We have been together for 6 1/2 years altogether 4 at the start and 2 1/2 since I came back from working overseas. I know thats a long time without getting married but we had never talked about it or anything but about a year ago that changed.
She started to mention it and then she asked me which I made an excuse to put off but after 9 months of pressure and her crying about it I gave in but said I wanted a long engagement and we wouldnt get married for a long time. That was only 4 weeks ago but already our moms and her have started planning it and trying to get me to agree to dates and stuff.
Our moms are childhood friends and I have known my fiancee all my life and its gonna cause alot of problems but I need to stop this wedding but i dont want to break up with her..I will lose someone else very close to me if I cant get this wedding stopped.
I want things to stay as they are I dont want all this.
What can I do.
Serious answers only please.
2007-03-28 06:02:21 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
There is alot more to this that I cant write all down but its a whole big mess and I dont know what to do.
2007-03-28 06:03:21 · update #1
Both you and she should listen to the Tom Leykis show, you can find listings or listen on line at http://www.blowmeuptom.com
3-8 pm pacific.
The fact is that if you and she like your relationship now, why fu*k with it. Marriage will change it and not necessarily for the better.
Do you have a pre-nup? if not you stand to lose 1/2 you worth if things go south, seriously dude even if it means losing her don't do it.
If she is the one for you ,a wedding won't make or break the deal.
Take the answers from the women with a grain of salt,remember they are biased. ** There is no advantage for men to get married. The advantage is to women,that advantage is she gets 1/2 your stuff if you break up.
Marriage is not about how much you love each other ,it is a legal binding contract that is to her, not your advantage.
2007-03-28 06:19:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 4⤋
I would just reiterate that you want a long engagement. Why don't you want to get married that would be a good starting point? Are you afraid things will change? That the dynamics of your relationship will change? Or are you just wanting to keep the exit open?
Here is the deal. She loves you. You, I'm going to guess, love her. If she wants to get married she has that right as does every woman. You have every right to NOT want to get married, as does every man. You can't expect her to give up her right to appease yours. There is no way to put this off without losing her and you need to decide if that is really what you want.
If you think your relationship will change and you aren't comfortable with that, then that is a crappy reason. Your relationship changes no matter what as you grow together and as individuals. Married or not but marriage alone will not change the mechanics of your relationship. If you think the dynamics will change, they might but not much. If you are just wanting to keep the exit open then be a man and cut her loose NOW before she gets any more invested into this already dead relationship.
You can't make her not want to get married. If you dont' want to get married that's fine, but you need to tell her and then tell her that your mind will never change and if she can accept that then you will love her forever. If she cant' then she needs to move on to someone that can give her what she is looking for. If she is willing to stay from that point then she has willingly given up her option to marry you and she needs to be comfortable with that. Sorry guy, there is no non-messy way out of this one without looking like an assmuncher.
2007-03-28 13:14:51 · answer #2 · answered by kauai_lvr 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are right when you said 6 years is a long time and I can see how your girlfriend is ready to take the relationship to a higher level of commitment, such as marriage. Since you are not ready to take this final step, you must be honest with her, and expect to lose her. It is not fair for her to continue a relationship with you when there is no promise of a future. Maybe if you can see why it is you hesitate to marry her. Is it because you are not ready to commit to her, or is it because you do not love her enough to marry her? Either reason, you cannot marry anyone until you feel you are ready. If this is the case, then you must let her go to find someone who will be willing to give her what she wants or she just might waste another 6 years. Best of luck on whatever you decide.
2007-03-28 13:13:16 · answer #3 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i was going to give you all this advice about how to break it to her easily and just say you origionally wanted a long engegement and 4 weeks wasnt what you had in mind.
& to tell her you still love her and want to spend the rest of your lifes together..........BUT......
instead of giving you that advice i read on further to where you say... "I will lose someone else very close to me if I cant get this wedding stopped."
another woman? if thats the case you shouldnt get married to this woman.... you say you dont want to break up with her but really 6 1/2 year together... its kind of like that saying... "**** or get off the pot" what did you want a 3 year engagement... if a woman has to PRESSURE you into getting you to commit to an engagement that should tell you something right there... you dont want to.... your not ready...
if someone is getting in the way of you wanting to marry her and your worried about losing the "other person" then your just kidding yourself if you cant be sure after 6 1/2 years then save your "fiance" anyway you can now and just break it off with her... im gettign the vibe the only reason your with her is because of your familys and how close they are.....
dont kid yourself any more.
