I was miserable for many years and then made a horrible mistake in getting involved with another woman. We did not have "sex", but it was still terribly inappropriate. My wife found out, filed for divorce and has not spoken to me in almost ten months. I confessed to her and asked her to forgive me but she has refused. I know I cannot "make" her forgive me, and as a Christian she feels divorce is justified under scripture. She simply tells people that she will never trust me again and refuses all suggestions of reconciliation. We have a 5 year old daughter who is a terrible victim in all of this and my heart is broken for my daughter. I felt complete shame for what I did, but have made my peace with God. I want to restore this marriage for the sake of my daughter and I know I can be kind and loving to my wife.
2007-03-28 05:16:35 · 26 answers · asked by crhdj20 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
All you can do at this point in time is give it completely to the Lord. You say that you have sought His forgiveness and that you know He forgave you, but you're not completely trusting Him to do what He promised. Give it up!
Tell your wife that you are extremely sorry for your actions and that you only want her to be happy. Tell her that she deserves to live a happy life and that if that means she has to find someone else to provide her that happiness, then you are willing to go along with whatever she decides. In other words, stop trying so hard to win her back because in doing so you are exhibiting selfishness. These will be some of the hardest words you have ever spoken, but right now it's not about you, it's about her.
Be sincerely willing to move on and sincerely willing to let her move on, if that is what it takes for her to be happy again. We all know that that is NOT what God wants and if all parties involved will simply think about the other person before thinking about themselves, then God's will will be done. It just takes authentic trust in Him.
Have a blessed day!
2007-03-28 05:45:35 · answer #1 · answered by JV 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are going to have to try and communicate this with her. There will never be a day where she doesn't think about it, and you will never be able to have that same relationship that you had with her. She may forgive you, but it always be in the back of her mind. When you argue it will come out, in subliminal messages or body language, or maybe she'll just come right out and say it. You will never be truly forgiven, and your relationship will only be the worse for it. Maybe you should give her some more time, or maybe you should should just let her go. If you want to see your daughter, that's a whole other issue, and would have to be worked out between the two of you. Have you offered to see a counselor? My husband and I have been together for 7 years. Before we were married he did cheat on me, and he told me, and he has never done anything else along those lines. I do however think of it a lot when we are arguing, and from time to time it does come up. But you have a child. So whatever your feelings are for your wife, that child comes first. You may never get your wife back, and that is her decision. Some women are good with second chances, but some don't take any crap. Just keep that little girl out of it, and tell your wife not to go putting bad thoughts about you and bitterness about you into her little girl's head. Keep her out of it. Even if you two are not together, that little girl deserves a good life, and it is possible. You and your wife need to make the grown up decision and agree to that much.
2007-03-28 05:27:21 · answer #2 · answered by buebla 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I honestly think that if your were unhappy for all these years like you stated, why would you want to make the marriage work? I understand you feel bad the you hurt your family the way you did but, thats not a reason why you should want to get back together. Your daughter should also not be a reason why. That's just an excuse. You should be able to be happy and if you weren't, the right thing would have been was to leave. You can't reflect on the could of, should of's but the best thing is to try to meet at a medium for the sake of your daughter so you can continue to be apart of her life. It would be really impossible to work on your marriage considering she won't even speak to you. You need to give her time and space, she's hurting right now and probably even depress and of course angry. Working your marriage out is not in the best interest for anyone including your daughter. She needs to know you are both happy apart then fighting and agruing and upset around her.
There were many reasons why you cheated and that has to stand for something...Unfortunately, that was your way of dealing with the misery. Allow her to find her peace....
Best of Luck****
2007-03-28 08:19:34 · answer #3 · answered by Yvette D 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your wife is right in that it is okay to divorce if adultery is committed. And quite honestly, even if you have asked for forgiveness and truly mean it, there's nothing you can do.
If she doesn't feel comfortable trusting you and desiring to work on things, that is perfectly justifiable. YOU are the one that did this, not your wife. YOU are the one that put your 5 year old little girl in this position, not your wife.
I know some cases of friends who had similiar situations and the wife chose to forgive and work on it, it has been the hardest road ever but God has been glorified through it. As He would in your situation.
However, is she doesn't want to there's nothing you can do. You need to live with your consequences, respect her, and work on yourself and your relationship with God instead of worrying about her.
If she wants to make it work she'll come back, if not... you should respect and understand that.
