Why can't I let him go and finally move on with my lfe?

Question

I am more than embarrassed to admit that it has been over 7 years since my divorce, and have lived every day since agonizing over the loss of my ex. The pain is more severe now that I am no longer numbing myself with drugs. I've been clean for 4 months now and each day I wake up ends up being worse than the day before. I relive memory after memory..over and over again...how much he truly loved me...how I could have ever left him...how much love I feel for him and how I am to forgive myself for ever taking him for granted. I am stuck in the past. I have dream at night that he is still with me and wake up alone and crying. My depression and anxiety are so bad now that I rarely leave my house. I can't work...I've isolated myself from friends and family for years now. I feel somehow that I was NOTHING before his love, and am now NOTHING without his love. I am a shell of a person. I pray that some compassionate person out there can give me advice on how to lessen my pain. Please

Answer 1

First, congratulations on being clean 4 months. Second, its normal to have your feelings feel more intense now that you have stopped using. Its important to realize that having feelings mean you are truly alive and ultimately that will be a good thing (even if it doesn't feel like it now).
Third and most important is it sounds like you have over romantized your ex. And pinned all your hopes and dreams on one person. Yes, you loved him and may or may not have made a mistake in leaving him. Everything always seems more wonderful from a distance. The reality is that you are a unique and special person without him. You have created a monster by giving him this much power over who you are and how you feel. You are not a lesser person because of not being with him. You are only a lesser person if you choose to focus on would ofs and should ofs. 7 years is too much time and energy and life to give up for any person. You are worth the time and effort it has taken to get clean. Time to make amends for the dumb stuff you may have done when using but grinding yourself into the ground over your ex is pointless. It happened. Its done realize your a human being and its okay to make mistakes. Its your choice to either life in perpetual agony or let yourself off the hook and move on. I hope that doesnt seem heartless because I really think you deserve more than you are giving yourself. Whatever wrong you may have done its 7 years now, forgive yourself. Also, really he may have been wonderful but it seems like you've made him so great when he too was human with faults and failings and not superhuman. Let go of that grand illusion. You'll be better able to move on.
Blessings

Answer 2

First, you need to realize you were SOMETHING before him. Do you think anyone would want to marry an empty person? There was something to you. Find it. It's still there.

Secondly, get up off of your feet and take back the life he took away from you. I don't know what happened and all that, and I'd rather not guess... but what I can tell you is that you CANNOT just lay around and be alone. You need to find someone, and fast. Doesn't have to be a new husband, it can be an old friend, a new friend, a complete stranger, a therapist willing to talk with you, ANYONE (well, anyone probably would exclude said husband...).

Third, do not think there is nothing left of you. There is plenty of surprises in the human heart. You must explore your heart and find that secret treasure in there and pull it out ofr the world to see.

And do not think simply reading this is going to lessen any pain. It'll leave you feeling more empty when you decide it might be good advice and ignore it. The only thing that will help you is taking that step. So take it.

Answer 3

I truly wish that I could lessen your pain, but I cannot. Forgive me, but I tend to "focus" on what I think are clues. You wrote: "I am stuck in the past." Well, there you are, think about it. Get UN-STUCK. No one should ever, ever, depend on another to keep them from feeling like a "shell." YOU know you are not! You are your own person, always were, & always will be. Isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do, because it allows you to dwell on what CANNOT BE. I'm not a doctor, but I wonder if--only 4 months!--being clean of the drugs that "numbed" you, is a phase you're going to have to go through. But honestly, you need to help yourself get past this, & I believe you will. Please, try--every time you think of being "nothing," every time you feel the pain of losing him, SHUT OUT THOSE THOUGHTS. Replace them with whatever things you care about, (surely there must be something), & get into this. Just llittle "baby steps" at first, until it will become automatic, & you'll wonder why you could have been so miserable without this "one" person. I know it sounds trite, simplistic, for now. But I lost someone to their death, & I REFUSED to be miserable. At least try. I do perceive that your problem is serious, you may be in clinical depression. If you are, (please see a doctor?) you can get anti-depressants that will help you stabilize yourself while you cope with a very old wound that should long ago have healed over. Life is miraculous! It won't be easy, it will take TIME & effort, but so very, very preferable to the life you describe. I hope the very best for you. & don't YOU give up hope! Please.

EDIT: I just looked at some of your answers; Joseph is on the same page as I. A wonderful answer, please give it a think.

Answer 4

Everybody has a different length of time that they need to grieve for a loss. You delayed that process when you took the drug route- & now you're finally having to FACE what you tried to escape from. Letting go- is TOUGH. And different- for all of us. I'm in the middle of that "process" myself just now, and I've had nightmares that weren't as bad as what I'm going through by "letting go" of this person... But, life rumbles on. And you have to WANT TO get over it, and move on, - because loss is just another part of it. Step out of your Sorrows, and look for something to get interested in. Do ANYTHING- just to buy yourself enough "time" for those wounds to begin to heal- so that you can "get on with it". I promise you- it WON'T be easy...- but I can ALSO promise you that you WILL move on... Just give yourself that chance. Hang in there- & good luck. :)

Answer 5

Have you tried contacting him and telling him how you feel? Maybe you should and see what happens.. Otherwise I suggest surrounding yourself with people and socializing more..stay busy to keep your mind off of thinking too much.

Answer 6

he continually discovered time for you in the previous.. whats distinctive this time? the two one among you should confer with one yet another and communicate approximately this and ask a great form of questions and if he does no longer circulate to him at artwork