Should I Just Get Pregnant for My Mom?

Question

I'm 19 years old, and now that I'm an adult, I really want to make the most out of my life. I want to travel the world, I want to volunteer abroad in poverty-stricken countries, I want to partake in thrilling pursuits like mountain climbing & skydiving and many other interesting things. The only problem is... my mother is against my desire to live life to the fullest. I know I'm her "baby" and she can't stand to let me go. I've always PROVEN myself to be a levelheaded person, though. Even though I don't live with her, she calls me everyday and panics if I don't call her for a day or two from home. She visits frequently - about weekly. (I live 20 miles away) What gets me is that she said if I were ever to do any of the above, she would disown me, as it would be to "painful" for her if I happened to die or get hurt. She says the only way she'd accept it is if I had a child.

The last thing I want to do is "settle down". That is my worst nightmare. Even marriage will have to wait for a looonnng time. I cannot bear the limitations and stress pregnancy and parenting would put on my body and life. No, I'm not a virgin; sex isn't the issue. The pregnancy and commitment of having to devote 100% of myself to another human is. But, as I am the only family my mother has, as I see it, my options are limited. Should I just get pregnant, have the baby, and give my mother custody so I can do what I want with life? I do plan to go to college as well, and if things follow the right track, when I'm ready to stick around, I may want to become a physician. What do I do? I'm just so afraid of leading a boring, conventional lifestyle only to succumb to illness or death and regret that I wasted the one precious life I had just waiting to die... I'm sorry this is so long, but this is bothering me greatly. I appreciate serious answers only, please.

Answer 1

You are the only who should decide what to do with your life. You are the one that is going to live with the joys and regrets from the decisions you make.

Answer 2

You would resent the child if you were having it for any other reason but wanting it.

Try to get your mom involved in hobbies and social situations if you want to, but it is not your responsibility to fill your mother's free time. If she is focused only on you, that is her decision. You, however, should not let her make you feel guilty about living your life on your own terms.

You sound like a more than dutiful daughter. That is commendable, but don't let it ruin your life or the life of the theoretical baby. You don't get a second chance to travel the world once you have a baby... you don't get a chance to travel much period. Everything changes, every bit of money gets reapportioned to provide for the baby, every second of every day is now devoted to the baby.

I wish that more young women would take the time to weigh whether or not they can invest that much time and effort into another person, and then make an honest decision. You honestly admit that you don't want this child. It would be unfair to the baby to get pregnant just for your mom's sake.

Plus, when it comes right down to it, your mom might as well disown you for walking to the bus stop. You could die or get hurt doing that and it would be just as painful for her.

Life can end at any time. You only get to live it once, though.

Answer 3

I'm 19 and in in the same situation you are. Save for one difference. I can't wait to find a special person to commit to and spend the rest of my life with. The prospect of marriage, of mutual love, support and companionship for the rest of my life is tempting to me.

I have always proven myself level headed. I've never been ticketed, never smoked, never drank, never even been sent to the principal's office or spend a second of my life in detention. I was last grounded when I was 12. I say this because I though about the things you have discussed, about living free and living life to the fullest. I came to the realization that how full my life is is dependent on my definition of it and how content I am. Sure, I wouldn't mind travelling the world and such, but I won't allow myself to be bummed out if I can't.

Life and the world is anything but constant or plannable. It almost never work out they way you want it. The world isn't fair. Disease, war, racism, evil: those things are here to stay. We as imperfect humans have made it so. No one person can change it. So, the sad truth is, you have to adapt to it

Know that happiness is dependent on what you assign it to be, and if you say it is thrill seeking and traveling the world, then that's fine. But you also need to know that a time will come when you will have to change that definition in order to move on with your life. I doubt you'll be mountain climbing and skydiving when your 50. By then, I should hope that what makes you content and fulfilled is something you can obtain. Otherwise you'll be miserable. Kinda like right now.

I'm certainly not saying to forget your dreams. But you do have to start thinking in the big picture. Don't have a child to qwell your mother so you can go off risking your life and leaving your kid motherless. Have a child because that what your definition of happiness includes, not because you want a replacement for yourself for your mom.

Your mom is special, but don't let her hold you back. Do what you want, but keep in mind the big picture.

I guess, in short (I could have said this without everything else), is that, as an adult, you should have the right to do what ever you want, within constraints of social norms and the law. But you also need to realize that ever action has a consequence. You need to think about those too. Like what if you severely injure or impair your hands mountain climbing? Will you be able to continue your lifestyle abroad? Will you still be able to be of use as a international volunteer? What is the likelihood of becoming a physician then? Or of mothering a child?

No, you should not get pregnant for your mom. You should do what you please. Just anaylze your desires with respect to your future.

Answer 4

I find it a little disturbing that you would even consider having a baby to please your mom and then give her custody. It's wrong on so many levels. Where should I begin?

- First of all, what kind of life could that child expect to have? From your description, not a very good one. That child could expect to be as badly controlled and manipulated as you are. You have to think of the baby first when you think about having a baby.

- Second, it's pretty naive to think that you can just have a baby and hand it over to someone without a second thought. It's not an inanimate object, it's a child. It's a human being.

- Third, just on a practical level, what makes you think that anything you do will change your mom's behavior? I've got some news for you, nothing you do will change your mom's way of thinking.

Your mom seems to have control issues and you seem to lack basic maturity in your thinking. Whatever you do please do *not* have a baby for a long long time. That would be terrible for everyone involved. Instead you need to figure out how to deal with your mother properly.

A book on this subject that comes highly recommended is called "Boundaries". Read it and see if it helps you. I include a link to it on Amazon in the sources section.

