My husbands interest are else where, please help???...?

Question

My husband is at a point to where his friends and his ball playing (which is where his friends come in also) are his main concern in his life. He treats me okay when we are by ourselves but, when his friends are around he either doesn't know who I am or is sometimes rude to me in front of them. (All of his friends have wives and girlfriends that hang out with them too, wherever one of his friends are their wife or girlfriend is there too and I'm friends with their wives and girlfriends.). He acts happier if I don't hang out with them. When we get home the story changes, he wants all of my attention then. This is very difficult for me. We used to play ball (coed), workout, and hang out together all of the time, even with his friends. Now, that I'm on the "back burner", sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't know how to handle it or what to do. I've lost my absolute best friend. Any suggestions? I believe in divorce only for adultery so that is not an option.

Answer 1

Sorry this is so long... I am glad you aren't considering divorce. :) Sometimes to get our spouses attention, we need to be super nice. Maybe for a month you could not hang out with his friends, but be really sweet to him while he's at home. Make him the foods he likes, give him a back massage, and so forth. Is there anything out in public that might bother him to have you with him? Are his friends talking about topics he'd rather you not hear? Have you belittled him by mistake or on purpose in front of his friends and he's now nervous? Could he maybe have slipped and said something bad about you one day in a moment of weakness or anger and now he's constantly afraid it will come up? It could even be that one of the others just isn't as sure of themselves when you're around, and it's something, that if you know about, you can quickly fix by having a nice talk with them. Maybe he saw you talking nicely to one of the other men and thought you were flirting? A million and one innocent things could be taken wrong, and he could be silently stewing about it, which is just as bad for him as for you. I'd ask him first what is up. Ask him if there is some reason for the hostility when you are out with friends. Men treating their wives that they treat like princess' when they are alone, but like the plaque when out in public, usually just have something they want to get off their chests. Maybe he wants time with just the guys. It is VERY HEALTHY :) for men to hang out with men only, just as it's very healthy for women to have times where it's just women around. Friendships with the same gender are very crucial to who we arel. Talk with him about how you feel, if that won't work, try the month away from his friends, but being great to him while he's home. He may just want to make sure you love him and is nervous that he might not measure up to the men on his team, and maybe needs a confidence boost. I wish you all the best! :)

Answer 2

Boy do I hear your pain!! I'll start out by saying that there is NEVER an excuse for being rude!! Having said that, I do have some ideas around this.

He's an 'attention getter' kind of guy and is at the center of his own universe! These people appear fickle, selfish and care-less and in some way, they are. No doubt!

You feel used and abused...like his 'doll/teddy' that he picks up at his own whim and lays down without a thought. This hurts, big time.

I assume you have tried talking to him about this and none of it penetrated Mr. 'thick head'. (Oops, sorry).

You defiitely need to 'buck up' and GET A LIFE within this life!! This will require A LOT of creativity!!! Drum up some fun with the other gals at these get-togethers...knitting, crocheting, scrapbooking, all 'the girls' are going out together, guys...shopping, Starbucks, flower arranging, dollmaking (for a local children's hospital), a game of poker, anyone? Use your imagination! Don't keep looking to him to fill this void! It will kill you...it is killing you! In fact, cast your eyes away when you feel yourself straining for a crumb of his attention.

He will be relieved that you are 'coming into your own' and maybe a little nervous that you are too good at it. His respect will certainly change. Strong (and selfish) men need to have someone stand toe to toe with them...otherwise, they lose total interest!

You don't believe in divorce (that may be too bad), but meanwhile, forget about him....you grow girl!! Whatever you can think of to stretch yourself...keep growing. You may find him whipering at your side for a little attention!

Answer 3

I don't know, some times my wife feels the same as you seem to, because when I am with friends I don't want to give her as much attention. I figure she has me all the time and the brief times with my friends are not that much.
I am concerned that you used to share much more and I still think you can recover that, but marriage has a way of changing people some times in some ways.
In my house, we schedule times to discuss these kinds of issues so that we can sort out our thoughts and feelings prior to meeting. Then we sit at the mutually set time, to discuss them. This works out most of the time except when some body breaks the "appointment." I think this is better than counseling most of the time because we set our own structure and don't limit the time of discussion unless we have to take a time out if there's too much disagreement. But you two seem to have a lot of potential if you work at it. You can work this out. Ask for the "conference time" and then tell him, "it feels very bad being on the back burner". Tell him.

Answer 4

You sound to me like a terrific partner. I think there is more going on then the friends. Your relationship is on the "back burner" based on something else. The friends sound like time spent in avoidance. Something is ringing a respect bell for me. Lack of respect for you in some way. Sometimes women give toooo much and lose themselves in the process. Try exploring your own interests. I imagine you have already had the discussion regarding how you feel about his treatment. If he did not respond to this by adjusting his behavior, you can not control that. You can control yourself. Out of your taking back control of yourself, you might find renewed interest on his part.

Answer 5

It sounds like he wants his cake and throw it around some to. I'd get a life, separate from interacting with him just so there is an escape for you. When he puts you down in front of his friend, PUT him in his place right then and there. So if adultery is the only reason you'd divorce him, where does trust, honesty and respect come into play?

Answer 6

when he goes off for "guy's time" all the girls should get together and have a girls night! i think it's natural for relationships to change and maybe spend a little less time together because you know that no matter what you do, you're going home to that person and sometimes you need your space so it's nice to hang out with other people too! but if you don't feel you're getting enough attention sit him down and tell him. ask him if maybe you can joing a coed team or set aside certain times where you guys have relationship time

Answer 7

First of all, you need to tell him exactly what you have written here and ask him why he treats you this way. Try setting up a double-date with one of his friends and the friend's wife - like a picnic, movie, dinner. Or ask the friend and his wife over for dinner, etc. If your husband seems OK with this and isn't rude to you, then invite another couple for a double-date and see how that goes. Wish I had more ideas. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

I've experienced same thing that you are going through right now. My man acts like I am invisible when his friends are around and when we come home he is all over me. His action confused me often. When I asked him to do something it takes forever for him to do it, but when his friends ask for a favor he is up and running. I tried everything.
I mean I talked to him, I argued with him, I yelled at him, I ignored him...I mean everything. Whenever I talked to him about this kind of behavior, he changed for couple of days but later back to where we've started. My mother told me not to get involved with a man who loves their friends more than anything. And she was/is right. There is nothing you can do to change your husband. Getting a divorce over this is too dramatic. You have to keep remind him that when he is around his friends he acts and talks different and often ignore you. You'll get tired of telling him the same thing over and over eventually. But if you love him enough, you should be able to deal with it.

Answer 9

You really need to communicate. If he is unwilling, you may have to go with an ultimatum. I mean, you have to stand up for yourself. Let him know that you are feeling like this. Maybe see a counselor...I personally wouldn't, but hey, if communication isn't working, something is wrong. Why did you get married? How long have you been married? This information is vital. How old are the two of you? Etc.

Answer 10

He probably resents you being there all the time and is starting to see you as an anchor. Give him his space and some alone time. When he is hanging out with them, do your thing. when he comes home, appreciate him. He'll start appreciating you more, too if he doesn't see you as the person who follows him everywhere.