I know, I nag sometimes... but am I so wrong?

Question

When I nag, it's usually about little things and I don't actually see it as nagging but more as reminding.... Me and my boyfriend share an appartment with another couple and that's why we only have our tiny bedroom for ourselfs...
I like it neat... I don't even expect him to clean up or anything... I do all that... all I'm asking for and ... yeah.... maybe nagging about.... is that he shuts the closet door and the drawers after he takes something out... and maybe he could put his dirty clothes in the hamper instead of on the floor.... that's it!...
Is that too much?
I just feel like...if I keep reminding him, maybe one day he will get it?

and another thing: We have a fish tank and once a week I clean it... I do that because I was the one who wanted to have fish in the first place...
So last week when he was busy playing video games, I figured that would be a good time to clean the tank... I didn't ask him for help...
and a few minutes after I started, he walked in the room

and said "I hate this fish tank and all the work" (or something like that)....
I mean.. is that necessary???
He doesn't even have any work... I do all the work when it comes to the tank...

please tell me what you think...

my boyfriend thought he had to say something... here his additional details (I added my two cents):

"the apt is a 2 bedroom with my brother and I on the lease. We both allowed our gfs to move in since we love them dearly.

(If I wouldn't have moved in, I would have to move back in with my parents who live hours from here)

She forgot to mention the tank is in our tiny bedroom where there isn't even enough room to store all of our dirty clothes after 1 week. (We actually have enough room for the dirty clothes if we just put them in the hamper...) oh it's 2 tanks a 5 gall and a one gallon. (I didn't think anybody would want to know the details but thank you anyway...) I also cook most of the time (because when I cook, he has to tell me how to do it right) and do the dishes quite often and take the trash out without ever being reminded. (I always offer to do the dishes... and he takes the trash out... yeah... and he know's I appreciate it!)"

Answer 1

I completely agree with you that those are little things that he could do to help out. And the fish tank is comletely arguable if you do all the work. However, in my relationship i'm the messy one. I throw stuff on the ground when i'm done and aren't as neat as possible and it's not that I don't care it's just that I don't even realize i'm doing it and hearing my boyfriend nag about it makes me more frustrated because i didn't do it on purpose. I am trying to change and am making more of a mental effort to not throw clothes on the ground and clean up a little more. And personally (not ripping on you) but the more someone nags me about my bad habits the more angry i get and the more i don't want to do what they say. Maybe if you sat down with your boyfriend and without using an acusing tone tell him that it would really help you out and would make you happy if he would just do those little things. tell him you'd really appreciate his effort and when he does do it, clothes the drawer or put stuff in the hamper, give him lots of praise for it. I know it's not a big deal he throws his socks in the hamper but the positive reinforcment will hopefully make the behavior continue. Good luck! Sorry from the sloppy people!!!

Answer 2

BF here to add a few quick details.

the apt is a 2 bedroom with my brother and I on the lease. We both allowed our gfs to move in since we love them dearly.

She forgot to mention the tank is in our tiny bedroom where there isn't even enough room to store all of our dirty clothes after 1 week. oh it's 2 tanks a 5 gall and a one gallon. I also cook most of the time and do the dishes quite often and take the trash out without ever being reminded. As for the video games I play Madden online on the weekends. Videos games are not just for kids anymore.

I also watchh American idol with her lol

Answer 3

Well, you could have said to him... but I do all the work... my guess is that he doesn't like the fish tank and is looking for any 'reason' to prove that he is right and the fish tank isn't good.... I don't like fish tanks myself, because of the noise the pumps make. As for the clothes on the floor thing, that's a guy thing... I think most of them tend to do that. The reminders or nagging wont work. If he doesn't put his dirty clothes in the hamper, leave them on the floor, don't nag, don't remind, don't even mention them at all.... when you do the washing do only what is in the hamper, he will maybe start picking up after himself when he has no clean clothes to wear.

Answer 4

One day you'll look back on these days and realize that the little things didn't really matter. For some reason my husband still can't hit the hamper, this dishes still never make it to the sink. Let the room be a pig sty.. he'll eventually not find a thing.. leave his clothes pick up after yourself. Eventually he'll not be able to find a thing. The fish tank clean it when he isn't around if possible or isn't in the room, sounds like the room is small so maybe he doesn't like water splashing on him when you clean it. Or watching you doing the procedure period. I know I own 3 fishtanks, I learned to do alot of chores when the husband is away. Seems to work out better that way.

Answer 5

I don't know - some men have a great deal of difficulting staying focused, organized, clean, etc. Here's the problem

you - A then B then C then D - task completed
him - A something else B something else A again - B again something else C something else A something else B something else C something else A something else D - it is like the dots don't quite connect.

why not do this

Give him one task at a time
ask him more than once each time. once is not
enough. It probably doesn't register. Men aren't women.

I don't know if he's willing or not. Sometimes if a woman does something for a man, he'll just let her do it. Maybe you should consider not doing it let everything pile up to the ceiling until it gets through his head to do it.

don't nag - it's ok to ask more than once each time. Do it sweetly and kindly. Realize it may take several times before you get his attention. it might not be anything on purpose, your expectations might not be realistic.

It depends on the man. There are those who won't and those who can't - and that's two different things.

Answer 6

I have been married for almost 3 years and my husband does the same stuff, but I don't think its nagging,your right it is just a simple reminder.The problem may also be that you like things cleaner than he does. I'm a clean freak and he just likes things clean so maybe you have a little more expectancy of how your room should be. He may begin to help, my husband now cleans the kitchen in the morning on saturdays and lets me sleep in. Maybe if he sees you doing something and you make it look easy he'll think he can do it faster or better. You never know.

Answer 7

Hi,
I understand what you are saying here and I have the same thing going on.
What I bet happened is he was trying to relax and have fun and you started working in front of him.
This is what works. First is that men are on a different level so I arrange a time for my husband to help me out, we agree on a time. That way he can have his fun and I can relax to + the work gets done. Don't do it all. Ask when he can help and then leave it alone :) It will slowly improve this way.
As far as the little irks [such as open drawers] I mainly leave alone. I leave stuff open , it bothers him and he leaves laudry around which bothers me etc. Nothing is perfect but we love each other. Would you want a perfect room or slightly messy with your guy there?

Good luck!!

Answer 8

You will find that you get more bees with honey than with vinegar. If you are really that annoyed about the closet door and drawers you could leave them open until he closes them, or close them yourself. Nagging him probably actually makes him do it to annoy you because you nag him about it (stupid I know, but it happens).
Yeah, that was stupid about the fish tank and maybe he was just having a bad day. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 9

As far as the clothes and drawers, that's who his is and your reminding is just nagging to get things your way. You're trying to change him to be the guy you want instead of accepting that he is the guy he is.

As far as the fish tank, he probably doesn't see the sense of it and questions the amount of time you spend on it.

The video games tell me he has a bit of growing up still to do.

Answer 10

Try this, do not say a word about the mess in your shared apartment, get a large brown trash bag, put everything he drops to the floor into this bag, no matter what. That includes his dirty socks, his best tie, his coffee cup, everything will go into this bag. If he asks you where his stuff goes, point to that bag and do not say a word.
Your apartment will be very tidy and clean in a week.