Problems with sex in our marriage..what should I do?

Question

I recently got married. I love my husband but for some reason I am still very uncomfortable during sex. He has never hurt me, nor has he forced me to do anything but I still feel awkward doing certain things. I constantly worry what he will think of me afterwards. I have been with other men and this has never been a problem. Also, I feel like everytime we cuddle or anything like that, all he wants is sex. I don't know why I feel this way! :( I just don't want this to ruin our marriage. We've talked about it and he says he just feels discouraged and that he doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable but at the same time I am his wife and he wants a good sex life. What should I do?

Answer 1

There is something else about sex that is bothering you and you will have to figure out what it is and then how to cope with it. Here's an example, previous sexual abuse from your past? Is Your sexual relationship unhealthy because of performance anxiety? All of these things are resolvable, and for more information you can email me for specific help OK? this can be handled and i will try my very best for you. [e-mail]

Answer 2

A guy's anatomy is set up to go to work as a result of the cuddling. OF COURSE he wants to proceed to sex from that. It is also unreasonable to assume that it is not going to progress that way. The high school kissing and hugging as an end in itself is very frustrating for a married guy. This is not the "all he wants is sex" it is the natural outcome of married affection. Guys view the "I only want to cuddle" thing as a rejection and will eventually result in his not attempting to even hug much less kiss and proceed to sex.
It seems that you are having trouble adjusting to being a married woman. Why would you be worried what he thinks unless it is that you are not meeting his needs. Over the years you should be incorporating new and more adventurous things into your relationship. It is the way that you keep it fresh.
Frankly , as time passes there should be fewer and fewer things off limits. How often do you read questions here asking how do you keep it fresh? Well that's it, experimentation and new stuff.
As for sexuality the restarints are off as far as one and one encounters with each other. I know that many years of being told to not be sexual is difficult to overcome just because you are married. Overcome it you must eventually or risk his asking why won't you have sex or try something new.

Try getting some books on the subject. "The Joy of Sex" is a good book for helping you understand " normal" relations and
should increase your comfort level.
Good Luck

Answer 3

I went through the same thing when I got married. You are just afraid of disappointing him. Don't let this overwhelm you. For me it didn't just stop at the sex part I was afraid to voice an opinion that was different than his and I was afraid if he didn't like the way I did something he would get upset. Hopefully that is not the case for you. It maybe that you were always trying to get your parents approval and never wanted to disappoint them, now it could have transferred to the way you are with your husband. At least that is what happened to me. Be yourself and never apologize for that. The sex thing will pass, just be comfortable in your own skin. Never do anything you are uncomfortable doing, but don't worry about your husband thinking differently about you after, he loves you and respects you or he would not have married you. It took me a long time to become comfortable with myself because I did not understand why I was thinking the way I was. My husband was patient and we have been married for 14 years now. Good luck.

Answer 4

Let me guess... you must be Catholic.

He sounds a bit sexually inexperienced. A man married to a woman of good church going values has to know how to be a man in the bedroom, particularly with these type of women. If he is too coy or too gentle, you will lose respect for him subcontiously because as a woman, you are depending on him to take the lead and make evrything OK.
If you disect what I'm saying it is the same reason why sexually repressed women can often turn into the biggest freaks once the right guy has freed them from repression by being a bit rough.
He needs to take you, you are his wife and he needs to take you passionately but with some force as a roman soldier may take a woman from a village he has just conquered. After you allow him to do that and if he does it right...trust me, you'll want him to take you again, and again and again..... ;-)

Answer 5

I am glad to see you are being proactive on this one. I am also glad you are getting plenty of answers. My opinion is that your husband should understand that sometimes women just like to be held and cuddled. He needs to understand that there is more to a relationship then the sex aspect. You need the romanticizing aspect. My wife is the same way. If its always wham bam thank you maam then she gets turned off and rightfully so. I would try and make a game of it with him. See how long you can tease each other without perfoming the act. Make him go longer and longer each time till he can foreplay for as long as YOU desire. He will find the waiting and anticipation will lead to a stronger finish.

Answer 6

You didn't have this problem before because you didn't care much about what the other men thought of you.

The saying goes something like: men want their wives to be ladies out in public, and w h o r e s in the bedroom. Be his little sex toy. He'll love it. You HAVE to trust eachother - he has to trust you that you are true to him, and you have to trust him that he will respect you.

All he wants is sex? Well, probably true. Is that so bad? Have a blast. You'll both be happy.

If you are denying him sex a lot, he's going to be unhappy. Don't deny him. Get into the groove.

Boogie time!

Answer 7

You need to talk to each other and be patient. Sex gets better with time and practice. Tell each other what you like, what you want and what you fantasize about. Add new things slowly. You don't have to go from being conservative to being a wild woman overnight. Talking about it will get easier with time. Trying new things will get easier as you are together longer. I've been with my wife for 6 years and our sex life is still evolving.

Answer 8

Put your mind at ease because help has arrived.

Don't feel ashamed of your bedroom activities. In other words, your husband is not going to think you're a whore if you like going down on him, enjoy anal or whatever it is that trips your trigger. Men like a woman that knows what she likes and isn't afraid to do as she pleases.

As for the cuddling part of your dilemma, take heart in the fact that he is sexually aroused by you. Trust me, if you sufficiently wear him out, he'll be more than happy to just cuddle.

Answer 9

Be patient. It does take awhile. Lots of women feel like all men want is sex because alot of the time they do. I think every kiss will lead to sex which makes me turn away because I don't have the time or patience for that every second of the day and with men every kiss could lead to sex if you let it. you'll get more comfortable as time goes on. Try going on a date together, have a couple drinks to loosen up and suggest going to an adult store together. You'll both feel relaxed and you both can point out different things you might like. Maybe even rent an adult movie. Good luck

Answer 10

Well, you've eaten the anti-sex food -- wedding cake!

Okay I am half KIDDING.

It sounds like you are *very* self-conscious because you feel very close to this person. Feeling close to someone means they can hurt or reject you. Toss in the standard every-woman-has-them body image issues, and it's pretty easy to see that when he wants to make love, let's say, ohh "doggy style", instead of enjoying making love you are thinking "oh god my butt is so big he must hate my big butt that's the last CInabon I'm eating for a year" and all that other chick stuff, while he's back there having the time of his life, completely unaware of your insecurity and self consciousness.

If he likes sex with you -- enjoy it! We men are nowhere *near* that complex about sex. Is he hard? Then he likes what he sees, what he feels, what he hears. He isn't going "this is ehh okay but my god look at that huge a*ss of hers -- what a turn off. my d*ick is shriveling like a frightened turtle."

Still, confront the issue and tell him - "it's nothing you are doing or saying, but i feel so close to you emotionally and this is brand new for me but i am a bit self conscious when we make love. it's crazy but there it is.

"let's have lots of sex and try stuff you want and i want, but maybe we can try things with lights down low for a while, and i'll work on telling myself that you love and accept me. maybe outside of bed take a few minutes a day to tell me you love and accept me - it sounds crazy but something inside me needs to hear it i guess so help me out here hunnie. maybe write me a nice note or two so i can carry one in my purse and check it when you aren't around."

but whatever you do please don't start associating in either of your minds 'marriage' with 'no sex'. there are enough of us married guys out here already suffering from that disease. ;-D