Why is it so hard to pursue my happiness?

Question

I know most of you will say shame on me with this and I don't expect you all to understand me but I want some insights anyway.

I came from a 3rd world country and I married my husband from North America to make my life better. I was an abused teen, my mother would beat me up with anything she can (belt, paddle etc) whenever I do something wrong and it doesnt matter if we're in public or not. So, that was the main reason why I married someone from far far away, so I could escape from my controlling mother. But I had the intention to stay and love my husband if he treats me right. He used to abuse me verbally back when he was alcoholic but I tolerated it coz he was drunk anyway. Now he stopped drinking, and smoking but I want something else. I have always been dependent on him for the last 5 yrs and I have a strong desire to be independent now. He is letting me go but am worried about my future because I know if I stay am secured & I feel like I might not get over him.

Reasons why I want to be on my own:

1. I want to move to the city so I can a get job since we are living in the middle of nowhere. My husband, himself, keep telling me that I don't need to get a job because my wage would be enough to pay for gas only.

2. If #1 is not possible, I think a child would make up for it to keep me occupied but Im losing hope coz it's been 2 years or 3 since we had sex. I would settle for adoption but he said he wont raise a kid who isn't his.

3. I don't have have friends around. He is my only friend. I can't even consider his family my friends coz i only get to see them when there is family get together.

4. We don't do things together, like travel/sight seeings.

5. I feel like our relationship is best describe as father-daughter because of our age gap plus as i said above bedroom activity is long gone.

My husband clearly stated that he is not giving up his farm. That's why he's letting me go. He knows I want family too.

Answer 1

Once an abuser always an abuser !!

Answer 2

Only when you know what and where is happiness, can you pursue it. In your case, you are unhappy all the time and you were just pursuing it. Even though the whole picture cannot be surmised from such a small statement from you, I feel that the problem is not with your mom or husband but is with you alone.You never tried to be happy with what you have and longed for something else as a the goal of your happiness. Unless you try to be happy from within, I don't think you will get it in this life.Abuse by mother ( in your case, I don't think that was too much of an abuse to punish you- some mothers are like that!!) or beating by alcoholic husband is again not harsh an abuse. You r statement that he stopped drinking and smoking indicates that he is ready to reform. Its you who has not reformed and I don't think leaving him will be a solution.

Answer 3

Seems to me you both married for the wrong reasons. You wanted out, you got out. But -out- meant -in- somewhere else. Second, love is yours to give, but to give whilst not receiving any, creates imbalance. Perhaps you two define love differently.

To pursue happiness you need to realise it is hard work. There is no magic wand you can wave and become happy. Being happy in a relationship requires two people making it good, putting in an effort. Having the desire to become independent says that you are not fully committed to the relationship, or do you believe you have indeed explored all options?

Do not consider having children to improve happiness. Children are a responsibility and lots of work, lots of fun as well, but again commitment, big time.

Everyone defines happiness different, for me, I feel independent in or out of relationship. Both allow me to grow as an individual, or do the things I enjoy. I, as an individual, choose to invest my time and effort in someone else, primarily because I gain from that. So I don't get that remark. You say you've been dependent for 5 years, he has a farm, have you learnt farming, learnt bookkeeping?

Finding happiness is all about looking inside and realising there is no happiness out there, it is in you.

Answer 4

Find your passion and go for it. Volunteer, work with children, get a job, find a hobby, play sports. Everyone is searching for happiness, you aren't alone. Only we can find what makes us happy. It is the quest to find happiness that makes us happy. I read an article last week, a guy spent 5 yrs writing a book about happiness and he still hasn't found it yet. Good luck. I am content most of the time and truly happy sometimes.

Answer 5

No one could blame you for taking the first bus out. And now that you are out it is time to stand on your own two feet. I know it can be scary to leave but if you are not happy and he hasn't been a great husband it is time to explore the world a little bit. Be strong and go out and see what is out there for you. Don't feel bad about your husband either he probably married you because he saw weakness that he could control.

Answer 6

because we actually were not ment to pursue our own happiness! we are supposed to make others happy and in doing so get our joy and happiness from just helping . which apparently you have done for him, now your bored with the relationship . i still do not understand why it is you wish to leave him. with him you have a secure relationship, loving honesty, no more fear of abuse . so i will answer your question with a question of my own. why on earth, after all you have been thru, would you put yourself into a position where you could possibly be abused again?

Answer 7

I think if you both agree to stay together you should. What kind of independence do you want? I think if you stay with him and contribute as much as you can financially you will feel better. Then you will know that you could leave if you wanted to, but you will not lose your husband.

Answer 8

Do you know what you really need? You need JESUS in your life to fill your emptiness. Why not try Him? There's no harm in trying. All you need to do is surrender your life to Jesus and allow Him to take control of your life. He said in John 10:10, He came that we might have life and that we might have it abundantly. Jesus is talking to your heart and thoughts right now telling that He's willing to help you, to guide you and to be with you all throughout your life. Accept Him and see what happens next. For sure, you will never regret knowing Him. Go and find a Full Gospel church to join. God Bless you! He loves you so much! me too!

Answer 9

Have you thought about his happiness? After all, you did marry him. Is it right just to use him and walk away? Maybe if you put other people first a little, you might find some happiness yourself. Just a thought.

Answer 10

if u love him, and see that he may be able to change why not stay and work it out. u need to get your self esteem back, as self esteem plays a big part in our happiness. stop thinking any negative thoughts about yourself. parents sometimes influence our idea's we develop about ourselves, if your parent was critical its much harder to develop a high self worth. know that self esteem is not a fixed thing, so its never too late to build self esteem, u do it by trusting yourself, and not demanding unrealistic things from yourself, get therapy, view your mistakes as a learning opportunity. so don't allow what some one has done or said to u to define who u are as a person, believe in yourself, focus on your strengths not your weakness.

Answer 11

Be glad he is letting you go. Look at your future positively. Trust that you can be your own person. Believe you are strong. You can make it in this world. You will get over him and you will realize you are better off without him. Take Care.