Should I marry someone who has chosen smoking over me?

Question

I don't want smoking in my life. When I met this person, I didn't know that this person was a closet smoker. As we became more involved, I noticed that the person would smoke rarely and radomly. You know, when drinking, or sometimes a co-worker would offer one. When we got engaged, this person promised and quit smoking. I know it doesn't sound like much, but since the engagement, this person has broken promises and lied to me about not smoking and quiting smoking. Trust me the lying has been addressed, but the smoking remains like this. This person has chosen to smoke whenever without regard for my feelings towards the issue. I know I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, but what if it translates to other areas of concern? I love this person a lot and this person has so many great qualities that outweght this. I guess it is a personal choice. I never wanted to date or be married that someone who smoked at all. Should I just get over it? Thanks for your opinion.

Thanks for your response! Here are some details that I couln't fit in the original question. This person has only smoked around me when at a party, drinking. Nevers smokes in the house. Has smoked when not around me, at work or in the car, maybe other time and places too, without me around. I would guess that this person smokes any where from 1 - 12 ciggarettes a month. I'm not an anti-smoker person. I think it is a personal choice and nobody should tell you what to do. I've never told this person to quit or else. I told this person why I don't like it. I don't like the smell on the clothes or in the hair, or taste in mouth. Probably has a lot to to with the fact that my dad is and always has been a smoker, regardless of how the rest of the family feels about it. I know, because of my dad, that it is difficult for someone to quit. It hurts my feelings, but he is always going to be my dad, and I love him all the same. Just like this person I'm engaged to.

Answer 1

How come non-smokers have all the rights? Hes not choosing smoking over you, you are choosing your way or no way. He is lying to you probably because you are putting too much pressure on him. There is nothing worse than walking on eggshells around the person who is supposed to be your equal. This man has choices and he chooses to smoke. You may not agree....thats your choice. Dont marry him, if smoking is such an issue.....then he wont be choosing smoking over you, you will have made that decision for him.

Maybe instead of putting pressure on him, understand he has an addiction. Do you know what an addiction is? Do you understand that sometimes good intentions are not enough to give up an addiction? Maybe kind understand words would do better than insisting he do what you want him to do. Dont marry the guy.....maybe he wont wear the coloured shirts that you like. Maybe the way he eats breakfast wont suit you either. Maybe nothing about this man suits you. You want to mold him into something you want, then set him free to find a woman who doesnt want to control him, and you find yourself a nice decent non-smoker, Whether you agree or not with smoking, people still do have choices. When it becomes illegal, then you will have something to worry about. He is not breaking the Law, and you putting pressure on him is probably having the opposite effect. Maybe he has seen you in the true light of day and realises he doesnt really want to marry such a controlling woman.

Add....gee 1 to 12 cigarettes a month isnt bad. Be realistic...if he can only have between 1 and 12, then it wont be hard to give it all up. And if you dont pressure him, then why is he feeling the need to lie to you when he does have a smoke? Maybe you dont pressure him in an obvious way, maybe your pressure comes in the form of nagging...getting on your soapbox about the dangers of smoking. Maybe he doesnt need to hear the lectures. Maybe he doesnt need to feel like a loser. The bottom line......its your choice to marry him. He is most definitely not choosing smoking over you, if as you say, you dont put pressure on him. I think your question says something different.

Answer 2

As an ex-smoker I can tell you, stopping will only happen if you want it to. So stopping for someone else, I'd be surprised. In that sense, a smoker is just like any dependent, willing to some length to keep the habit.

The decision is yours, if you decide to stay, accept that it could be some time before the smoking stops. Perhaps there is a compromise you can both live with. Smoking is pretty gross for non-smokers, but I can't tell you to stay or go.

But for the relationship to work, the behind your back stuff needs to go. So better to allow some smoking and be honest than no smoking and the behind the back. At least smoking in confined spaces should go, even when I smoked, I never smoked in the house, except for my own study. My partner at the time was a ex-smoker as well. Best approach, don't remind them to stop smoking, but be clear on where it is and isn't allowed.

Good news is that, because smoking is a habit, the behaviour doesn't automatically spread to other parts of life.

Answer 3

You say the lying has been addressed? That's the first major issue. You might have to take a break from him and think this over. No person will have everything great about them, there will always be parts of someone we don't like, what you have to do is see if this is something you can live with. Smoking can be a worse habit to live with as it affects so many things. Smoke on your clothes, hair, you'll smell it on him, taste some of it when you kiss, and so on. Next you might have kids, and that is not a healthy environment for them to grow up in. He may promise now to quit if you have children, but that doesn't mean he will. Let him know how serious this is to you two, and see if you can work on it together. If you leave over this though, and tell him you feel he's picking smoking over you, he may say the same back at you, saying you're picking his smoking over taking him. I myself, could NEVER live with a smoker. I couldn't. But that is a choice you will have to make about your home, your man, and your family. I myself would leave, with a box full of kleenex and a bag full of chocolate. {{{HUGS}}} I wish you all the best, whatever you decide.

