Should I stop it now?

Question

My boyfriend & I are 99% ready to have him move into my house with my 3 children (16,14,10).We have talked with my kids & they are ok, We are looking at 2 months due to a divorce - his idea to give the ex the house.Been dating 6 months-things are good- we are looking at things realistically.I was trying to get the kids to do a few chores while I prepared supper (been a struglling single parent all along) but I had to yell & remind them to finish &they were all yelling at one another & to say the house was loud & caotic is just that - it was!I tried to control the situation, but as with most of the time, I could only do so much - the rest I have learned to let go - I have had too.Well my bf took it hard & said last night over the phone that for the 1st time he felt like he wanted to leave or tell them to shut up and do what they were told, but didn't because he didn't feel comfortable & it hurt me.I know that we are all in for change & it CAN be positive -were not ready are we?

I talked with my kids about us being sort of disfunctional and they agree'd that they do not want the yelling and screaming anymore, but think that this change is because of my boyfriend moving in. It's not really - it's because it needs to change - period. I also think my boyfriend should see that this is his place based on our decision to become a family and he is either ready or not and just be honest with the kids about how he feels so they are not confused - though it might make them feel guilty?????Help? What about my boyfriend and I staying strong and committed to providing the children with boundaries and rules and expectations that YES - things are going to change and while it may be hard - we will work on it together for the better of the "family". Am I jumping to conclusions after one bad day or is this a real sign - can it be fixed or - WOW - I am overwhlemed & worried & I just need guidance - please no mean resposnes!

Answer 1

Moving into a house where 4 other people already have their routine set must be hard no matter how much he loves you.
It is not a matter of "being ready" or not.It is a matter of having "good will". You are not promising a garden of roses. Things like that are going to be happening. You all have to adjust to it. Take one day at a time. Live life one day at a time.Don't postpone the moving in any more. Just do it and work things a long as they happen. With a little good will from everyone in your house, you will make it. If it was meant to be...it will work out.

Answer 2

Great question, and a common, yet sometimes difficult situation.

Your new partner has several issues going on in his head. The first is not as much giving the kids feedback, but more so, what your reaction to that is going to be. If he tells them to shut up and do what they are told, how will you react? The kids will immediately look at you to see where you are going to side. Right now, he is walking on egg shells and hasn't left himself a lot of freedom or space. This is something that should be discussed openly with the whole family, before it just happens in a state of chaos. Otherwise, if he blows and you show any resentment toward his behavior, he'll be outta there the next day, as it was all a big mistake.

Secondly, he left his ex the house and never regained full independence. Following the path of least resistance, he might have gone from the frying pan to the fire. A transition as a matter of complete choice, rather one which includes a degree of convenience might have been a stronger foundation of purpose and belonging.

I think he should have his own place, even if he lives with the family most of the time. That way he will eventually gravitate one way or the other for the best of all. Make sense?

Answer 3

First of all, you say you have only been dating for 6 months and hes not even divorced yet. You have children and you have to remember they are YOUR children and hes not gonna be as compassionate with them as you are. It does sound like you need to set some rules in your own house with all that screaming, mind you I am not judging you. I raised three kids myself and yes it can get hectic as heck. I was not a Time Out Mom, I had a Fly Swatter and I would use it and also when they got to be teens , Grounding worked wonders. I would not even consider allowing him to move in until you two have spent more time together and him around your kids. You have to remember he is getting a Divorce for a reason and you probably have not seen all of his faults. Mom when it comes to your Kids and another Man being involved you be very carefull. I do agree that Living together before Marriage this day and time is the only real way to know a person. The Divorce rate is wayyy too high and so many people marry the person they see, but do not really know.. Good Luck

Answer 4

I think maybe you need a little more time to ease into this situation. If one night bothered him, imagine 5 days a week. As your boyfriend he feels helpless I'm sure because it's not his place to discipline your children. Maybe some family counseling would do you all some good. He is going to have to decide if he is ready to walk into that situation. If he's not ready quite yet, don;t take it personally. Take as much adjustment time as you need. Better to wait, than to move him in and then things not work out. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 5

You know him only for 6 months....He is going thru a divorce and you have 3 kids...Please step back and look at the whole picture with no emotions.
Your kids are grown up, it will be very tough on your relationship; they need to get to know him better, 6 month is not enough...they have to see him as a permanent and important figure to you, for them to respect him.
He did well, he should not scold them, he is none to them except your bf for 6 month...Give them time to know each others.
Also...you do not need a man that at first sign of trouble will walk out on you...that's why you need to make your relationship stronger and make sure he is the man for you before you take any important decision as moving together. Good luck!

Answer 6

No, you're not. Neither is he. He's just ending one marriage? You've only been dating 6 months? You have three kids who are about at the worst age behavior-wise.

You need to create more structure in your home. There is no need for yelling and carrying on...talk to a family counselor.

Meanwhile, you and your man should spend more time together getting to know one another. Share with him some of the struggles that you experience with raising your kids. He needs to know about it if he's going to be a part of it .

Answer 7

I was in your shoes only I had one child and he was 5. But I gotta tell ya we had been dating for a year and he actually liked my son. We have been married for 5 years April 19th and have a 3 year old daughter. Be careful. I really don't think if he wanted to be with all of you,(us single mothers are a package deal) he would not say stuff like that. I'm sure that what he said hurt your feelings and you should tell him. It sounds like you should have a heart-to-heart with your kids as well. Without him and see what they think. Don't choose a guy over your kids. Good Luck!

Answer 8

Probably not. If he does not feel comfortable telling the kids how he feels, then it's not time. If the 2 of you really want to live together, then I think you should take it a few days at a time and see what happens. You both have to realize they are not his kids and it will take some time for the kids to adjust to him and vice versa. Be patient, and see what happens. Good luck!

Answer 9

So you've just gotten divorced, you have only been dating this guy for 6 months and you have three kids... Why are you in such a rush to move your BF into your house?

Women that tend to jump from guy to guy to guy or women who constantly have to have a male in their lives tend to not do very well in long term relationships. You are searching for something that you can't attain, my guess is your BF is detecting this as a problem already. If he's smart and sounds like he is...he'll stay in his apartment for a while.

Answer 10

It doesn't sound like you are ready.... you have only been dating 6 months after all. I assume you wouldn't marry him after such a short time.......... so why would you have him move into your home with your children?? Have you discussed the children, if he is allowed to tell them off, what input he will have on how they behave? Have you discussed money, who will pay for what? Have you discussed the future? If you haven't, perhaps you need to consider it before you take such a big step.