do i have any hope to save my marriage?

Question

we have been unhappy for a few years, we couldnt talk to each other about it, i started letting her go out, the first bit of attention she got was from an indian guy who is hindu, she is 37 i am 38 he is 25 law student, she told me she doesnt love him, she told me she doesnt know what she wants, we have 3 children twin girls 3 and little boy 7, she goes to see him and i ask her to ask him things about his culture and life, he tells her nothing except the love stuff to make he feel good. I told her i bury the past, and try to make it all work out, she not interested because she wont listen to reason. I am at my wits ends and see it al slipping away. do i stand a chance, is this just a mid life crisis or just a cry for attention, is he serious or just having fun(he told me it was just fun on the phone), that makes it more the harder for me to deal with, she is spending lotsof money and putting a strain on the finances. Should i see a doctor i feeling very low and ill.

Answer 1

If you put up with this, you need to see a doctor alright...a head shrink.

Answer 2

The only way your marriage willl survive is if you put your foot down. She is your wife, and she should not be seeing anyone outside of the marriage. A person will do whatever they are permitted to do. She has no boundaries and she has your permission to do anything she wants. It is no marriage now....you are there physically, but that's all. There is no committment on your wife's behalf, and you are this little man lapping up whatever attention she may throw your way. Not nice, is it? Until you become strong and make some demands, then she will continue to do whatever you allow her to do. Why do you even worry whether you have a chance or not...you are second best now, so you wouldnt be feeling too good about yourself anyway. Whats the difference if you tell her the marriage is over or allow her to keep on cheating with other men and staying marriage.....ther IS NO marriage. You are both living a lie. The only way you have a hope in hell of pulling this marriage together is to tell her to stop now, insist the two of you go into counselling, or the marriage is over. Take control man, this is your life too. It couldnt be much worse if the marriage ended, its about as bad as it gets now. At least if you take back some control, she will either be shocked into stopping her affairs, or you will be free to find a woman who trully loves you. Dont beg, it so unbecoming and no woman respects a snivelling man......a man who will let them get away with anything. Its got to come to a head because this is no way to live.....your self esteem would be shot to pieces...put an end to it now and get on with your life, with or without her.

I wish you well.....but please stop being so weak....take back some control and when you do you will find you will feel much better about yourself.

Answer 3

I know that you feel like you love her but you need to let this go. Think about it...she is having an affair right in front of you! This as you stated is starting to affect your health and it seems apparent that you are the one taking care of your children. They need at least one stable parent and your whoring wife is not one.

The other problem is that she is so blatant about the whole thing and let's just say that she does decide to come back to you. Are you going to be able to forgive her? I mean once the relief of her coming back is gone all you are left with is unfaithfulness and lack of trust. I know because my husband had an affair on me and even though I forgave him believe me I did NOT forget. Every time he was late my mind automatically thought he was with another woman. Very difficult to get over.

Lastly, why are you giving her all the power? Why don't you take the bull by the horns and make her leave it she cannot or will not respect you or your marriage. I know how hard this all can be and I think that you need some help so you can figure out WHY you would accept this and to help you make decisions that will be best for you and your children. I wish you the best. Good luck.

Answer 4

you let her see other men, or just go out and have time to herself? That was your mistake right there if you let her see other men, you just showed her you don't care, by telling her it's alright to break your vows. Sounds like she is all caught up on hopes to be with the new guy who only wants a piece and will throw her away afterward, she is too deperate and blind to see that. Sounds like you all have some real problems, and your writing here makes me wonder if you have wronged her in some way that you want to bury the past, it you have, say cheated on her and that is what you are trying to bury you may not have a chance, she may resent you, hold anger for you, and be trying to get you back, she may have lost her trust and has given up. I can't really say without knowing more, but from what you said sounds like you need additional help. Seek counseling, save your marriage if you still can, otherwise it is going down a bad road fast. She probably likes all this attention from the guy, pay more attention to her, compliment her, tell her how much you love her, show her how much you care, romance her, she may get the attention from you and not someone else, she may feel happy at home again

