My husband is threatening divorce if I don’t make a choice .What do I do? Part 2?

Question

Part 1
http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AsokL089VriwciwchHVx5eXg5gt.?qid=20070327082635AAixv20
Part 2
People here are blowing this WAY out of proportion. I have NEVER spend much time much less the night at James’ house since he moved back here. I certainly didn’t plan on falling asleep at his house. He had broken up with his girlfriend 3 days earlier and asked me to keep him company once I got there. I FELL ASLEEP! I’m an incredibly deep sleeper which is why I didn’t get up after a few hours. I woke up covered by a blanket on James’ sofa and when I saw the dozens of missed calls and voicemails I had I rushed home. I’ve never cheated on anyone and neither has James. My husband and him simply don’t get along because my husband is convinced James wants me back which is just crazy. My husband is a dentist and dated on of his assistants during an off period in those 3 years who he still works with today and I have no problem with that.

My husband agreed to compromise to let me spend time with James at our place which to me is just a sign that he doesn’t trust me. I want this marriage to work because I truly do love my husband but I don’t think I should have to stand for my husband telling who I can and cannot see. Where do we go from here?

My husband never cheated.He dated his assistant before we got married while we weren't dating.

Answer 1

I don't necessarily agree with the others. If your husband works daily with his dental assistant whom he had an affair with, and you don't have a problem with that, why should he have a problem with you having the same type of relationship with one of your ex-boyfriends? I think it is more of a he doesn't trust you cituation than the scenerio itself.

Answer 2

I think if you really want to stay married, you need to take the compromise of only seeing your friend at your house. You are the one who made the mistake and did not come home. Look at it from your husbands point of view, you spent the night at an ex-boyfriends house. To me, this is unacceptable for a married woman, especially if your husband did not know where you were. "Oops, I fell asleep at a friends house" works when you are single, but when you are married your family comes first. Why would you stay late or long enough that you were so exhausted that you fell asleep, when you get tired, go home.

How would you feel if your husband fell asleep at his assistants house, didnt call and then didnt come home until the next day, and said oops i fell asleep. You wouldn't like it one bit.

I think that if he is willing to let the guy come over to the house and you can see each other there, he is being very generous.

If my wife disappeared, didnt answer my calls and spent the night at an ex-boyfriends house, i would just leave, no words.

I think you are getting off light.

Answer 3

If your husband has compromised to the point of letting James come to your house, then settle for that. He wants to see how James acts around you. If he sees you two together and sees that James isn't trying to win you back, he may get to the point of letting you hang out without him sometimes. Maybe him and James will slowly start to build a friendship, maybe they won't. But at least your husband is willing to let James come over. I don't really think it's because he doesn't trust you as much as he wants to see for himself Jame's motives.
People are blowing it way out of proportion because in your last question, you made it seem like you spent a lot of time with James without your husband. Maybe your husband shouldn't tell you who your friends are, but at the same time you have to see this from his point of view a bit too. Even though you fell asleep and nothing happened, it's still a little scary for him to have had that happen. He needs to be reassured now. Compromise for a while and see how it goes.

Answer 4

He can't tell you who you can and cannot see. You're right.

But he can tell you that he won't stand for you to spend time sleeping over at someone's house. Both you and James know that you're flirting with disaster -- married people simply do not conduct teenage sleepovers while nursing through a breakup. Married people have a responsibility to put their marriage and their spouse first, and to consciously plan to do so, and to have friends who respect that.

James could have woken you up instead of covering you up and keeping you there. That was a selfish move on his part, and I think your husband is right to be concerned. James was thinking of himself when he did that, not of your life and your marriage and the problems that you sleeping over at his house would create.

Rearrange your priorities. While your husband can't tell you not to see James, it's very clear that your husband and your marriage are not a priority right now -- and he's right to be pushing you to make a choice.

You can be friends with James without endangering your marriage. That you're choosing to take your friendship with him in directions that endanger your marriage says a lot about where your priorities lay. Make sure that's what you truly want.

Answer 5

I haven't read part 1 but from what you say in part 2 I agree with you whole-heartedly. Why should you give up your friends especially when you have done nothing wrong in the past or now just because he doesn't trust you. It'll start off with this and before you know it he will have complete control over your life.

Can't you try speaking to him or seeing why he has trust issues? Maybe you should take a 'break' and that may scare him into realising what he could be losing and be back like a shot apologising. It's a toughie.

Good luck to you.

Answer 6

However you want to spin it those are just escuses. This is not highschool or even college that you dont want anybody telling what to do or who to see. He is not father telling you cant go out this friend. He is you husband and as such you owe him respect and to make him feel comfortable even if you dont like not seeing James. A marriage is so much more important than a guy you used to date. This is why there are so many divorces out there, you really have to give the marriage its importance.

Answer 7

He's your husband. You made a commitment to him and to the marriage, you need to put that first. If he's compromising and setting up with you a way that he would feel comfortable with you spending time with another man, then take the compromise. It's still another man, even if it is your friend. Cheating is NOT just about having sex. Faith fullness to your spouse is also emotional. It means being there and being considerate of the spouses feelings and needs, not just your own. If your loyalty is with James and not your husband, that is disloyalty to your husband.

Answer 8

If you don't like the answers don't ask the question.

Your husband is right. Spending time with a "friend" of the opposite sex without the spouse being there could lead to something else. If you two are not up to anything then there is no reason your husband can't be there when you are together.

Answer 9

You two have serious marriage problems. Both of the compromises which you two are suggesting is BS. If your husband cheated once it will happen again and likewise with you and if he has it in his mind you've done it, maybe maybe not, cause cheating has various meanings depending on the subject matter. Staying at his house, falling asleep and him saying he wanted you to keep him company would send flags all over the place. Please seek some serious counseling.

Answer 10

Wow, you really think you're gonna get away with this huh? You cannot have your cake and eat it too! This James man wanted to be with you and only because he moved did it end.... and now he comes back and you want to spend alone time with him and slept over (accidental or not)???? PLEASE! You really need to re evaluate this situation and stay away from James. Your husband is 100% right to be upset! As far as him dating his co workers, it is a business relationship, he cant fire them just because they dated. Does he go to their homes and "fall asleep"? I think you are in denial. No one is blowing this way out of porportion, you are just not taking responsibility for the fact you do not see anything wrong with this.

Answer 11

James is not a real friend to you. if he was he would have woke you up and sent you home to your husband instead of putting a blanket on you and letting you sleep. he had to know that it would do damage to you marriage and yet he did it anyway. it actually sounds kind of passive aggressive to me. that is unless you really were doing something more than sleeping and this whole story is just part of your cover. either way. you are wrong and you need to apologize.