overcome any challenge thrown my way, I thought I was ready to come to Rice.

However, I was not accepted. At first, I blamed this “failure” on my late start as an American student since I did not have the credentials and experiences that my peers had. But looking back, I have had the most unique experiences and have made the most out of every opportunity. When I was still attending middle school in China, I had the honor to be one of the first to join the Junior Communist League. Despite the convention, which entails that the league members do what they are told, I took initiative and organized the first fundraiser that our chapter ever had. It is quite amusing to think of those twelve-year-olds walking around knocking on doors with shoeboxes in their hands and asking for donations. But the fundraiser was a success. We raised fifty US dollars for underprivileged children in China. After I came to America, I participated and organized a few fundraisers for a women’s shelter. However, even though the same initiative and leadership still resided in me, I was unable to do anything as successfully as I did seven years ago. I believe that I will be able to utilize my qualities through Rice’s programs and student organizations. With its welcoming environment and an active, diverse student body, Rice offers endless opportunities.

Even though the news of my not being able to attend Rice was disappointing and heartbreaking, it was never discouraging. I started my college race at full throttle and finished the first semester with a beautiful score. Initially, I thought I worked hard because I was preparing to re-apply to Rice, but discovered later that this is who I am: a perfectionist who never gives up.

While I will be deeply honored if I can have the privilege of attending your prestigious institution, I know now that the acceptance will not define me. Instead, it will signify a new beginning and a new race, one in which I will finish with my best ability.

I would like to thank the Rice Admission Committee for giving me this opportunity to reveal more about myself.

Answer 5

To whomit may concern/ Rice Committee on Admission;

I’m a transfer applicant to Rice University. While completing the transfer application, I realized the application did not fully represent me.
Therefore, I would like to seize this opportunity to tell more about myself and my reasons for requesting a transfer.
I came to the United States from China more than six years ago. At first, I could not speak any English, which made adapting to the new environment very difficult. I vividly remember my mother taking me to Rice’s campus during my first weekend here in America in order to motivate me.
As I was strolling past its mesmerizing architecture, I immediately knew that Rice University was where I wanted to go.
For me, education is like a race. When describing my high school experiences, I proudly say I finished the race like a champion. While my peers were raised in the American culture and taught the Western ways of thinking, I stood alone with my Chinese ways of understanding the world.
I had to learn everything that they knew and took for granted in a compressed four years. Starting the race from far behind, I picked up my pace little by little. I believe if I had been given more time, I could have been the best. Knowing that I can overcome any challenge thrown my way, I felt I was ready to come to Rice.
However, I was not accepted. At first, I blamed this “failure” on my late start as an American student since I did not have the credential and experiences that my peers had. But looking back, I have had the most unique experiences and have made the most out of every opportunity. When still attending junior high school in China, I had the honor to be among one of the first to join the Junior Communist League.
Despite the convention, which entails that the league members do what they are told, I took initiative and organized the first fundraiser that our chapter ever had. It is quite amusing to think of those twelve-year-olds walking around knocking on doors with shoeboxes in their hands, asking for donations. But the fundraiser was a success.
We raised fifty US dollars for under-privileged children in China. After I came to America, I participated and organized a few fundraisers for a women’s shelter. However, even though the same initiative and leadership still resided in me, I was unable to do anything as successfully as I did seven years ago.
I believe that I will be able to utilize my qualities through Rice’s programs and student organizations. With its welcoming environment and an active, diverse student body, Rice offers endless opportunities.
Even though the news of me not being able attend Rice was disappointing and heartbreaking, it was never discouraging. I started my college race at full throttle and finished the first semester with a beautiful score. Initially, I thought I worked hard because I was preparing to re-apply to Rice, but discovered later that this is who I am: a perfectionist who never gives up.
While I would be deeply honored by the privilege of attending your prestigious institution, I know now that the acceptance will not define me. Instead, it will signify a new beginning and a new race, one in which I will finish with my best ability.
I would like to thank the Rice Committee on Admission for giving me this opportunity to reveal more about myself.

Answer 6

Dear Rice,
You turned me down once. Dont make the the same mistake twice. I know where you live.
Sincerely,
Student
Much more direct and to the point

Answer 7

are you serious?