sexless marriage?

Question

my wife and i have been married for less than a year. we've been together for six years. I'd say for the past four years of our relationship our sex life and intimacy has steadily declined to the point of nothing. It's honestly mostly on her end and she says there's alot of things about our relationship she can't get past and that counseling will not fix. She's basically accepted this way of life for us and says she can manage. After a lot of thought and consideration I've decided that I love her enough to make the sacrifice to live that kind of life with her if that is indeed what she is willing to do. While she says she feels lonely and sad and depressed she says she can manage but doesn't want to be unfair to me. She mentions "romance" just not being there but again, its on her end. In a marriage I've always assumed people fall in and out of love all the time but you enjoy those good times and get through the bad. Are there any women that have experienced this?

Does it sound like the marriage is doomed? Everything in our life except for sex is pretty amazing. Will it come back, is it gone forever? Any other marriages out there like this? Need some thoughtful advice on this. Thank you.

Answer 1

I would focus on the things she thinks she just cannot get past. She obviously takes issue with something. Whatever it is she has to let you try and fix it. Is it a grooming issue, a closeness issue? Is it something you did in your past? She is being unfair if she just wont work on the things she cant get past. I wouldn't stay in a marriage where both partners are not working to move the ball further down the field. She shouldn't either. Get her to open up and tell you what the issues are and do your best to fix them one at a time. That is the only thing that can save your marriage.

Answer 2

I have been there. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we went through some tough times and the sex stopped. Well not stopped but I could have gone without. I just felt it was unfair to my husband so I would do it and I HATED it. We worked through stuff that couseling and nothing else could have helped. We laugh and say we don't know how we made it through everything we did. We now know that it was Gods hand, though we did not attend church and were not living how we should have been. But I prayed that I would have a happy marriage and that I could learn to like him again. It took a long time and we are now happier than ever and the sex is great. But there is a quote that says " To have a succesful marraige you have to fall in love many times with the same person": That is such a true statement. It wasn't that I hated my husband. We had been through so much I had lost the feelings I once had and I did not desire him, however do something nice for your wife and tell her of your feelings. See where it goes from there. But don't lose your faith and be persistent. She loves you or she wouldn't have married you. But yall just need to Fall in love AGAIN. It is hard at first but soon you will think that it is just a test that God has for every marriage. It will make you each love each other more than you ever thought possible. Good Luck and Happy Marriage.

Answer 3

Do you have children? Sometimes the lulls occur when the couple's entire life becomes centered around the needs of the children. Mommy fast forgets that she is also a woman and a wife. Happens to everyone.

The lulls occurred for us during that time. We had children every 3 years which meant I was pregnant and or nursing for most of that time until they became school age.

Our lulls happened at the 7 year mark and also the 14 year mark. We forget sometimes to nurture the friendship by being preoccupied with work, home, kids, etc...
Sex is necessary to keep a couple connected. It doesn't have to be every day as it is during the courting phase of a relationship. There was a time during my 20th year that I lost complete desire for sex although the rest of our relationship was terrific. It turned out that I had a medical condition that I had previously been unaware of. Got that fixed and now enjoy a healthy sex life.

No sex is always a sign of something else going on. Either medically, or emotionally. It can also be a self-esteem issue.
Making love releases endorphines which are what makes 2 people feel connected and close to one another. Since you haven't had 'any' in a while you don't realize how much you are missing and neither does she.

It is wonderful that you are so patient. However, she must do her part to find out why she feels the way she does. She should make an appointment with her ob/gyn and also an internal meds doctor. It could be a number of things that is killing her desire. Something as simple as high blood pressure can kill a person's libido.

If she is unwilling to do this then she is absolutely being unfair to you. Your vows said "forsaking all others...". If she is unwilling to satisfy what is a natural need for no apparent reason then you shouldn't be expected to. That is impractical and unrealistic.

Sometimes when a person hasn't had relations in a while it is just a matter of getting the bodies natural responses to kick in but it has to start somewhere.

Lastly, is she gay? In her heart of hearts does she prefer women? Only she can say.
Counseling is needed for the both of you.

Intimacy issues can stem from traumatic events in her younger life. This is all treatable.

