HELP! Would you please edit this paper/letter for me. THanks!?

Question

Dear the Rice Committee on Admission,
I’m a transfer applicant to Rice University. While I was completing the transfer application, I realized that the application does not fully represent me. Thus, I would like to seize this opportunity to tell you more about me and my reason for wanting to transfer.
I came from China more than six years ago. At first, I couldn’t speak any English, which makes adapting to the new environment very difficult. I remember vividly that in order to keep me motivated, my mother took me to Rice’s campus during my first weekend here in America. Immediately, I fell in love with its dazzling architecture, and I knew that this is where I want to go.
For me, education feels like a race. When asked to describe my high school experiences, I would tell proudly that I finished its race like a champion. While my peers had been raised in the American culture and taught the western ways of thinking, I stood alone with my Chinese ways of understanding the world. I had to learn everything that they know and take for granted in a compressed four years. Starting the race from far behind, I picked up my pace little by little. I believe that if I was given more time, I could have been the best. Knowing that I could overcome any challenges thrown my way, I thought I was ready to come to Rice.
However, I was not accepted. At first, I blamed this “failure” on my late start as an American student since I did not have the credential and experiences that my peers had. But looking back, I have had the most unique experiences and I also have made the most out of every opportunity that I had. When I was still attending junior high school in China, I had the honor to be among one of the first to join the Junior Communist League. Despite the convention, which entails that the league members do what they are told, I took initiative and organized the first fundraiser that our chapter has had. Now it’s quite amusing to think of those 12-year-olds walking around neighborhoods and knocking on doors with a shoebox in their hands asking for donations. But the fundraiser was a success as we were able to raise 50 US dollars for under privileged children in China. After I came to America, I participated and organized a few fundraisers for a women’s shelter. Yet, even though the same initiative and leadership still reside in me, I was unable to do anything that had the same effect of what I did seven years ago. I believe that I will be able to utilize my qualities through Rice’s programs and student organizations. With its welcoming environment and an active, diverse student body, Rice offers endless opportunities.
Even though the news of me not being able to attend Rice was disappointing and heartbreaking, it was never discouraging. I started my college race at full throttle, and finished the first semester with a beautiful score. Initially, I thought I worked hard because I was preparing to re-apply to Rice, but only to discover later that this is who I am: a perfectionist who never gives up trying.
While I will be deeply honored if I can have the privilege to attend your prestigious institution, I cannot let the acceptance to define me. It would signify a new beginning, a new race, which I will finish to my best ability.
I would like thank the Rice Committee on Admission for giving me this opportunity to tell more about myself.

Answer 1

I am a couple of points from level 3. yea!!!!

Answer 2

Dear Rice Committee on Admission:

I am a transfer applicant to Rice University. While I was completing the transfer application, I realized that the application does not fully represent me. Thus, I would like to seize this opportunity to tell you more about me and my reason for wanting to transfer.
I came from China more than six years ago. At first, I could not speak any English, which makes adapting to the new environment very difficult. I remember vividly that in order to keep me motivated, my mother took me to Rice’s campus during my first weekend here in America. Immediately, I fell in love with its dazzling architecture, and I knew that this is where I want to go.

For me, education feels like a race. When asked to describe my high school experiences, I would proudly tell that I have finished its race like a champion. While my peers had been raised in an American culture and taught the western ways of thinking, I stood alone with my Chinese ways of understanding the world. I had to learn everything that they know and take for granted in a compressed four years. Starting the race from far behind, I picked up my pace little by little. I believe that if I was given more time, I could have been the best. Knowing that I could overcome any challenges thrown my way, I thought I was ready to come to Rice.

However, I was not accepted. At first, I blamed this as a failure on my late start as an American student since I did not have the credential and experiences that my peers had. But looking back, I have the most unique experiences and I also have made the most out of every opportunity that I had. When I was still attending junior high school in China, I had the honor to be among one of the first to join the Junior Communist League. Despite the convention, which entails that the league members do what they are told, I took initiative and organized the first fundraiser that our chapter has had. Now it’s quite amusing to think of those 12-year-olds walking around neighborhoods and knocking on doors with a shoebox in their hands asking for donations. But the fundraiser was a success as we were able to raise 50 US dollars for under privileged children in China. After I came to America, I participated and organized a few fundraisers for a women’s shelter. Yet, even though the same initiative and leadership still reside in me, I was unable to do anything that had the same effect of what I did seven years ago. I believe that I will be able to utilize my qualities through Rice’s programs and student organizations. With its welcoming environment and an active, diverse student body, Rice offers endless opportunities.

