What is the best way for us both?

Question

My husband found out my passionate loveletter to my happily married classmate with who I been in email contact for the last one year and met him in a remote resort once when he came to India to take back him wife and children. Our marriage had many difficulties for the last 6 years and we seperated in June,2006 and were about to get divorce. My husband who illtreated me, hung around me for the kids and he found my unsent letter in Jan,2007. I told him it was only a fantasy and that it happened so quickly(1 week) that i neither intended to prolong it and that I never had any intention of ruining my marriage. My classmate acutally cut me off by not responding well and I followed suit. Now I will leave for US in a couple of months , my hubby says he can't trust me any more though I assured him i am not that cheap. He exhibits all emotions in a single day, is afraid of loosing family honour if this affair is leaked. So are my parents who hate him. How can I convince him that I love him?

He wants me to cut off my relation with my parents if I want to live with him but he is broke and my property is in my parents' custody who prefer divorce to this marriage. He finds fault with them for having never lent him any help whatever, for spent his money for the last 14 years of our marriage. I can't convince either him or my parents and that's why I turned my friend who gave me the respect and love i lackd in my marriage.

I am not a woman with 'loose morals' and that's exactly why I stopped before I crossed the line. Who would stop me if I choose to be my classmate's other woman? I never even let my classmate know that I love him. But for the letter I did not even say a single word about love in my emails or in my conversation. I fantasized and I realised and am ready to do whatever to save my marriage because I feel guilty and I love my husband. Has not any man ever done anything like this in their life?

Answer 1

You seems to be really confused regarding your relationship with your husband, one time you say your marriage is in bad shape & you will leave for US in a couple of months, next you want to convince your husband about your love for him. You don’t want to break your relationship with him nor with your parents who want you to give him divorce & whom he wants you to close all your relationship. Here it seems a conflict between your husband with your parents more prominent rather then your with him. As a married lady it is your husbands home which should get priority rather then your parents, so what I feel listen to his advice if you want to continue your matrimonial home intact rather then your parents. As far your fantasies are concerned I will suggest you to do it with your husband rather then your classmate friend who himself gave you cold shoulders as he being more mature then you knows the importance of matrimonial family with his wife which you have ignored or avoided intentionally or unintentionally. So get mature now tell your husband you will be a good girl from now onwards & do as he wishes, let the bygone be bygone from now onwards. Write to me directly for further guidance.

Answer 2

I think you need to leave your husband. If he is trying to control your life this bad, you know it will continue to be that way. If your parents are ok, with you having a divorce, I think you should look at that as an option. You might not be able to have the love of your classmate, but this will give you a chance to find a love that will see you as a person, and not an object. If you live through your heart, you can become happy. Dont live your life out of guilt over feelings you can't control.

Answer 3

I remember something in Scripture as I was reading and reflecting on your Question, about how strength in your marriage has to be based on Trust, Faith in each other and Patience. But more than all of these, Love conquers all !! The way you word everything, maybe everything isn't out in the open. My opinion is that you should make an opportunity to be alone, in the quiet, and just be ' Up-Front' with what is in your heart, and when you feel you ' faced your demons ', the two of you talk, alone, straight from the Heart. I believe their may just be a rainbow around the corner. Good Luck and God Bless !!

Answer 4

There is many issues going on at one time....and difficult t o arrest the issues all at once. I alwyas belive that when you are married, it is no longer about what you think or like. By marriage you have given out that right...What you should be thinking of is what WE, OUR, as the family revolves around your husband and kids. If both of you can be selfless and think about the well being of the kids... I think it is a good start... So start doing things for the family than for your ownself. Let it be if your husband did not participate.... if you preserve... I am confident.. that you will suceed in gaining his trust... take care

Answer 5

Your husband treats you like crap. If he hates your parents because they will not help him walk all over you, then he is not the one for you. He wants to take advantage of you so that he does not have to do anything for himself. You did nothing wrong, since all you did was talk to this guy. I would not feel guilty about your marriage, you two already separated. Do not try to save it, because it sounds like it is way too late for that. You did reach out for someone else to give you what your husband didn't, and probably will never give you.

Go through with the divorce.

Answer 6

To human is to error. You didn't do anything. what this has done is brought some issues to the surface that you should deal with. I think you should be concern about some other things though.
1) how can someone tell another person to break ties with their parents? This is a BIG red flag. He wants this for some selfish reasons unknown to me. But selfish for sure.

2) A controlling man is a man the will stifle your personal growth. If you can deal with a controlling man then know that you give him the power of your own personal potential in life.

Answer 7

This is a male chauvinistic society.
Better follow what your husband says.
After marriage the girl or woman comes under full custody of husband and parents have a very limited role to play as a well wisher or a friend

Answer 8

Ive answered a couple of questions your husband has posted on here......the facts are the same, but your side is different to his. He said your parents were very interferring, and was the major cause of the arguments. He said he mistreated you too, but only arguing about your parents. You dont have to be cheap to have an affair. It only takes one affair to lose the trust your husband once had in you.

If, as you say, he mistreated you, then why do you want him to believe you love him. Why would you even think about staying with a man who mistreats you. His story makes you out to be quite a controlling woman who allows your parents to intrude too far into your lives. I tend to believe that is the truth, considering you have said that he doesnt want you to have contact with your parents and the fact that you said your parents hate him strongly indicates that what he said was true. Maybe your idea of being mistreated was that your husband hated the fact that you always took your parents side and never supported him. Seems to me like your marriage is a real mess. I know the culture of india is different to western cultures so I dont know much about losing family honour and things like that.

What is very clear to me is that both of you,if you want the marriage to survive must get some counselling. You are blaming him....and he was blaming himself. I think there are problems that you need to take responsibility for. It takes two to tango. I think you were probably trying to make your husband pay for giving you are hard time about your nosy parents....seems to me like you want him to pay for the rest of his life. You must take 50 percent responsibility for this situation....you cant keep on blaming your husband.

Maybe if you are serious in loving him, you need to make a few compromises.....but the first thing I suggest you do is see a counsellor the moment you step on US soil. You and your husband need help. I know he loves you very much and was absolutely devestated at finding the love letter. You blew his whole world apart. Maybe, if you really do love him, you need to cut contact with your parents for a little while and concentrate on your marriage....try fixing that first...your husband comes first....your family second. You decide who is more important. Your husband needs to hear more than "Im sorry". He wants you to support him...he wants to be important in your life and he wants your parents to take a back seat for awhile. I think thats only fair don't you?

Answer 9

dear it seems u really love him n u did d mistake! But v womens have to suffer more than men.If a men is having d same prob.then he is forgiven by their spouse but 4 women its very hard. Parents r not going to stay wid u all d life ,try to explain him this. Go any extent to show that u really love him n want to save d marriage. Dont leave him ,try to stay wid him may b he will shout ,abuse on u but try to hold every bit of ur emotions, confess him everything.Tell him to give u a chance 4 d last time .Tell him atleast to give a try!

Hope everything will b fine.dont b dishearten.U have spoiled n now u have to save ur marriage life.
Best of luck.

Answer 10

You CHEAT!!!!! You did dishonor your family. Cheating on your spouse is a terrible thing to do. If you had problems, counseling would have been the thing to do first. Then divorce and then look for someone else.

What about your classmate's spouse? Will you ruin their marriage? Don't you dare contact your classmate again. This person has children that deserve a married mother and father. Stay out of their life.

After seeking another relationship with your classmate, now you want to convince your husband that you love him? Right! You need some serious marriage counseling. It will take a long time for him to trust you again.

Stay away from the US. We don't need more people with your loose morals.