2007-03-28 13:15:55 · answer #4 · answered by AC 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Honestly... Me and my fiance are totally different. We got engaged about 3 weeks ago and are getting married April 14th. Cause me or him neither one wanted a long engagement. Just tell her you want to get married on some date like 08/08/08 or 09/09/09 etc. Don't rush into, just talk to her. You can set a date for 3 years from now and still start planning now and not be ready 3 years from now. Seriously is she doesn't agree to wait with the marriage and wants to do it ASAP, she's not the one for you. I'm sorry, but if you love someone you will do whatever it takes to keep that person happy. If it meant waiting 3 years to get married. Do you live together? If not you could let her move in, and see where things go from there. You can date someone for years but when you start living with them you learn little annoying facts about them that just drive you crazy!
Good Luck with whatever you choose!
2007-03-28 13:10:45 · answer #5 · answered by angel2005_2001 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
6 and a half yrs is quite a long time and it is sad because you wasted 6 1/2 yrs of this girls life...knowing darn well that you had no intentions of marrying her...you do not love her enough to marry her. i think you need to break it off completely so you can set this girl free so she can find a nice loving man who loves her enough to marry her because you do not. she does deserve life long happiness. you do too, but seems to me like you have commitment issues or someone on the side or both. just be honest with this girl. do not string her along anymore...shoot 6 1/2 yrs is a long time to string some person along. she will resent you and so will ur mom n her mom, but it will be better than u ending up marrying her and have a few babies then divorce her down the road now that is worse so save yourself that expense and cut her loose so she can pursue a life with someone who is willing to love her and cherish her because seems to me like you do not love or cherish her.
2007-03-28 13:50:35 · answer #6 · answered by NEWPORT BEACH GIRL 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey, buddy...you have got to put your foot down NOW...you do not want to marry this woman, no matter what you say. IF after all this time, you still have committment issues, they are not going to change. You are being very unfair to this lady, you have prevented her from finding new love for 6 1/2 years, have no intentions of marrying her, and you wonder why others are pushing for a committment????
It is time to tell the truth to someone, and it better be the very nice lady you are screwing around with. IF you do not want to marry her, tell her so..quickly, bluntly, and let her move on. Yes, she will survive the loss of you, regardless of what you think. You need to put it on the table, then move on with your life also. What you are doing is plain old cruel, I don't care HOW MUCH of the story you haven't told. You have said enough to let us know that you do not want to get married. NOW tell her! AT least be a man about it. You are being a weasel as it is...not very nice.
2007-03-28 13:10:12 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 1⤋
Who is the "someone else" you will lose if you dont stop the wedding?? Is it a girl by chance? I dont know, but if it is another woman, You need to end the engagement and let this poor girl you are with find true happiness! She doesnt deserve to be cheated on...
IF that isnt the case and its not some other woman, then you just need to be honest. Tell your fiance that you are NOT going to pressured into setting a date by anyone and when the time is right you will let her know. I hope for both of your sakes that this situation is the latter and not you cheating on her.
2007-03-28 13:09:42 · answer #8 · answered by Angel Eve 6 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Im sorry but why dont you want to get married??
Do you live together?? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?? If you do then marriage isnt going to "change" anything drastic except bring you guys closer, just because you get married doesnt mean you have to jump and have kids right away.
It sounds like you have commitment issues or shes not the one. And either way you need to tell her how you feel. And that you were pressured into being engaged and your just not ready yet. You will hurt her, and may lose her. But if your not ready by NOW to get married, I dont see how you ever will be. Especially if you have known this woman your entire life. Its not fair for her to give up what she wants out of life because you have commitment issues.
I am sorry if I am being harsh, but I was in a relationship that was going no where with marriage and if it did it would of been me pressuring and that will not make either of you happy. Feeling like a man married you because he didnt want to lose you not because he wants to really hurts. And she needs to make the decision whether she wants to be in a mariageless relationship, or not.
There is no way to get around this I am sorry. You cant make her life unhappy because your afraid of losing her. If you love her you will be honest and straight forward, and who knows. Maybe she will back down on the marriage idea until your ready.
But again it really sounds like you have some commitment problems and may want to seek help for them.
2007-03-28 13:12:10 · answer #9 · answered by Zenthae 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
You've got to man up break this off then. If you don't want to be married to this woman whether it's for this special someone you'll miss out on or because you're just not into her, walking down the aisle now is just going to lead to a divorce with two lifelong friends (aka your parents) pointing fingers at which child is to blame for the breakup. You owe it to everyone involved to break this off.
2007-03-28 13:50:58 · answer #10 · answered by Deep Thought 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