Also, if you can afford it, you could benefit from some professional counselling. Please consider it.

Answer 5

Short answer: No do not get Pregnant just for your mom.

Long answer: Pregnancy changes you. If you are so Stone cold( NO offence) that getting knocked up and turning the child over to your mother just so she has someone else to love and never give it a second thought you should never have childeren. Once you feel the life growing in side you and once you come to the realization that " I am creating life" all you will want to do is be part of and be come that childs life. You are young and still have many many adventures a head of your self. Doing the things you want to be may increase you risk but it's no more risky then waking up tomorrow and being involved in a horrible accident. People often say childeren have a difficult time seperating from their parents, however I honestly believe that it's the partents tha can not seperate from the childeren. I have 4 daughters myself and I am having a difficult time letting my first get married in 2 months. But I have to keep reminding myself that it is now her life and she needs to learn how to live it her self. Right now is the time to be a little selfish and do what you want. learn how to be an adult first. Having a child for your mother is still being a child for her. I hope this helps and you have not been offened. Thank you.

Answer 6

Wow! where to start? First of all do not get pregnant for your mother. Is she going to raise this baby for you? Having a baby is a decision that you have to make for yourself. You sound as though you have a lot of goals for yourself, you should stay on the right track and try to accomplish as many of them as you can. Once you have a child your entire life is then devoted to them. You are very limited to what you can do then. You say that your mom will disown you? But it sounds as though she won't let you go out on your own. Well if that is the case, she might be irritated with you if you go and do some of these things, but she will get over it! Especially if you are all that she has.
Would you rather have your mom be a little pissed?
Or
Regret not acting upon opportunities, and feel resentment towards your child for not pursuing your goals??
Take some time for yourself, save the baby making for later on in life when you actually want to, not when someone else wants you to.
You only live once!
Good luck!

Answer 7

Listen, you've got to live your life for you! If you want to do all those things, do them! We only get one go around in this life. Live your life in a way that fulfills you. Don't settle for something else. The things you want to do, travel, adventure are wonderful. I too want to life my life that way and I am. One should taste, smell, touch, hear, see, feel it all.

If you mother loves you, and I assure you that she does, she will not disown you. She may become upset with you, even avoid you for some time but she will forgive you in the end. Giving up the life you want because your mother doesn't want you to leave is not the best option. Too many people are born, eat, breathe, watch tv, grow old and die. Go out into the world, experience as much as you can! Make your mark.

Your mother will come around. I bet she will end up being proud of you for it. The thing you wrote about her accepting it if you had a child just doesn't make sense. She thinks you might die if you climbed a mountain but it's okay for to die if you had a child, leaving that child motherless?

No, live your life for you! Tell you mother you love her but this is your life. Don't cut your mother out of your life because of her opinions but don't settle either.

I believe in all the following philosophy: Quit hanging on to the handrails . . . Let go. Surrender. Go for the ride of your life. All of us have been dying, hour by hour, since the moment we were born. Realizing this, let all things be placed in their proper perspective. . . . Remember, it is always later than you think. Dwell as near as possible to the channel in which your life flows. Thoreau, Henry David

Answer 8

My advice to you is live your life as you see fit. It seems that you have a "good head" on your shoulders. You have wonderful goals. Fulfill them! Don't let anyone stop you! Because if you do, you will regret it, you will resent your mother and your child.

Speaking from experience ... once you have a child it will become very hard for you to realize a lot of the goals you have listed. Children are expensive ... in cost and in time. They deserve your total commitment (whether you are married or single)! So live your life because you will be happier for it, and this will make you the best possible parent who will have wonderful stories to share with them and who can nourish them as they deserve. You will also be a mother who will be able to teach your child(ren) the importance of having dreams and goals.

Maybe you could find a way to include your mother in some of your passions which may help her to move into a more reasonable frame of mind.

Best wishes to you and your mother as you work your way through this tough time in your life.

Answer 9

It sounds like you've already made your decision. Pregnancy is not easy, nor is it always fun. Doing this just to please your mother will only lead to more friction between the two of you. Do the things you want to do, but realize she might be unhappy. Grandiose statements such as "I'll disown you or die" are just that...ways to get attention. Will she disown you if you travel the world? I doubt it. The only person you can make happy in your life is yourself. The others will just have to live with it!

Answer 10

NO! Don't ever get pregnant for anyone but yourself. You may be one of the few who could have a child and then not have any feelings for that small creature that needs so much from you - but I doubt it. Once you have a child your dreams have to be things that you can do together - and being a mother is for a lifetime. Go for your dreams now. When you are ready for a baby in your life, you will know it is the right time. Your Mom obviously loves you and cares for you very much. It takes time for us mothers to let go. Keep in contact with her as often as you can. Let her know that you are planning to do things, but explain that although you know that she worries, these are things that you need to do. Above all, you need to let her know that you love her and respect her judgment - but it is now time that you started to find out about the world for yourself.

Answer 11

Do what you want to with your life, she can disown you if she wants but if you don't do what you want because she held you back then you will spend a lot of time resenting her. I wanted to go to college, which it did for a while, but i wanted to go to college a few hours away and live in the dorm, join a sorority and experience the whole college life. My mom couldn't stand to see me leave and because she couldn't or didn't want to help me financially all she wanted to provide was a room for me to stay in, so i went to a local college and never graduated. I wish i had the nerve at that time to do what i really wanted to do. My life is fine now but i do resent her holding me back.

Also if she visits that often i doubt she will disown you. Plus you could die or get hurt anywhere. Don't have a child for anyone but you.