2007-03-28 05:27:32 · answer #4 · answered by crimsnclover 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Why did these things all become so important for you after what you have done? Why did you deliberately insult your wife as a human being with feelings after what you did? How can you ever make it right? are you kidding? Sometime if there is enough there to make it right but most of the time it is not fixable. Why do you think betrayal is so much avoided because there is not anymore love left for a cheating spouse, you should of thought of this before you did it. That is why we are adults and are responsible for our own actions. I feel sorry for your child and no I am not sure you can take that and fix it. I think your marriage is over unless she may go to marriage couseling with you so you can both see if its possible at all to stay together. Take care Heather
2007-03-28 05:24:31 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You say you were miserable for many years, and that led to this mistake. I know you are sorry for the mistake now, but let me ask you this - if you were miserable before, what would make things better now?
Besides, your wife sounds like she would hold the mistake over your head forever, and no one needs that.
It's hard on children when parents divorce, but it's just as hard when the parents are miserable too. Since your wife is not interested in reconciling, the only advice I can give you is to make your peace (which you've done) and try to move on with your life while being the best father you can be.
2007-03-28 05:22:27 · answer #6 · answered by Kiwi 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
If you were "miserable for several years", why do you want to go back for more? I know there is your daughter, but to live with a woman who makes you miserable? This is not good for you or your daughter, really!
Adultry, even 'almost' adultry, hurts tremendously! It seems to reverberate, on some level, throughout one's life. Some people can forgive and give it another chance, others, well the hurt/anger fills them with revenge/hate.
You need to give this a rest. Think only of your daughter!! Call her, send her stuffed animals, cards, take her out to parks, lunch/dinner. Make sure she knows you. DON'T pull her in two directions!! Children do not understand adult issues, it is confusing and hurtful to them!!! When she is old enough, she will 'get the picture' and understand more.
I get the impression your wife is on an unforgiving path and the more you 'beg'will just fuel her fire. Let her go.
2007-03-28 05:41:09 · answer #7 · answered by Eve 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Obviously your wife is furious right not. Do not attempt any further action to get her back. Just stop for a while. Whatever you say and do will not change her mind at this point. Simply let her go for now and pray. You said you made peace with God, good for you. Pray for your wife, pray for your daughter, and pray for yourself. Seek God's forgiveness first and seek your wife's forgiveness later. If you truly repent of your wrong doings, God will forgive you and God will touch your wife's heart. Don't worry too much. Worrying will not get you anywhere. Be patient and pray.
2007-03-28 05:24:53 · answer #8 · answered by Victoria78 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you did not have sex with another woman, then where's the adultery? If there was any body contact, or, if you engaged in some kind of intimate communication, then you must amend this assertion and stop parsing words. While these days it is very easy to engage in online flirting (which, while inappropriate if you are married, is not adultery in the strict sense), this in itself is not terribly egregious. If you are going the Jimmy Carter route, in that you "lusted in your heart," join the several other million people who have done the same. If there was indeed some kind of intimate "sharing," you can turn this around, but it will be very hard and you have to accept the fact that your efforts may not always show immediate results. You say you want to do this for the sake of your daughter, but what about the love for your wife? It's not enough if you do not include this in your attempt at reconciliation, for your wife would not want you to stay with her merely because of your daughter even if you say you could be "kind and loving" to her. While your daughter is absolutely important, she should not be the sole reason for you wanting to stay together. Do you want your daughter to grow up in an environment of stress and discontent? Your wife has been deeply hurt, and you will have to do everything in your power to put her above everything, especially yourself. Your ultimate goal has to be to convince her that she is your only one from now on and forever, but first, you must convince yourself. If you can't do this, then you are setting yourself up for failure. Sever all connection with whomever you were communicating. Revisit all of your memories of you and your wife; photos, letters, movies, videos and re-catalog them in your memory. Plunge into all the events leading up to your falling in love with her and after. Let these fond memories guide you back to where you want your relationship to be. If your wife can see that loving look in your eyes again, you might have a chance. Best wishes~
2007-03-28 05:44:34 · answer #9 · answered by Finnegan 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You don't restore a marriage for the kids, it needs to be for your wife because you love her. If you would get back together with her and you or she would be misserable the kids can feel that and would be misserable too.
If your ex wife is so sure that she can't trust you again its no use of getting this marriage back together just for the kid. Just make sure you will always be in you daughters life though because she will need you even if your not together with her mom!
I hope it will all be okay!!
2007-03-28 05:24:02 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