Answer 4

New Answer:
Honestly, if this person only smokes 1-12 cigarettes a month, and the majority aren't around you, then I wouldn't be too worried about it. I am also a smoker when I drink (maybe 4-5 times a year - if that much) but the rest of my life is smoke free. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that smoking is OK. They have never seen a cigarette in my mouth. But for whatever reason, if I have a drink I crave the cigarette too. We all have our vises and this is his/hers. You have told them how you feel and they know, they respect you enough not to do it around you, so to leave this person over 1-12 cigarettes a month seems a little silly to me, if this person makes you happy in every other area of your relationship.☼

Answer 5

Sounds like you're one of these really anti-smoking people who want to make smoking cigs the same as smoking weed.
If smoking is a deal breaker for you and you feel that strongly about it, obviously thisis not the person for you. You will never find a perfect personto marry but if smoking is that big of a deal then don't do it.
Smoking effects all aspects of your life going forward, your insurance cost, your health care, the friends you hang out with, the places you frequent for a good time, it really will effect a large part of your marriage.

Answer 6

No, you do not need to get over it. This is not just a matter of smoking. It is a matter of character and lifetime choices. If I were you, I would not marry anyone who drinks or smokes. The combination is not family-oriented. You need to concentrate on being the kind of person you want to attract for a lifelong committment. Don't even consider taking the plunge with this guy, at this time in your life.

Answer 7

It's an addiction and with any addiction it isn't easy to give up. Ok so he made a promise, how many of those do you think will be broken in your life time. That's why you don't allow someone to promise you something. If you don't like the smoking then why didn't you leave when you realized he smoked? Why should he have to change just because you don't like it? Ask him to only smoke outside and not in your car or in his if you are riding in it. That's what I did when my husband stopped smoking. I quit in the car. We already smoked outside due to our children.
I don't believe he will grow to tell you more lies because of this one. Cigs. are addicting and I can tell you from personal experience we will get the cig. if we need it. Yeah, I've quit smoking a million times and was even told by my non-smoking mother that if I didn't smoke a cig. she was gonna personally come to my house and smack me, why, because I was a total B***h when i quit. So knowing that I can see how and why he hasn't quit yet. I enjoy smoking. I hate that my hair smells like smoke but heck I can wash it. Let him quit on his own time, he will when he is ready. Just don't push because when a smoker is annoyed they run to the cigs to calm down. If you can't get over it, I suggest you leave. Just remember when you do leave (if you do) and you are miserable, it was over something that you could've dealt with. Not like he is going to get arrested or do prison time over a cig. You just have to figure out what is more important, him or you not liking smoke.

Answer 8

Lying about smoking does not translate into lyeing about other things, it can, but it doesn't mean that she will ly about other stuff. Smoking is only a choice before you have that first cigarette. After that, it's an outright battle. You are constantly thinking about when your going to have that next cigarette, and "maybe I could have just one more." Your spouse to be most definitely does not want to let you down, and so is not going to want you to know they have failed to beat it. They don't want you to think badly of them. It takes superhuman strength to never pick up a cigarette again.

If they have insurance that will cover it, they could try chantix. It's been out only a year or two, but it works excellently. Don't know if it'll keep her off permanently, but it's worth the try.

Answer 9

Never marry anyone expecting them to change. They will change, we all do, but probably not in the way you want. Smoking is an addiction, not a bad habit or a sign of weakness. I quit smoking to please my ex-wife. That's one of the many reasons she is my ex. I craved a cigarette every day for over 2 years. He won't quit for good until he is ready to quit for himself. No amount of love and support or nagging from you will change that. If you can't live with a smoker, end the relationship now.

Answer 10

Smokers are like any addicts - they lie lie lie about it.

The ONLY demand I made of my wife when I married her was that I will not marry a smoker. In spite of this she continued to occasionally do so for years, denying it even when I would find a pack in her car or in the house. Thinking I somehow couldn't taste it on her lips or smell it in her hair.

She probably smokes about one cigarette every two months, breaking down if we have a fight or something. At least she doesn't lie about it anymore, but I get REAL mad at her about it.

This is the biggest problem in our marriage to me.

Your choices are either live with it or demand it stop. and be prepared to call off the wedding if he calls your bluff.