I need help. I can't stop comparing myself to others.?

Question

I know that deep down I should not do this but I can't stop. I've had all the pep talks, but it just seem as if it's impossible for me to be happy with myself. I'm not suicidal, but I'm 21 and I have never been truly happy in my own skin. I obviously need help.

Answer 1

Everyone compares themselves to others. Admiring a role model is actually a positive example of this.

The problem is that in youth we are not yet who we will utlimately be, so it's hard to be happy with who we are. It's as if we aren't there yet. So as you make the journey of your 20s, a good goal will be to complete that process, to gradually build more comfort with who you are.

You do that by continuing to work on your knowledge, skills, experience, goals, plans, relationships and personal strengths. At some point you'll be able to say, "I like who I am. I'm not perfect, and I'll never be. But I have many strengths, and I continue to learn as I go and get stronger. I can accomplish almost anything I put my mind to. I'm the kind of person other people should want to be with."

You'll still compare yourself to others, but not so much, and not in a needy way.

Answer 2

You CAN stop. Tell yourself that you CAN stop to start with. This sounds like a simple lack of confidence and, to be honest, very common in people your age.

What healthy folks do when they're comparing is they're really just gathering data - "I like how that girl has her hair. I'd like to adapt that look for myself" "I like that that girl is working on her degree in psyc. I'd like to do that."

Instead of comparing and bashing yourself, see this as an exercise in gathering data and realize if they can do it, so can you. You might even talk with a few of them for ideas and advice.

On the self-esteem front, be aware of the messages you are constantly feeding yourself. When you give yourself a negative, give yourself a positive. Make it into a game. You catch your reflection in the mirror and say, "I hate my hips" - well, counter that, "Hey, these are MY hips and they work. That's a good thing. Besides, I have gorgeous eyes."

A cognitive-behavioral therapist can help you tap into and change your thoughts, and therefore the way you're talking to yourself and therefore, the way you feel about yourself.

You'll get there, girl!

Answer 3

There are billions of people on the earth who feel just as you do.

God made you unique, there is and never has been any one else exactly like you. He loves you, just as you are.

How then, can you compare yourself to anyone else.
Celebrate your uniqueness and then, focus on other people's needs instead of yourself. This will bring you happiness.

Answer 4

How wonderful you recognize this in yourself. Many people are stuck in this trap without realizing it is harming them. It takes awareness to mature and find comfort with yourself. You're not alone as it is a step people must make to become adults. Here is writtings from Ms Harkins & Ms De Blasi. I think you will find the information a start to help you focus on where you want your sucess to be.

"Success
by Marie Harkins and Camille De Blasi

Have you ever noticed that, although everyone would like to be successful, people have very different ideas of what "success" means? For example, in some countries, being successful means having many children. But in other countries, large families are viewed as "contraceptive failures."

How we define success is very significant, because it points to what we think is most important in life. In other words, success has everything to do with how we view happiness. (If you haven't read about the "Four Levels of Happiness" yet, we encourage you to do that first by clicking here.)

Success 1

From a "Happiness 1" point of view, success is defined as having nice things and living comfortably. Of course, there's nothing wrong with having nice things or living comfortably, but if I'm stuck on Level 1 (living only for Level 1), I will probably start to think that success equals having lots of expensive clothes, driving a fast car, living in a big house with my own massage spa, and eating gourmet food for lunch every day. If I define happiness as only "Level 1," then I will not think that anybody who is poor can be successful, and I will overlook some of the most important things in life things like family, friendship, community, and faith. This kind of an attitude will lead to never being satisfied with anything I have. Eventually, I will find that the old saying: "The person who dies with the most toys wins," is an empty promise.

Success 2

From a "Happiness 2" point of view, success is seen as winning, control, power, achievement, and popularity. Again, there's nothing wrong with wanting any of this. Whether someone is a famous movie star, a gifted athlete, a successful entrepreneur, a leading professional, a top student, or the best person that he or she can be, we all have lots to offer to the world through our talents and accomplishments. But if the only reason I want to be an achiever is to make my own ego bigger, then I will become a pretty miserable person to be around. When we believe that success means being better than everyone else and making sure everyone else knows it, life becomes a nightmare of suspicion, jealousy, fear of losing, and low self-esteem - not to mention missed opportunities to make a difference in the world and to do good for others.

Success 3

Happiness 3 (making a difference in the world) causes us to ask the question: "What are the positive contributions I can make to other individuals and toward the common good?" In Level 3 I would believe that, even if I didn't earn a lot of money or have recognition from others, my day was successful because I spent time with a needy friend, listened to a troubled family member, wrote a letter to a lonely person, or comforted someone who was suffering. In the process of seeking Level 3 success, relationships are strengthened, character built, and priorities set straight. Level 3 allows us to cooperate with one another and to rejoice in the good that others accomplish. Still, Level 3 success must be directed toward Level 4 in order to remain healthy. Otherwise, it becomes easy to place too much importance on personal heroism, in which case I might begin to believe that I have to save the world and be everything to everyone. Such an attitude, besides being impossible to follow through on, plummets us back into Level 2, leaving no room for humility, gentleness, concern for others, or compassion toward the weak and vulnerable.

Success 4

Happiness 4 (faith in and surrender to God) allows us to see our achievements in light of a larger, universal, and eternal perspective. This view is the exact opposite of the other three views. In Level 4, I place God at the center of the universe, and suddenly, I don't have to be everyone's rescuer anymore. I begin to understand that God intends good for the whole world, and that He's the only one who can follow through on that promise. I'm too small to save the world, and I don't have to. My success comes from following Him. In fact, I find that the more I give up to God - the more I surrender to Him - the more successful I am. That means surrendering my material wealth, my achievements, and even my desire to help other people, to God. The other important thing about Level 4 is that, when I fail, I can even give my failures over to God, and trust that He will be able to make good come out of them. That allows me to be successful even in my failures, since now I don't have to feel like the whole world is doomed because of something I did. Success comes from trusting Him enough to believe that I am not the one in control - He is."