Answer 4

My marriage went through much the same thing. Don't let this discourage you. You can make it through if you want this marriage. It sounds like she is dealing with Depression. My advice is get her help quickly. Many people don't understand depression and don't treat it seriously. I advise that you both find a good Christain Counseler to go to. Even if she don't want to go at first.

I also feel that if you are not currently attending a Church that makes you want to be excited about going to Church then look for another. I would probably guess that you don't go to church and don't have much of a spiritual life. I am not saying church will solve everything because it won't. Many Christians will not understand your situation and just tell you that you need to read your Bible more. This may not be a bad idea, but you need more.

The main reason I am sending you to a chruch is that women want their man to be the spiritual leader. This will make the man more attractive to them and earn you a lot of respect. However, they can see right through you if you are faking it. I would suggest finding a good Christian couple that could show you what it means to have a personal relationship with Christ and what it means to live a spiritual marraige.

I am not meaning to preach to you, but that has transformed my marriage and made it more wonderful then I dreamed possible. And yes the sex comes with the spiritual part.

Answer 5

Statistics state that 1 in 5 married couples has a non-sexual relationship. There can be many reasons for this. The issue of desire is the largest reason. Maybe she has such a low level of testosterone that she rarely feels sexual desire, if ever. The first 2 years of a relationship, you are in the infatuation stage of love and your body is flooded with chemicals and hormones causing both of you to feel high sexual desire. After the 2 year mark, this wears off and the low desire person goes back to not wanting sex. The only way to see if this is the problem, is to have her hormone levels tested. There are solutions to this situation, but you need to find the right doctor to work with.

She says that there are problems that she can't get past. Does she talk about those issues with you? Has she begun to see someone else out of loneliness or isolation? There are a lot of things that can cause this feeling. It can start with anger, turn to resentment, and if she has had an affair, end with guilt. All of these reasons cause women to pull away. Therapy is needed to resolve all of these issues.

Once the cycle of avoidance has begun, it is very hard to change. Nothing is more anti-erotic than feeling sexually self-conscious. Sexual problems have a very high relapse rate. You need to work with a therapist that can deal with emotional issues and is qualified to handle sexual issues. Good luck.

Answer 6

The feelings and emotions in marriage do come and go - you don't always feel all in love. It honestly sounds to me that your wife is depressed - your family doctor can help her with that - have her take a depression survey to see if that's a possibility. You 2 need to work on the issues she has that she says she can't get past. If she's never tried counselling then how can she know it won't help - ask her to try it for 1 month. I don't think any relationship is doomed unless you both give up.

http://www.med.nyu.edu/psych/screens/depres.html
http://www.planetpsych.com/depresstest/

Answer 7

My wife and I went through a similar situation....

In my opinion, and this is from experience, she is telling you that "counseling will not fix" the problem - translated - she needs more from you! Take time away (vacation)... or spend more time doing things together. Give her complements, hold her hand while you walk together, show her you care deeply for her. Bring home some flowers, take her out to dinner, get back to doing those things you both did early on in your relationship.

Once the sex life returns, don't be afraid to try new things. And above all, make sure you please her - she has needs too!

Answer 8

Hi
I am not a expert ok? but I do not think this is right. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. If she does not want you something is not right. You and your wife need to see a doctor and determine what is wrong. It can be heath, mental or she does not love you anymore.
Just find out what it is and take the right action after. Maybe the outcome will not be happy but it will be better to find out now and not later. If your wife does not love you anymore you will have the chance ..after the paint is gone...to find someone else.
Good luck

Answer 9

I would say no your marriage is not doomed. It seems from what you said that everything else is in place. Maybe she is longing for more intimacy- not just sex. Have you tried cuddling up and watching one of her favorite movies with her?Maybe surprising her with flowers and taking her for a walk (beach,lake, etc.)? How about surprising her for lunch? Just a couple of suggestions.
If you are truly in love then you do not fall in and out of love-
I think it proves that you are really willing to work on it- just from you saying that you want to stick it out and try and make it work. It seems with society today people want to just up and quit on something if it's not going their way- Marriage takes work- alot of hard work and compromise- from both parties.
Just a thought..

Answer 10

You say you are prepared to make that sacrifice. If you are like most people, in 5 years or so you will have changed your mind.

Tell her that you love her and want to be married to her, but you need physical intimacy. Tell her you will be patient, but doing nothing is not an option.