Stepchild Resentment?

Question

I am 26 years old and I have no children. I have been living with my boyfriend for the past 14 months. He has three children with his ex wife. In July 2006, his oldest daughter (12) came to live with us because her mother was moving to another state. I am starting to have a lot of resentment for this child and it is really bothering me. She has a lot of bad habits and everytime my boyfriend and I get into an argument he always says things like "the only person I'm worried about is my daughter" or "I am going to take my daughter somewhere and we'll be back later". I am starting to resent her because of this and I can't control my feelings. I have tried to talk to my boyfriend about it and he just gets mad and sayd that he won't be with someone who has resentment toward his daughter. What do I do? I just want him to recognize that this has been a difficult transition for me as well and that I don't want to feel like it's 2 against 1 anymore.

For paprklp. Sounds to me like you may have some personal issues in your life that you need to deal with as well before jumping down someone else's throat. Apparently you have never been a step child to a teenager, before being a mother yourself. Our relationship was very good when she first moved in, I am her friend and have never disciplined her. The relationship has begun to go downhill. Have you ever had to deal with an unruly disprepectful child but couldn't discipline her and had to depend on their parent to do it knowing that they wouldn't do it to your liking and nothing ever gets resolved? We were given a week's notice that she was going to come and live with us, I did not move into her home. The problem here is not even with her as much as it is with the way her father handles the situation. People come on here to ask for advice not to be ripped apart because they feel differently than you do.

I think I need to elaborate a little more, I am his daughter's friend. I have never tried to be her mother, I have never disciplined her or even nagged her about her bad habits. I always go to him and have him do it. The problem is that things are not getting better, I am being her friend but I also have a house to take care of. I clean my behind off everyday after working full time just to wake up in the morning just to find my kitchen destroyed with her garbage that she couldn't take the time to throw away. I could see if this was a one time thing that was corrected but come on, every single day, day after day? And then when her dad asks her to clean up her mess she says "I know dad" with a stank attitude. Her attitude toward him pushes me away. I just can't stand her being disrespectful to a grown man, I believe that children should not disrespect adults, period.

Answer 1

Until you are a parent you will never understand.
You are jealous of a 12 year old kid. Of course she has a lot of bad habits she is still growing. She isn't mature at 12 and she isn't supposed to be. Did you think raising a kid would be easy?.

It's not 2 agains one. It is a father doing EXACTLY what he should be doing and that is making his daughter a priority in his life. He is absolutely right to tell you that he won't have his daughter around someone who resents her.
Resents EQUALS HATE. He's supposed to trust you alone with her whenever he is gone? No parent wants to leave their pet much less a CHILD around someone who demonstrates a lack of feeling. What exactly is the difficult transition you are making? Having to actually share his attentions? You need to accept that he will always love his daughter in a way that is impossible for him to love you. Although he will love you in a different way. It doesn't make it lesser. However, if you try to make every issue a choice of you over her then you will lose everytime. Getting pregnant is not the answer either. However, imagine if you did have a child and you were no longer with him and he had your child for a while and his new girlfriend said, did, and acted as you are toward your child ; what would you feel?

Children are barometers for the feelings of others and she can tell how you feel about her without you saying it. It is this that she will convey to her dad. Kids know when someone dislikes them. It's a weird thing but very real.

You should try being her friend. You can never be her mother and right now she probably sees you as the intruder in her life. You can never be the person who disciplines her. That must be her father always.

I have a 12 year old and I get along quite well with most children ranging in ages from 2-19.

I promise you ; that you are going about this all wrong. Maybe if you tried to build a relationship with her and actually learned to love her then you wouldn't be having such a difficult time. Otherwise, get out of the relationship and don't get involved with someone who has children.

Answer 2

OK, I understand what you are going through, I am 27, husband has 3 children--twin boy & girl 15 son 12. It is hard learning how to be a mother to older children, but if being a mother doesnt work, why dont you try to be a friend to her. She's going through a lot, and any normal dad is going to take up for his child, unless the child is clearly in the wrong. If you cant handle him having his daughter, then you really need to rethink the entire relationship. Because for starters he is not going to choose you over child, not happening, so you have to deal with the fact that yes you are important to him, but not the same way his child is. There is no reason you couldnt befriend his daughter to make everyones life better, nagging her about her habits is not a good way to do that. Let her habits go, unless you yourself are perfect and have none. Im not trying to sound nasty, but we are all human, we all have flaws. Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

Do not force him to choose between you and his child, because if he is a half-way decent man, his child will win every single time. If you want to continue your relationship with him, you need to realize that.

I can’t give you any advice beyond that because you didn’t say what it is that she’s doing that’s causing these problems…and that’s a very important part of the equation.

If Boyfriend refuses to even talk about it, then you might suggest counseling. Sometimes a third, neutral party can provide valuable insight.

Answer 4

I have a similar problem with my partner and his 2 children.

He lives with me and my 2 kids and every other weekend his children stay with us.
He thought his kids could do no wrong and that they never misbehaved. Whenever anything happened it was my kids that got told off which caused major rows between us.
2 years on and he is starting to notice that his kids aren't perfect and they do back-chat and misbehave but he's now not quite sure how to handle it and doesn't react to them the way he does with mine.
It's very difficult to deal with the whole 'step-family' thing and we are still working at it.
I have sat down and spoken to my partner, sometimes with results and sometimes ending up arguing.
I think maybe your boyfriend is trying to make things right with his daughter because she hasn't always lived with him and he feels he has to make up for the past. My partner says he feels guilty for not being with them all the time, so maybe your boyfriend feels the same way.
Things will die down and get easier but don't expect it to happen over night.
Talk to him but don't push it. These things take time and alot of effort.

Answer 5

This is a common occurrence with step-children and step-parent roles. You may want to seek some guidance from a social worker/counselor on how to deal with this type of situation. It will help to relieve the stress in this relationship with the child and the boyfriend.

Answer 6

daughter is slick and she knows what she is doing.
Probably planned it from the start along with her trifiling mother!


Dear BABY’S MAMA, thank you for being an irresponsible whore and bringing yet another selfish child into this world. Not only will s/he struggle through life because you cannot afford her and you did not bother to take the time to raise her but you also have ruined her father’s life and, inadvertantly, mine. your daughter is a test of patience at my house and I have you to thank for all of it. But alas, my time with her is short, you have screwed her up for a life time...this is an invitation for you to parent your daughter before it is too late!"

Is that too harsh? HELL NO! Last year I picked out a locket for my ex's wife that said "#1 MOM" for the stepkids to give to her. a week later she called me and told me that "the kids think I am their number one mom, they even bought me a necklace, so maybe you should just move on." She hung up on me when I told her "well actually, your kids were not going to buy you anything, and I am the one who picked that out so they would have something to give you". Then for Christmas I was taking them shoppping for her, and she called me and asked to speak to her kids. They told me that she asked if they were going to buy her a gift and they said yes. She then told them "well make sure you don't just give me junk like you did for Mother's Day". She is a pig............Nope. I have no plans on buying that woman anything...the stress is not worth it, please leave now

Answer 7

You are too YOUNG to be with a man who has 3 kids. Dump this idiot and find yourself a REAL MAN, hunny!

There are PLENTY of single, child-less men in this world, go find one!

Cheers

Answer 8

Talk 2 him and express how you feel with out her there!

Answer 9

("the only person I'm worried about is my daughter" or "I am going to take my daughter somewhere and we'll be back later").......... He's telling you that he don't give a **** about you..you are wasting your time with him

Answer 10

Call it quits, he will always take his child's side.