Answer 5

Hi. You sound very low and with good reason however, you need to take control of this situation. Of course, you can't control her but what you can do is tell her that this is not what you want from a relationship/marriage. Tell her you love her, appreciate that you have had problems but you are prepared to work through these - perhaps marriage counselling etc. However, that can only work if you BOTH want it to. It is unlikely that this other guy is interested in her one bit. Lay the law down - if you were a woman you would get so many replies from other yahooers saying leave him, chuck him out - it works both ways remember so, she needs to go. I trust you are the one left holding the babies quite literally - this would not be viewed acceptable behaviour by a man and so the same works both ways. She is having an affair right under your nose. Ask her to leave the house as she is damaging the children so she can make her mind up about what she wants. Hold your head up high, take control. good luck. x

Answer 6

As you say, it is all slipping away, and you both sound pretty confused.
There are a lot of strands here.
Where do you think this is going to end?
Where does she think it is going to end?
What are you going to do about the kids?
What do you want/ need?
What does she want/need?
How would you both feel about going for counselling or marriage guidance to get the answers to the above questions?
Most of us experience these unfocused feelings of discontent and this might be the attraction of the law student - he represents newness, past possibilities revisited.
Perhaps it is worth pointing out to your partner that he has it easy - he can have her attention, without giving anything much more than words and perhaps physical affection. He is not giving her solid commitment of any sort. How would he feel about being a step-dad or father in his own right, for example?
You are in it for the long haul - providing the contact, affection AND commitment. You have shown your qualities as a father.
it would be a shame for both of you if you sleepwalk into splitting up your family simply because these feelings are not talked about.
And yes, if you are feeling that bad, a visit to your doctor could help. Or phone Parentline plus 0808 808 2222 for a sympathetic ear.

Answer 7

Your solution to being unhappy in your marriage was to let your wife see other men?!? No offense, but that's pretty crazy. It's like saying, "I feel too warm, so I'm going to put on this coat." You and your wife took a bad situation and made it worse.

This marriage is limping along on its last leg -- you need major intervention. Yes, see a doctor to be assessed for an antidepressant medication prescription, AND get into counseling with the goal of figuring out why your self-esteem is so poor that you don't think you even deserve a faithful wife. Also, get some coaching from your counselor on communication and assertiveness skills.

With three children and a long-term relationship, you have a LOT to lose, so get help immediately. Treat this situation with the urgency it deserves.

Answer 8

Yo, don't let that little prick steal your girl.

Yes she's after attention an thats all he's doing saying the right things at the right time.

Have a chat with him an ask him where he's coming from???

An warn him.... DO NOT MEDDLE IN THE AFFAIRS OF DRAGONS FOR YOU ARE CRUNCHY AND GOOD WITH KETCHUP!!!!!

Chin up, it aint over yet so fight till the day it is. Many women go through that and attention from an outsider seems to overide all sense and history.

Go mental with shows of effection, flowers poems everything give it your best shot dude, people do change though, make a collage of photo's an happy memories, photo's of the kids any happier times.

GO FOR IT.

Answer 9

Seems like your wife is being very disrespectful of you and of her marriage. It's no surprise you're feeling low and depressed. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I'm even more sorry that your children have to see their mother run around with other men - great role model isn't she?

It's not about "standing a chance". Think of if this is the kind of partner you want for the rest of your life. Instead of suggesting marriage counseling, or talking things over with you, she decided to find another man to hang around with?

No one else is in charge of your happiness. If you're unhappy, I would suggest counseling (either on your own or with your wife), and if that doesn't work, perhaps moving on would be better - for you, and for your children.

Good luck.

Answer 10

Yes, give it some time and give him the space he needs to be able to properly maintain his relationship with his coworker. If they wish to continue their relationship why would you want to disrupt that? Maybe the affair will only go on for another year or two and then everything can go back to normal. And be nice about it. For example since she is married as well they may need to use your house sometimes for their get togethers, so maybe offer to take the kids out for the night to the movies or something so they can have some alone time or maybe you and the kids could take a little weekend vacation somewhere so they don't need to feel so rushed and they can have proper time to enjoy each other.

Answer 11

God I bust out laughing when I read your question ain't people insane!
Get her round to baby sit,say you have a Doctors appointment.
Then run for the hills and let her look after the children she gave birth too,freedom!!!!!!!
Well that's what I wanted to do when my Husband fell in LORVE! lol.
Obviously, I couldn't I'm a Mummy and love my kids more than I will ever love anyone,so I'm Divorcing him.
You know, maybe that's what you should do,hang on to your kids their worth it and you are worth so much more than your Hedonistic wife.
I wish you all the Best for the future and you know, woman Love MEN who stick by their commitments and responsibilities