Even though the news of me not being able to attend Rice was disappointing and heartbreaking, it was never discouraging. I started my college race at full throttle, and finished the first semester with a beautiful score. Initially, I thought I worked hard because I was preparing to re-apply to Rice, but only to discover later that this is who I am: a perfectionist who never gives up trying.
While I will be deeply honored if I can have the privilege to attend your prestigious institution, I cannot let the acceptance to define me. It would signify a new beginning, a new race, which I will finish to my best ability.
I would like thank the Rice Committee on Admission for giving me this opportunity to tell more about myself.

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good try, hope you will pass.. if you are tend to write a formal letter, avoid using shortcuts like shouldn't, but instead use should not.. In a letter like yours, formality of words are being used, likewise, you did write so well

Answer 3

Dear Rice Admission Committee:
I am a transfer applicant to Rice University, but while I was completing the transfer application, I realized that the application did not fully represent me. Thus, I would like to seize this opportunity to tell you more about me and my reasons for wanting to transfer.
I came to the United States from China more than six years ago. At first, I could not speak any English which made adapting to my new environment very difficult. I remember vividly my mother taking me to Rice’s campus during my first weekend here in America in order to motivate me. Immediately, I fell in love with the campus, and I knew that was is where I wanted to go.
For me, education is like a race. When asked to describe my high school experiences, I will proudly say that I finished the race like a champion. While my peers were raised in the American culture and taught the Western ways of thinking, I stood alone with my Chinese ways of understanding the world. I had to learn everything that they knew and took for granted in a compressed four years. Starting the race from far behind, I picked up my pace little by little. I believe that if I was given more time, I could have been the best. Knowing that I could overcome any challenge thrown my way, I thought I was ready Rice.
However, I was not accepted. At first, I blamed this “failure” on my late start as an American student since I did not have the credential and experiences that my peers had. But looking back, I have had the most unique experiences and have made the most out of every opportunity. When I was still attending junior high school in China, I had the honor to be among one of the first to join the Junior Communist League. Despite the convention, which entails that the league members do what they are told, I took initiative and organized the first fundraiser that our chapter ever had. It is quite amusing to think of those twelve-year-olds walking around, knocking on doors with shoeboxes in their hands and asking for donations, but the fundraiser was a success. We raised fifty US dollars for under-privileged children in China. After I came to America, I participated and organized a few fundraisers for a women’s shelter. However, even though the same initiative and leadership still resided in me, I was unable to do anything as successfully as I did seven years ago. I believe that I will be able to utilize my qualities through Rice’s programs and student organizations. With its welcoming environment and an active, diverse student body, Rice offers endless opportunities.
Even though the news of me not being able attend Rice was disappointing and heartbreaking, it was never discouraging. I started my college race at full throttle and finished the first semester with a beautiful score. Initially, I thought I worked hard because I was preparing to re-apply to Rice, but discovered later that this is who I am: A perfectionist who never gives up.
While I will be deeply honored if I can have the privilege of attending your prestigious institution, I know now that the acceptance will not define me. Instead, it will signify a new beginning and a new race, one in which I will finish within my best ability.
I would like thank the Rice Committee on Admissions for giving me this opportunity to reveal more about myself.

Answer 4

As a retired English teacher PLEASE give Janice's answer the 10 points for BEST answer.
BUT I would like to add some comments.
- What a fantastic person you sound - although I had several outstanding human beings as students I wish I had also taught you.
- You had VERY, VERY lucky teachers to have such an out-standing person in their classes
- You are KIND. You are GENEROUS. You are brilliantly GIFTED.
As an English teacher I would have been so happy to mark such BRILLIANT writing.
If I had been a language skills teacher I would have felt wonderful meeting some-one who writes better English than most Americans write, in such a short time.
In 2001 I had to retire because, due to hospital negligence I had died and now I am too ill to work. I have had time to THINK. I have concluded that there is only one virtue and that is COURTESY. I mention this because your letter shows extra-ordinary courtesy. Even though Rice does not deserve some-one as brilliant as you; you are still polite to them so very COURTEOUS. This is WONDERFUL.
Could I ask a favour, could you become an American. Then when you have finished your education could you PLEASE run for PRESIDENT. This world would be a much better place with people like you running it.
TAKE CARE. Good Luck. TAKE CARE

Answer 5

Sounds great but I would change the greeting to something more formal. ie Dear Sirs and Ma'ams instead of Rice Commitee on Admission.